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Originally Posted by toni9999
I also love my BH and I love the boyfriend and I am scared to let go of what I have now and yet I cant see a future without BH. I am so stuck in that clich� ...a rock and a hard place. I need some advise on firstly how to try and reconnect with Bh to see if my feelings are based on only dimmed memories and a false ideal of the perfect family.

I am wanting my cake and eating it too for sure , call me weak . Is my only option in this situation to finish with the boyfriend and then wait and see if BH dislike of me has melted.

This sounds just like my WH. He keeps telling me he wants his family back, but he still has the OW in his life. There is absolutely no way I will have anything to do with him until he eliminates OW from his life. He needs to learn how to be happy with himself and quit relying on OW for his false happiness. The fact that my WH is still spending time with OW is so unattractive to me. I never thought it was possible to become un-attracted to the love of my life, but this did it.

There is no way to reconnect with your BH if you are still with your OM. It is impossible. End things with the OM, become more independent, don't act desperate toward your BH, and perhaps he will be attracted to you again.


BW (me)-31
WH - 33
M - 5 years
DD 3 years old
EA/PA - 5/2013
D-day - 6/29/2013. He refused NC.
I moved out with DD 9/2013.
Sold our home and made divorce arrangements.
Plan B - 12/8/2013
FR - 1/2014-3/2014
Divorced 4/2014
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Thanks Indiegirl that does make sense.

If I really sit and think about what I am feeling I am not vested in my current relationship. I have walls up all over the place and I look for him to do wrong , so I can be angry so that I can keep those walls up.

It all seems like hard choices.

My kids know I tried. I was on my own for a few years.

If my BH is living with his girlfriend and I start to communicate with him with intentions of reconciling aren't I being like those girls that go after men who are in relationships. After my affair I swore I would never ever do that again. Do I wait for BH to become single again ?

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Just rereading posts I think I should be clear on stuff

I had an affair
NEVER saw or talked to OM again once I was caught
3 years trying to work on marriage while separated
Husband meets his 'rag '
I then spent next year on my own , pulling myself together, counselling , reading books, doing stuff.
Couple of boyfriends and have now been with same guy 2 years
I never see xh or talk (really )
Our 3 kids have healthy relationships with both of us.
We are both parenting very well and both acvknowledge thateach other is doing great.

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Quote
You aren't divorced are you?
Did you answer this?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
You aren't divorced are you?
Did you answer this?
They are still married.

Here is her other thread. Toni, maybe you should ask the MODS to merge your threads?
toni9999's First Thread


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by toni9999
Just rereading posts I think I should be clear on stuff

I had an affair
NEVER saw or talked to OM again once I was caught
3 years trying to work on marriage while separated
Husband meets his 'rag '
I then spent next year on my own , pulling myself together, counselling , reading books, doing stuff.
Couple of boyfriends and have now been with same guy 2 years
I never see xh or talk (really )
Our 3 kids have healthy relationships with both of us.
We are both parenting very well and both acvknowledge thateach other is doing great.

Ma'am, you are both terrible role models for your children.
The lifestyles you and youe husband are living will affect their relationships with the opposite sex for the rest of their lives

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Originally Posted by toni9999
Thanks Indiegirl that does make sense.

If I really sit and think about what I am feeling I am not vested in my current relationship. I have walls up all over the place and I look for him to do wrong , so I can be angry so that I can keep those walls up.

It all seems like hard choices.

My kids know I tried. I was on my own for a few years.

If my BH is living with his girlfriend and I start to communicate with him with intentions of reconciling aren't I being like those girls that go after men who are in relationships. After my affair I swore I would never ever do that again. Do I wait for BH to become single again ?


In an emergency situation, we must first think of ourselves.

Your first job is to get out of a renters relationship. That is no good for you (or your kids or your H) and it makes any change impossible.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by toni9999
Thanks Indiegirl that does make sense.

If I really sit and think about what I am feeling I am not vested in my current relationship. I have walls up all over the place and I look for him to do wrong , so I can be angry so that I can keep those walls up.

It all seems like hard choices.

My kids know I tried. I was on my own for a few years.

If my BH is living with his girlfriend and I start to communicate with him with intentions of reconciling aren't I being like those girls that go after men who are in relationships. After my affair I swore I would never ever do that again. Do I wait for BH to become single again ?


If he was married, yeah - but he's using her.

You'd be doing her a favour, freeing her from such a situation.

I wouldn't go after him, I'd set him an example by leaving an uncommitted relationship.

If he asks say you didn't want to be in an uncommitted relationship any more, or for the kids to see you doing that.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by toni9999
Also he is living with the woman who helped him exit the marriage


Hold up, she is the OW!!!!

And you are concerned about her!?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Yep your right about setting the example. That makes sense.

So leave my current relationship.

Hope like hell that my xh sees me as a possibility to reconcile purely on the knowledge that I am single.


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XHs girlfriend was who help[ed him leave our marriage once and for all. Years of trying to make amends ended with her whispering and empathising with XH situation....he said ' she understood'
Woman are conniving and manipulative which does not seem to register ever with men. She had her own agenda and she made him feel good.

Actually today I feel really angry about everything. In all the years I have not been angry.

YES I had an affair. It never was sexual !
HE could not get over that
HE could not forgive
He destroyed the family.
YES I instigated but God knows I was so sorry and I would never do it again.
He acknowledged that he knows that I wouold never do it again.
GOT me nowhere.
Why cant I make a decision in my present situation.
I should hate XH.

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Toni,

You need to clean up your side of the street first. You both contributed to the destruction of your family. You have a lot of nerve being with another man while still married to him, proclaiming him the sole destroyer. You both royally screwed this up.

Now get to work on what YOU can change about YOUR situation.

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toni999,

YES I had an affair. It never was sexual !

Wait a minute, from everything you wrote here it OM, then two boyfriends, if I am reading correctly, you are saying you never kissed them or touched???

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by toni9999
My new guy 12 years seperated has not yet divorced. His reasoning ..... It prevents him from being tempted to get married again. Well that's what he tells me , and it suits me as then no pressure on me to get divorced.

Reason I don't divorce is because I just can't let go. That's what I need help reaching. I wish I was back with my ex husband. He was a good man . I don't know how to go about that either.
I'm stuck

You are living as the Other Woman in some marriage.
Your actions show you have no respect for marriage.
Are you willing to change?

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I suppose I did not see myself as married. Apart from a piece of paper I am divorced.

I refer to my affair to be when I was seeing a man that was not my husband whom I was living with, who had no idea what I was doing. I lied to him, cheated on him and fooled him.

Any men since then has been in the open. I have not been living with my husband.

So you giuys feel that bevause I don't hve that final $100 piece of court paper I should still consider myself married ?

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Toni,

Ok I think I get it, you had an emotional only affair when living with your BH. After you and BH split up you then had two physical affairs.

Yes the fact is that you are still married, and any men who live with a still married woman are not good prospects for marriage. Dump whoever you are living with now as a sign of your true sincerity to your BH.

God Bless
Gamma

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That is so easy to say. I do love my current boyfriend but cannot see a future with him due to unresolved issues with my BH. My BH have almost NO contact. For all I know he may not even think of me one little bit. He may have no intention of getting back with me. We are almost strangers.

My reasons for coming on here was to see if anyone had any ideas about how I go about finding that info out without losing what I have and without walking into my BH s work and asking the questions directly. I just don't seem to have the strength in me to do that.

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You ARE married.

You need to get some integrity about you. Lose the boyfriend regardless of what your husband would want. After you lose the husband it might be good to send your husband a letter telling him you have see the error of your ways and want him to know that. .

And then vow to not date until you are legally divorced.

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Your best support is going to be to tell you to do the right thing.

You will have No guarantees that you can ever R with your Husband.

But, you Can guarantee that it will always be impossible if you remain in this current relationship, regardless if you fathom that it us still an Affair or Not.

Only then, after you make that disconnect, Without keeping any embers burning and have NO Contact with him and learn the MB principles, then and only then will you finally be true to yourself and be able to test the waters.

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Divorce is not a $100 piece of paper.

It is a lengthy and focused process that costs WAY more than that.

And, yes, you are totally married to the man who you rarely ever see.

M.A.R.R.I.E.D.







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