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Joined: Oct 2013
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I've read Exposure 101 and I was wondering if the methods described are the same when the WS is having an emotional affair?

WH confessed his feelings for OW but after a few months took it back and said he was no longer in love with her. He stopped contact for a while but has started up again. Based on texts I've seen he's confessed his feelings for her, but she said he "wasn't in her plan" (she's going through a separation/divorce right now). He keeps asking her to think about what he said and she keeps delaying him.

At this point I don't believe the relationship has gotten physical. And I think he would separate from me before it gets to that point. Would I get anything out of exposing the relationship at this point? At this point its only a confession of feelings from him and flirting from her, so I want to be careful that I don't throw them together or come off as the vindictive b***ch by not allowing him opposite sex friends.

I just don't know what to do.

Last edited by IAmLemondrop; 10/22/13 06:11 PM.
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I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

Emotional affairs are every bit as devastating to your marriage as a physical affair. And if it's emotional now, it will most certainly become physical. He won't necessarily separate from you to accomplish this either. Many many spouses lie and deceive so they can have BOTH.

Do you have solid evidence of your husband's affair? Make sure it's enough to convince a jury and keep it in a safe place, then YES, expose it!

Expose it to your friends and family and as many of her friends and her family as you can locate. Ask for their help in ending the affair.

If you have children, they need to know as well.

Did you read the thread at the top of this forum?





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Welcome!

You want to stop the affair dead in its tracks BEFORE it's gets physical. The best way to kill an affair is by exposing it. Follow the exposure plan as outlined in the "Start here" thread.

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LemonDrop, this isn't a tough call at all: Stockpile your evidence and please expose the affair asap.

If your husband is worth warm spit, someday he will THANK you for exposing his affair, and thank God for the fact that it was exposed. You can take it from me. Because I walked in your husband's shoes & then some, I am sorry to say.

Once, before my affair became physical, I tiptoed up to the line of telling my wife about the attraction to the other woman. But I held back. Nothing was pressing me to shut it off. I wanted to continue getting my ego fed by the other woman's easy attention. And I hit rock-bottom & almost trashed my marriage to the best woman on the planet.

His affair isn't remotely close to being over, and won't be until they've ceased all contact. PLEASE don't delude yourself on this point. I repeat: His affair is ongoing, and progressing, as long as they remain in communication of any sort. You think you'll risk driving him away? Ma'am, you need to get what I'm about to tell you:

He's "already gone." As long as he's in touch with her, he'll remain loyal to the affair. You can't drive him away, because emotionally, he's already away. What you need to do is to get him back; and Lemondrop, that can't begin to happen until you break up the affair.

Also do not delude yourself with the conventional "wisdom" that an emotional affair & a physical affair are different things. They're NOT! They are one & the same addiction being fed. An "emotional affair" is simply an affair that hasn't YET become physical. Your husband's affair will assuredly become physical unless you put an end to it. Exposure is your best chance to accomplish this.

Ignore this advice at grave peril to your odds of saving your marriage.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by IAmLemondrop
I've read Exposure 101 and I was wondering if the methods described are the same when the WS is having an emotional affair?

WH confessed his feelings for OW but after a few months took it back and said he was no longer in love with her. He stopped contact for a while but has started up again. Based on texts I've seen he's confessed his feelings for her, but she said he "wasn't in her plan" (she's going through a separation/divorce right now). He keeps asking her to think about what he said and she keeps delaying him.

At this point I don't believe the relationship has gotten physical. And I think he would separate from me before it gets to that point. Would I get anything out of exposing the relationship at this point? At this point its only a confession of feelings from him and flirting from her, so I want to be careful that I don't throw them together or come off as the vindictive b***ch by not allowing him opposite sex friends.

I just don't know what to do.
Where did you get the idea that this is an emotional affair and hasn't gotten physical? Who told you this? Your wayward spouse? doh2

I suspect your WH has backed off on his declared love for his OW because they have gone undergroud with the affair. You have already confirmed that he is back in contact with OW.

To whom have you exposed the affair?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by GloveOil
His affair isn't remotely close to being over, and won't be until they've ceased all contact. PLEASE don't delude yourself on this point. I repeat: His affair is ongoing, and progressing, as long as they remain in communication of any sort. You think you'll risk driving him away? Ma'am, you need to get what I'm about to tell you:

He's "already gone." As long as he's in touch with her, he'll remain loyal to the affair. You can't drive him away, because emotionally, he's already away. What you need to do is to get him back; and Lemondrop, that can't begin to happen until you break up the affair.

Also do not delude yourself with the conventional "wisdom" that an emotional affair & a physical affair are different things. They're NOT! They are one & the same addiction being fed. An "emotional affair" is simply an affair that hasn't YET become physical. Your husband's affair will assuredly become physical unless you put an end to it. Exposure is your best chance to accomplish this.

Heed this. I had the chance to right my WW BEFORE it became physical, but I did not. Your H may have already crossed that boundary, but if not, you are in a good position to fix an otherwise desperate situation. Exposure may be your BEST BET.

An EA is an A. That is certain. Treat it as an A. The number one reason to do so is that unless you catch it early enough, there is no such thing as an (only) EA. They ALWAYS turn physical. It's in the formula.


Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
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DD-15/ DS-10
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EAs are in many ways MORE damaging than PAs.(And I'm not convinced its only an EA)

The aim of exposure is a) to make it appear in its true, non romantic, shameful form. This is especially important here because they are talking it up into a romance. Its not just a hook up.
And B) to make it clear you won't help him lie to people about such an egregious act.

If he had known (as he should) that any EAs were to be exposed by his honourable and truthful wife, , he'd have been pretty sure to avoid starting them.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Not to mention the skank is still married. Sure she's getting a divorce, she hasn't got boundaries. Wonder why.

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Originally Posted by IAmLemondrop
At this point its only a confession of feelings from him.


ONLY a confession of feelings from him.

Only.

A strange way to put it. I felt that my husband sending a message to another woman to tell her he was falling for her was the WORST betrayal possible for a man to do unto his wife.

Back when I thought affairs happened to 'other people', on some level, I anticipated the possiblity of a drunken one night stand.

I had NEVER thought it was possible for my husband to soberly and purposefully romance another. Giving her words that belonged only to me. Words that led to the bedroom.

Did you really think 'only' when you saw these messages? When he professed his feelings for this intruder?

Or is that what you fear other people will think?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.


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