Hello Everyone:

I am a betrayed spouse that found out about seven months ago that my husband cheated on me. We had been married for 11 years but have been together for 16. I suspected something a little bit before dday but I never entertained the idea because I never would have believed my husband would cheat on me.

The day I found out we had many days of complete hell with a lot of screaming and me threatening to leave. I decided to go see a marriage counselor after realizing I did have a part in our shaky marriage. Things were going fine but the fireworks and affection had long left the marriage.

After seeing that counselor, he convinced us within weeks that we were healed and we did not need to see him anymore. What a joke! He was saying that after only two months everything was okay. He was very sexist and made comments that made believe he took my husband's side even though he was the one that had the affair.

I found out my husband lied about details about the affair and it ended up coming out when I told him I was going for an STD test. He lied how many times he had sex with the OW and the dates. He had to confess when he realized his dates would not match his own STD test. When I found out, I think I was even more mad than D day, if that makes any sense. I was ready to walk but he convinced me to see another counselor. Thank goodness my tests came back clean because if not I would have been gone.

This new counselor is a woman and she is helping guide us through this mess that is called our marriage. My husband has given up the OW and he said they were just friends for the last few months before I found about the affair. I am not sure if he is even telling the truth when it comes to anything about the affair. I want to know details and he had told me a lot and maybe that was not a good idea.

My husband has been trying to repair this marriage as well as I have. We are far more loving and caring than we have ever been. He is very attentive and affectionate which I have not seen since our early days of dating. The sex is amazing and very frequent which was not commonplace before. I just always think I had to get this wonderful husband because he had an affair. Many times I hear my friends see the loving things he does and they will say "you are so lucky, you have such a great husband" and in my mind I am screaming "if you only knew".

I have not told anyone about the affair because I could not take their pity or that my child ever find out what her daddy did. He was selfish but I don't want that to affect their relationship. I have been trying to keep it together but sometimes my mind will continuously compare what was going on last year to what is going on this year.

I would just love to hear some positive comments from anyone who has dealt with an affair and come out on the other side with still being married. Any advice or ways to cope would be helpful. I hear time heals all wounds but I need something more concrete.

Hurt Spouse

Welcome to Marriage Builders, HS, sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. There is a very narrow path to a recovered marriage after an affair and most do not find it. Instead they end up with a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

The way to avoid that is 2 pronged, 1. affair proof your marriage and 2. create a romantic, passionate marriage

If you don't do that, you will be facing more affairs in your future. If yu don't create a much better marriage AFTERWARDS, betrayed spouses tend to experience resentment that grows with passing time. When someone is happy in the present, they don't tend to think about the past.

Please get the book, Surviving an Affair and follow the plan outlined in it. It will save your marriage. I know of NO OTHER recovery program that has such a plan. MB is different in that it focuses on creating romantic love, whereas other programs focus on "communication." Even the best communicators end up divorced. But a couple who is in love never gets divorced.

Please check out the thread on exposure in my signature link. Exposure is most impactful first step towards recovery. The more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable and give you support. And most certainly your child should be told of the affair. Your husbands affair did affect her very much and she has a right to know that he almost wrecked her safety and security over a big fat nothing.

The affair ended in March and lasted a little less than a year. He said the sex was only for three months but there was an incredible emotional connection even after the sex was done. He said he only had sex four times but I find it hard to believe.

When I found some pics and dirty messages between him and the OW, that was how it was found out. I told him to cut off ties immediately with her. He did and I trust that he has not seen her. She used to work for the same company but thank goodness she got a new job and is gone. She tried to contact him on two occasions but she has not since.

We have been spending a lot of alone time together and make sure to have a date night alone every week. We have become emotionally and physically very connected.

One problem is I know the dates he had sex with her so during those dates I was having a difficult time.

Many times I feel like I got a hold over this and then I spiral out of control. My husband has been trying. He has been very transparent with his phone and e-mails and letting me know where he is.

He is very sorry for putting his family in jeopardy but there are times I think he deserves to be punished but then I feel guilty afterwards.

What do people think about telling people about the affair even though you are trying to work it out.

I am so confused.

Don`t worry you are not grilling me.

"What do people think about telling people about the affair even though you are trying to work it out. "

It is very therapeutic for you all.

Hurt, please get the book Survivng An Affair and follow the program outlined there. One of the first things I would focus on is getting at east 20 hours per week of undivided attention time meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs. It takes about 4 dates per week to restore the romantic love to your marriage. 1 date per week won't get you there.

Just to let you know we spend most evenings together once our daughter is asleep. We have a date night every Friday alone all night ( daughter goes to her grandma`s) and spend Saturday morning together. We have a lot of emotional and physical contact. The sex is very frequent and the cuddling and holding each other is as well. The feelings and emotions are amazing.

It is just sometimes when I am feeling low I tend to pull away and that is when I need him the most. He tries to connect but I shut him down sometimes because I am get so angry about the affair.

The problem with UA time at home is that it is not very effective. It is done at a time when you are usually both exhausted and are easily distracted by tv, phones, computers, lint in your belly button, etc. You arent dressed up and looking your best Home UA time is usually very poor quality especially when a couple is not in love. It doesn't build up the love bank enough to create romance.

Now, couples who are recovered can often get away with this because they are in love and are not so easily distracted by things in the home.

So, if you want to recover the romantic connection, I would get out on dates and plan a few romantic vacations alone.

I do agree with that we have date night where we got out every Friday and dress up and really go out on a date. We make specific time for each other at other times.

It is very difficult to plan much more having a little daughter in school. My mom does not live close by.

Spending the money on a babysitter would be well worth the benefit to your marriage. The 20-plus hours of UA time spent meeting each others most important intimate emotional needs is absolutely instrumental in turning your marriage completely around after an affair. Once you and your husband are in love and experiencing a wonderful marriage, you will realize it worth the time and money spent on getting these dates.

Hurt, it is in her best interest for her parents to be in love. Couples in love don't get divorced. There is NOTHING more important to your child than her parents marriage. Hire babysitters.

Going out once a week will do nothing for your marriage.

Thanks for the advice I will make more time for us!

You are right we need to be okay for our daughter.

HS, print up this worksheet and plan out your time once a week. Time that is scheduled is much harder to skip. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf

And here is the article that explains the whys: The Policy of Undivided Attention