Well a little history/background first:
My wife and I were married in 2005. Her step-Grandfather got us a copy of HNHN. Around the winter of 07 and 08 I started to notice my wife getting very distant. Things like "I love you but am not in love with you", "I know you would be happier with somebody else", "I feel like we are just friends"... just the usual fog-speak. Came home one day and she was just gone. Long story short came back two months later pregnant not sure who was the father. We tried to work through or issues by ourselves but obviously that never works. About 6 months after the birth of our daughter we moved and during the packing process I found the copy of HNHN. I read it and found the website and have been lurking ever since. I have tried a few times to get the wife to do the books and program but she refuses to.

Current Issue:
About 3 months ago she started to say stuff like "I guess we have a pretty good life here don't we?", "I need to learn to be happy with the things I have and not what I want". These made me worried a little but I stepped up my snooping and monitor some. Then two days ago it all happened over again. She called me into the bedroom and I walked in and she was naked. then she said "I don't think you are happy and I know I am not happy. Hurry up and do what ever you want to me because this will be the last time we have sex. I will never kiss, touch, hug or love you again and we need to figure the future out as this is not working for either of us." Well talk about killing the mood.I obviously tied to talk to her but she refused.

I immediately went to into Plan A since and have stepped up my game around the house and with the two kids. I have become MR Mom and have tried to keep doing fun things with the kids and invite her along. I have attempted to do my best to take an educated guess on her top 5 and meet them to the best of my ability. I have always since the affair kept a keylogger on the computer and the phone, but in the last couple of days I have stepped it up and can't find anything. I am up and at work before she is so the first we see of each other is late afternoon. She is fairly "normal" in regards to mood and demeanor towards me but as the night goes on she gets more and more resentful and spouts off more apparent Fog-speak. She will allow me to hug her early on but by 730 or 8 if i try to show any affection she will get up and go to bed.

I know it is very likely that she is at least in an EA possibly more. I have in the past mentally put another PA as the line in the sand for me staying in the marriage. So until I can find evidence I am on Plan A which brings me to my questions.

How do I respond to her when she tells me that I would be happier with somebody else?

How much affection should I show her? Just do what she will allow me or pile it on until she gets upset?


Thanks for the help and if this is a little choppy I apologize as I am at work and keep getting interrupted.

RRawg, welcome to marriage builders. Sorry for the reasons that bring you here. I am not going to answer your questions because, to me, that is like asking what color curtains you should choose for the sinking Titanic, I would put all your focus on getting evidence of her affair and then expose it.

Have you looked at cellphone bill? Get her phone and install spyware on it. Preferably one with a GPS on it. You can also put a VAR in her car to see who she is saying to. Don't ask her who or of she is having an affair, just get the evidence and come back here.

Does she have a Facebook page? Have you looked at her messages and her friends list to get any ideas?

Des she have a job?

Melody,

Yes, I have had spyware on her phone since affair in 08. We have a joint Facebook account and I have the spyware on the computer since 08 as well. Yes she does have a job and her previous affair was with a co-worker. Last time their as no electronic evidence until it turned into a PA. Her job is for the local school district so I was able to find a list of employees on the internet and have spent time search all of their Facebook pages to see if she has a rogue account, but no luck so far.

so your belief is not to worry about Plan A until there is proof? I thought that these to were to happen at the same time.

Yes, you should be in Plan A, but the most critical part of plan a is exposing the affair. While you should do everything to avoid Lovebusters, your main focus should be on getting the evidence of the affair so you can expose it.

Does she know about this spyware? Have you searched for a secret 2nd phone? And did you read my suggestion about putting a VAR. inherent car?

One way to see if she has another Facebook account is to go to Facebook and do a search on all of her email addresses and phone #s.

To my knowledge she does not know of the software. I have searched for a prepaid phone and have asked the kids if mommy has a phone that daddy doesn't know about. A four year old is awesome in that they can't keep a secret!!! I also clean and sweep(and snoop) the inside of her van fairly often and have never come across one. After our reconciliation my mom sat me down and said the old line "fool me once shame on you... fool me twice shame on me" So I have kept up the monitoring these last 5 years. I think that it is mostly just a face to face thing at work (for now).

How can you get the goods?

I am not sure. So far my plan was to monitor everything I can(computer, phone, laptop, and car mileage)while Plan A'ing her till it hurts. I will continue to dig and attempt to until I find something. In my mind if it is another affair my wife is not the type to play on both fields very long so either she will leave for him or will slip up and I will find something. On the small chance that it is just an empty love bank hopeful the Plan A will add enough deposits to it.

I was just unsure of (to use her fog-speak term) "smothering" her was a bad thing or not?

Well, you don't want to be annoying, but the most important thing is finding out if there is an affair. If there is an affair, all of the need meetin in the world will be to no avail because her lovebank will be closed.