Have you read or ordered Love Busters and Surviving the Affair by Dr. Harley. Those books lay the ground work to the advice you will receive on the forum. They are cheap on amazon.com.

While she never blamed me for her affair, she blamed me for the conditions of the marriage before the affair, which I half own. For 15 years I was pretty disrespectful. Nothing huge but after 15 years she just didn't love me anymore. I had a hard time bing respectful at first for two reasons.

1. I had done it for so long, it became a habit. A hard to break habit.

2. SHE HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN! It was hard to look at her with anything but disgust, let alone be respectful.

After a few weeks (about a month) I was able to stop being disrespectful consistantly. She fell back in love since I've always met her emotional needs, just needed to stop the lovebusting (marriage builders speak for being a jerk to your spouse).


Boy do I hear you there. After the second one I was sure that if I had a close female friend, I would have started a revenge affair. It seemed like if she got to lay down in other men's bed, I should get to have some of that fun too.

She told me something that stuck with me. She said, "this was anything but fun. And I don't mean just the sex. Yes, it's true what they say about [certain ethnicity]'s junk. It's that small. I really had no idea. The sex was horrible and not worth it. But what made it not fun was the stress of the addiction, always needing to get my fix. Staying up to three AM texting him. Trying to keep my story strait with you. Creating an alternate history with family and friends. Loosing faith in myself as a good person."

Or, something like that. Yes, once she was out of the fog of the affair, what she saw in the mirror was anything but fun.


Don't do that. Everyone that helped in her affair needs to go. I would make that a condition of recovery. My W took the added step of admonishing the "friends" that enabled her affair with a formal letter. They have not responded.


MelodyLane has an exposure link in her sig line. It's critical to ending the affair. My W had ended the affair the moment I found out but there was still value in exposing the affair. It makes it less likely for them to recontact. You kind of have to decide who to expose to. Standard answer is all family, clergy, friends that have an ability to sway her, workplace (if it's a workplace A), and most important your children. Same on the side of the OM. You can always go nuclear and expose to all his/her Facebook friends. I wouldn't fault you for that, but since my wife ended the affair (and we moved 4000 miles away) I don't think her second grade teacher needed to know. If there is ANY chance that the affair is active, or she's putting it on hold, go NUCLEAR! You never know who can snap her out of lala land.

That is right where I would start. Your children need to be told all about her affairs. Lying to your children about the source of tension makes the problem 100x worse and leaves them confused.

Secondly, she WOULD do that to the kids. Make no mistake about it. Ad she will do that if you move out


How angry will you be when she moves her lover into your bed and you are not allowed in your house? You cannot even imagine but that is where you are headed.


But if you move out then you are "outta here." Moving out only facilitates her affair. You are going to be shocked to discover that she will happy to replace you. You won't teach anything, you are just making room for her OM to take your place.

Hurting_Husband, I can't recommend enough that you use this program. Part of using it means willing to concede that you aren't the expert. Most of us ended up at MB because well, we didn't know everything. There were problems. It's funny how sometimes we think we know how to fix these things from an extremely biased perspective, when the state of the marriage clearly shows otherwise. That's not just you, btw, that's me and everyone else here

You are making a few mistakes that will hurt you in the long run - first, moving out. Yes, I know you have your reasons, but you must understand that for women especially, when men "give space", to us, it means they just don't care. It is a justification she can use - "see? He left ME. He left the kids".

Two- not telling your children. First off, they know something is wrong, but what? You sit there and leave them guessing? Daddy just moves out because...? And mom starts hanging out with new guys because...? They need to know what is happening.

Women who have affairs aren't necessarily looking for casual sex, they are looking for replacements. You are making it mighty easy for her to bring in a new man to this house. You don't think she will do this? I'm sure you didn't think she would do all those other things either.

Gotcha on the lovebusting now. I was definitely being a "lovebuster" after #1...and the reason she said she did #2. And same reasons here for #1 happening in the 1st place. Surprisingly I'm not really being a lovebuster after #2. Almost seems easier after I've already been through it once.

Same here on the part about a revenge affair. Thought about it after #1...didn't. REALLY thinking about it after #2...haven't. My wife said the same things after her #1...but this time on #2 I'm to blame and don't see the same hurt from her.

Yes agree...I've written them off and will never apologize or be friendly with them again...BUT she never will. She doesn't have many female friends and told me that this is important to her to move forward. I said I don't care what you think and if that is the case I'll file now then and not work on it. This one is as-is for now.

Wow...read the exposure 101...that's some hardcore stuff. I've had my convo's with both of the OP's...you can take a guess at how those convo's went. And the rest of it...wow...that would piss her off...prob to the point of her saying that she is done which is why I haven't. BUT now on the OP's side...again I wish they were married...the joy in that one...but they are not...but I do like the idea of telling their friends and parents...mostly the parents since their friends are scumbags like them also so what would be the point there. And church...lol...highly doubt it for either of them. Problem with Facebook is they are both locked down...so I can't see their friends...so kinda tough there. I've been looking for a site where I could expose them and have the world see them for what they are...and have strangers some at them with some choice words.

I have to say MindMonkey...talking to you has been a big help. Keep with me and I will you since I could use a com padre in this this time. Additionally I have a great respect for you as well as our friends and family in the military. A big hats off to you for protecting this great country.

Side note...how do I use the snippets from past posts and talk to just those. Not seeing an option of how. Will look under FAQ's as well.

"Wow...read the exposure 101...that's some hardcore stuff. I've had my convo's with both of the OP's...you can take a guess at how those convo's went. And the rest of it...wow...that would piss her off...prob to the point of her saying that she is done which is why I haven't. "

But the goal is to save your marriage and protect your children, NOT to avoid her anger at any and all cost. If all of your decisions are made with that goal you will lose it all.

If you want to have ANY hope at all of saving your marriage, you should expose her affair. You should do it even if you don't want to save it as a therapeutic step for you all.

Ok, here's the skinny. At first, my W said that if I exposed her to "friends" and OM at work, our recovery was NOT happening...she was leaving. Right now, I can't convince her that she ever said that. Really? She has NO recollection of EVER saying that. In fact, now she is pushing ME to expose HIM to EVERYONE. I've run out of people to tell. It's a good position to be in but man, why couldn't she realize he was a POS BEFORE she [expletive]ed him?

Waywards say the craziest things. It's your job to bring them back to what we all call "Earth".

Keep working and keep the faith. Your wife is somewhere in that alien abducted person that shares your bed. Find her, free her, and make it work.

Hey MindMonkey (and for the rest of you),

Here's my last post...

So it took me a while to figure out one last # that I needed to look up...and guess what...it's Affair#1 AGAIN....so let's see:
Affair#1
then Affair#2
then Affair#3...which didn't know about until today...is the same OM as Affair#1....WOW....What the F!!!!!!

Decision made easy....I'M DIVORCING HER!!!!!!

Good luck to the rest of you...but I'm DONE!!!!

HH, I am so sorry to hear this. However, please expose her affairs to everyone. Everyone should know what she is doing. Otherwise she will blame this all on you. Keeping her affairs a secret hurts everyone. Especially your children.

p.s. and you should not leave your home. Ask her to move out if you are done with the marriage. You don't even want to leave your children there with a fogged out, reckless wayward who WILL - YES SHE WILL - move her boyfriend right in behind you.

Make HER move out since she is at fault.

Not moving out...staying in MY home until the divorce is final.

Found my own way to expose..and maybe make it easier for the rest of you...first off there are two sites on Facebook now (can Google)...one for exposing a cheating wife...one for a husband...plus this one I found
***edit***

Plus rest assurred I will let others know about her and her scumbag OM. As for my kids...this I don't agree with...and never will no matter how much you say it. The truth will be told when they are older. The divorce will hurt them enough...no sense in throwing more at them at this young age. Plus I'm sure they will find out from someone who is told...it doesn't have to be from me. Once they are out of the house and in college...I'll have a convo with them about why I left.

She is too far gone and I'm done...it will be better for me...and my kids...since they will come over to my peaceful home which I know they will come to enjoy more than their mothers in time.

Exposing to children does not have to denigrate the WS.

it could be as simple as, Mommy's and Daddy's make a promise to each other when they get married and part of that promise is that they will not ever date anyone else.

Mommy is now dating xxx and that is the reason why we can not fix our marriage right now.

They need to know who is breaking up their family.

LTL

Perhaps you are correct about yourself and nothing anyone can say on this subject will change your mind, H_H, but I'm still going to choose to talk to you about it, and I hope you will listen to what I have to say.

I am a FWW. My affair was in 2005 -- 8 years ago -- My husband and I are happily recovered. In 2005 our daughter was only 5 -- the affair lasted 3 months and it was long distance at that. Mr. W and I assumed that our daughter didn't need to know at that time. We always said, as you have, that we would tell her later when she was older. That is not what happened. The truth comes out sooner or later -- really sooner IS better than later. As "later" goes though we were lucky in the fact that one of us got to tell her -- out of the blue one day when she was 12 she asked me this question: "Mom, have you ever cheated on Dad?" She is very inquisitive and enjoys asking hypothetical questions -- she does this a lot. It just about killed me, but I knew that I could not lie to her -- adultery itself is born of lies, and I want no part of that, so I was honest with her. I cannot tell you how angry she was about being kept in the dark -- how hard it was for her to go back and try to remember and piece together details from that time period. Although for us the affair had been a long time ago, for her it was as though it just happened. It was very traumatic. It took awhile, and a lot of apologies, but finally she is okay. We are okay. Children can survive the truth. Lies and cover-ups cause damage.

Spare your children that, H_H. Be honest with them NOW. Don't let them wonder why this is happening. Don't put the welfare and moral guidance of your children in the hands of others -- that is your job, Sir. Showing your children that you value truth and honesty is so very important. Leading by example is a very powerful message to children -- they watch what we do even more than they listen to what we say. Show them that you are honorable by honoring them with the truth, H_H.

Please think carefully about this very important issue.

Mrs. W

Please reconsider exposing the affair to your children. When I told my children last year, my 14-year was relieved. The first thing she said was that she thought it (the tension/possible divorce) was HER fault.

You hurt your kids by keeping this vital information from them. Kids are not made happy or secure by believing illusions, it just leaves them confused and insecure. It is not good for your children, you or your wife to lie for your wife in this cover up. Everyone loses. And your children will resent you for it when they find out.

Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, on telling the children:

here



here

here

Why don't you check out the link in my signature? These are best practices that we have collected over the years. WE have thousands of recovered marriages here that have used these tactics.

I will tell you that anonymous exposures are useless. People don't take them seriously, nor do you get the desired effect, which is support for your marriage.

I just have to revisit this statement made by you in reference to your children, H_H. I haven't been able to get it off my mind since reading it. It is very troubling.


Why not you? Isn't a father supposed to be a moral guidepost for their children? Why would you abandon your post, Sir? Their entire world is about to be rocked -- the family that they have derived their security from is going under and you are unwilling to tell them WHY. WHY IS THAT?

They are being handed a 10,000 piece puzzle and asked to put it together without a picture to help guide them -- or worse they will be given the wrong picture by your wayward wife and expected to work it out from that. Why would you allow this H_H? You know how it feels not to have the truth about your life -- you understand that pain. Why would you subject your children to that?

It is your responsibility to arm your children with all the facts so they are able to properly maneuver this moral minefield. Why are you unwilling to do your job, Sir?

Mrs. W

I am extremely concerned that you do not know how to protect your teenage daughter. We see Wayward mothers moving in their lowlifes every day on these forums.

How common do you think it is for marriage wrecking stepdads to hit on a teenage girl?

And you won't even warn your daughter about what is happening to her own mother.

You are going to LEAVE. So she will just have to figure this out the best she can! While trusting whoever her mother introduces her to.

Dr H has written extensively on how WWs have to enlist the kids as liars to sneak the new OM in and out of the house. It becomes very important that the kids "Don't tell Daddy, because you will hurt Daddy". Time and time again it happens and the mother teaches the daughter to be wayward and a liar herself.

Blind trust got you here. Now you are hoping blind trust will stop her exposing the kids to her affairs?

I am praying for your children. They are smart, capable people who deserve the chance to ask their mother to help save their family.

They do not deserve being brushed aside like this as though they are too stupid to understand. As though their opinion is nothing.

We have a 7yo on the SAA forum who just stopped her mother's A. She said: "Why do you want a boyfriend when Daddy loves you?" The woman went from full on affair-ville to repairing her family. The marriage is now recovering.

When you say "She wouldn't do that" - that is EXACTLY what you told yourself after A number one.

As someone who speaks with victims of crime a lot, I have lost count of the number of stepfather on stepdaughter sex crimes.

I usually speak with the bio father too.

He always says "I was out of the house - what could I do?"

x 2

If you won't tell your children the truth now, you won't tell them the truth when they are older either...there will be another excuse not to...mostly likely it's been years so why bother now.

I'd go with Plan D but I also wouldn't protect a WS from the consequences of her choices or not teach my children moral lessons...every child should have those lessons.