Yes, I have spyware on his phone and I have GPS tracker on his phone. I'm constantly checking up on his location.

OW are quite a fascinating breed of cat. [my apologies to cats for the insulting comparison ] They not only fancy themselves as the arbiter of marriage advice, but have been known to spill their guts about every detail of an affair. They are much more willing to talk than an OM typically.

Good girl!! I am starting to relax and not worry so much about you. You are catching on.

ha ha!! Thanks!!! I'm trying!


Question tho: I pulled this from the MB site about recovery...

"But once apologies are made, a couple should move on to the business of rebuilding their relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of their past. As much as you may want to talk about the affair or about any other mistake made, remember that every conversation on those subjects withdraw love units. And a Love Bank must first be overflowing with love units before you are in a position to waste any. "


Doesn't this mean that I should stop bombarding him with questions and asking for details? Shouldn't I just let up a bit to make him more comfortable with the idea of recovery?

Viscount Ashley of Leftfield is highly offended by the comparison!

Nope! He should give you all the details to your satisfaction FIRST. Once you have ALL THE DETAILS, then the affair should be dropped. HOWEVER, that does not mean that the subject of affair proofing and recovery should not be discussed.

sorry for the insult to cats!!

here

Exactly as ML said. When you know you've gotten all the details of the affair you need then it's dropped and never again comes up. You're asking questions because you know you don't know everything you need to be settled.

Thanks again everyone. I really do believe we are on the right track here. When it comes to the details... I'm pretty sure I have the BIG details... who where why when how and how long. What I seem to be asking for are little details... ya know?

BB, get as much details as you need so you can put it to rest.

The little details will haunt you indefinitely, especially as a woman.

This is where I think you would benefit talking to OW. Your husband will be tempted to say, "I don't remember" but OW WILL remember.

Good point... I have not contacted OW yet. I'm hesitant. Part of me wants to think that ignorance is bliss but I know that is not so. I think I'll never truly know the extent of things without talking to her. At the same time, I want to rip every piece of hair out of her head and set her clothing on fire while she is still wearing it... but... that would be wrong. I fear I will not be able to have a CALM RATIONAL discussion with her.

Prior to this happening, I always said that the BW who gets angry with the OW is a fool... yet here I am, hypocrit of the year! My thinking is that she knew the day they began chatting that he was married and she persued him anyway. She never denied that she wanted more than a friendship with him. To me, that makes her a person with poor boundaries and very bad moral fiber. She set out to ruin my marriage from day one. I can't put all the blame on him!! I cannot call her by name. I cannot humanize her by giving her a name. I refer to her as BF in my house -- stands for B*tchface.

It makes me wonder how that conversation would go. "Hello B*tchface, spill your guts on what you did with MY HUSBAND. Oh, and by the way, you are an evil, disgusting, dispicable entity that doesn't qualify to be called a human being." Yeah, not sure she'd be too receptive to that! LOL

I'm not sure if that was a "vent" or if you are considering not calling her. Definately don't meet her in person, and if you do, leave the matches at home.

I went to have an in-person civilized discussion with OM. Turns out, the background check gave me his father's address (not home at the time). So I called him and asked him to meet me. Guess how he responded? Not so bold when the BH flys 4000 miles to look you in the eye, are you? Probably for the best, I don't know how civilized I would have been. No...calling and email turned out to be the safest for everyone.

I think it was a little of both!! I don't trust myself to fly to Florida to see her in person. I'd probably injure her. But.. the phone call... I'm not sure if I have the strength to be civil. I was thinking about setting up a web based email account to use and email her instead. That would give me the opportunity to EDIT myself and perhaps be less aggressive. Then, once I get the info I need, I can delete the account and she has no contact info.

What do you think of that idea?

I would find a way to talk to her in instant chat. Perhaps over facebook or AIM. I got TONS of information from the OW over AIM. [AOL instant messenger] It is so simple to download and you can program it to save the log of your chat.

The reason I think you should speak to her in chat is because you want her to answer you impulsively so you get the truth. OW usually don't have much self control. My H's OW delighted in giving me the goods because it made her feel superior to tell me their secrets. I took advantage of that feeling! If you exchange emails it will give her time to think everything over. You don't want that.

Also, it will be easier to control your emotions over IM chat.

I would shoot her an email and invite her to chat with you on AIM at a certain time. Maybe give her no warning and ask her to join you as soon as she receives your email.

I think this is a good idea, because you will then have a written record of her side of the story.

The written record will be helpful to you if your WH has a different version of the truth, so you won't be second guessing yourself if you remembered a conversation wrong because you were mad or nervous. Or if your WH is weasel-wording things like, "You must have misunderstood", or "you must not have heard her right".

I hope you have not discussed this idea with your husband...DON'T. This is part of the James Bond stealthy fact-finding mission.

Yes!! I have had these exact thoughts about OW. I texted her a few times early in the affair to tell her to back off and give me a chance to save my marriage & family. But nope - that didn't stop them. I also can't use her name. I feel that would be giving her respect she doesn't deserve. I usually refer to her as slut, whore, or home wrecker.

During the affair WH played volleyball with OW three nights per week. My friends really wanted to show up at a game one time and confront OW or see what she did. I just couldn't do it! So I know what you mean about physical confrontation. My emotions would probably take over and I'd be out of control.

I like the instant message idea for you. I hope she agrees to talk with you whenever you decide to do it.

[quote=LifeIsBetter
During the affair WH played volleyball with OW three nights per week. My friends really wanted to show up at a game one time and confront OW or see what she did. I just couldn't do it! So I know what you mean about physical confrontation. My emotions would probably take over and I'd be out of control.
[/quote]

We have had several affairs that were killed that very way. SusieQ and her sisters confronted the OW in her sister's situation and ran her off. Dr Harley does recommend confronting the OP. If you think you would punch her out, it is a good idea to take some friends who will hold you back. And always...........leave your pistol in the car!!

Update:

Cell phone check indicated that WH started speaking to OW using her new cell phone number. This was at 2:00 AM, Saturday into Sunday. I blocked the new number, photographed then deleted the new messages, and handed him a suitcase... ok, THREW the suitcase at him. I then emptied his dresser into the suitcase in front of his eyes. He said I looked crazed. I didn't say a word. I then took the suitcase and threw it out the front door. I went back to the bedroom and took him by the hand and led him to the door, where I pointed that he should get out. He asked what was wrong with me. I held up his cell phone then collapsed on the floor in a pile of anxiety and tears.

He fell to his knees and started to sob. He begged me to let him stay. He said he was weak. He said she got the new number and contacted him in tears because her life was falling apart. He spoke to her to calm her down. It was only for a few days.... blah blah blah.

I let him stay for now, but he knows this is his last chance.

I was angry and hurt, so I called OW on the new number from our house phone. Naturally, she answered, thinking it was him. We had a nice little chat. She confirmed that there was no sexual contact aside from a simple kiss at the airport... consistant with his record of their only visit together. She was angry with him and spilled the beans about a few of his lies. I feel like I have another chunk of the puzzle filled in now and I can see most of the picture. She was so angry with the details I gave her about how GOOD our marriage had been. He never told her that. He told her our marriage was mostly over. She told me that she was done with him. She wanted nothing to do with a liar like him. Ironic, isn't it?

Anyway... that's where I am.