Kandi,<BR> I believe that what your mother said is so true. When I read your comment, The song by Betty Wright No pain, No Gain! I just wished the pain wasn't this great/intense.

Do you have children yet?<P>Your comments on how he is acting sound promising to me.<P>He is not blaming you and he is showing shame and disappointment in himself. That is good atleast from your point of view.<P>I feel you need to get him home if you can.<P>Remember (and this is probably the hardest part, atleast for me) He is hurting. You probably feel he deserves to, but atleast try to remember that when a person is hurting they don't always act rationally or atleast the way they normally do.<P>I'll say again, let him try to help you. You need help. You need a lot of things right now. You need a big hug from someone. You might be surprised how good it would feel to let him hug you. You need to cry. Again you might be surprised how good it feels to cry on his shoulder. He hurt you, there is no denying that. You are angry and I'm sure he understands that. <P>He probably doesn't know what he should do right now. Tell him what you need and give him the chance to give it to you.<P>You are in a position to make your marriage better than it was before or move on. God will be on your side either way.<P>Talk to him. You can show pain, you need to. Try not to show anger, that is unproductive and will cause him to become defensive.<P>I would love to be able to talk to him right now and tell him what he needs to do. <P>Oh I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Essyboo<BR> We don't have children but lately he had reallly been discussing starting a family. In a way I think he thought if I was pregnant I would be less likely to leave him. Thank you its like you have become my personal rock!!!!<BR> I cried in his arms (even though I didn't want to) all Thursday night. I couldn't believe it. All he kept saying is I need to hold you. If you are not in my arms then I can't tell you everything you want to know. I think he'll be back tomorrow (sunday) I am not sure, I don't even know where he is. He had made plans to go out with some friends to celebrate his birthday (yesterday) I am sort of worried about him because he kept saying this all happen on my birthday just when I thought this would be the best birthday ever. He was very, very depress anout it. I don't think I made matters any better because I respond Good that means you'll never forget your 27th birthday and he responded thats for sure.<BR> My husband has always been a strong man but he looked broken yesterday. I guess if I would have took the time to evaluate the situation I would have realized this but I was and still is too involved in my own pain.

I understand.<P>I think I finally was able to see my husband's pain the other day (18 months later). I kept telling him he didn't feel remorse and he kept saying he did and I refused to see it.<P>My preacher told me to never think I am weak for staying, it will mean being the strongest person on earch. Don't ever think I'm a coward, the easiest thing would be to leave.<P>Cling to whatever you see that is good. It does appear that he is taking responsibility for his actions, because he is ultimately responsible. It is good he already realizes it.<P>I hope he contacts you tomorrow.<P>Don't worry about not being able to forgive him. It may take you a very long time. You may forgive him for a while and then realize you don't anymore. More importantly than forgiveness, try to understand him, not for even for what he did, but for what he is.<P>I am able to do this for a while and then I can't again for awhile and I have to have the wonderful people here put things back into perspective. The last couple of days I have been able to again and things are going much better. <P>My marriage takes on whatever attitude I happen to have. If I am working, it improves. If I grow tired and give up things go downhill.<P>I asked my H (during the height of our latest setback) when do we give up? He said, "I don't know, but I'm not ready yet and I don't ever plan to be ready."<P>Something that helped me, because I am a goal oriented person, was to make shortterm goals. My first goal was that I promised him I would not leave until our Anniversay. That was in July, our anniversary is in August last 1998, Then I promised to stay until the end of the school year, May 1999 (we have three children two of which are in school). When we were really fighting I promised him I would be home when he came home and that was even enough for him.<P>Don't worry about longterm right now, start with promising yourself that you will talk to him when he calls. Promise you will listen the next time you talk and again I say, let him help you, you deserve and need help right now. Give him the chance to try.

Essyboo, Thanks, It's so hard to know what to do part of me wants to stay but the other part says pack your bags. Then there is the part that wonders if there isn't a part of him that will always compare me to her. Thats what hurt the most not knowing. Also how do I know it won't happen again. That old saying once a cheater always a cheater.<BR> I congratulate you for making this far. I know there has been plenty of times that you've wanted to leave. How did you stop yourself? I know must couples that have kids stay because of them. Is this the reason why you fight so hard?

That has been a big factor, but also my shortterm goal dates that I spoke of earlier helped. I didn't have the despair of thinking that I had committed the rest of my life to him before I am ready, or the despair of saying to myself, will I be leaving tomorrow?<P>Just remember that we didn't have success early on. If I had made my final decision even 6 months into the knowing I probably would have had to leave. After 18 months we still have trouble every once in a while. If I had had to make a final decision last week we would have failed, but today I plan on staying.<P>I struggle with the fear of him doing it again. Keep in mind that anyone is capable of having an affair. You must continue working on your marriage forever, not just this marriage, but any marriage. Just because he did it once doesn't mean he will do it again. You could find yourself another husband, but just because that new person hasn't ever betrayed before doesn't mean he won't ever do it.<P>This is much easier to say than it is to feel. I realize you will have doubts and fears, because I still do, but if your H can always stay faithful today and then always stay faithful tomorrow, then he will always stay faithful forever. It will mean you helping him, that is what marriage is all about.<P>I realize that this is a situation where he can never really be proven right only wrong. Even years down the road you can tell youself, "Ok, he's been faithful to me since we reconciled, but he could be unfaithful to me tomorrow", but sometimes you have to make a leap of faith.<P>Take a deep breath and remember that you have only begun. Try to promise yourself you will give it a little time and don't panic. If you want to make it work and he is even a little willing to try, then ya'll have a great start.

Essyboo<BR> I think its easier to say then do. I went off line for alittle while because i was feeling sorry for myself. Today is day three and I thought by now I would atleast be able to think about it without crying but that's not true. I don't think him being away since Friday morning has helped any either. <BR> I admire your strength, I wished I contain atleast one-tenth of it. It is true what you say just because I find someone new it doesn't mean it won't happen again. But try telling me heart that. I am very scared to risk my heart again. Sometimes I feel like curly and dying. This is the first time I've every had to spend so many lonely nights in bed by myself. What a lonely cold place it was. Since I was in 7th grade I've never been alone. I've always taking his love to bed with me now I am faced with the reality of going there by myself with nothing, not even love. Its like I lost more than my husband, I lost everything. And even if we get back together I will still lose what we had before. <BR> I think until this time I was very innocent in the workings of the world. If nothing else I have grown up in hurry in these last few days. The only thing is i wished growing didn't hurt this bad. Can you answer one question when does it stop hurting? When does the pain ease just a little?

Essyboo ???

Sorry about not posting earlier, I was at Church Services this morning.<P>The hurt doesn't stop or go away, it changes. I feel it will ease for you when you are able to start working toward repairing your relationship with your H.<P>I still hurt constantly. I told my H last night that I was so sorry about the huge fight we had last week, but sometimes I get such a feeling of despair when I think about living the rest of my life still hurting.<P>I think I cried pretty much constantly for atleast a week. We began reading together and working together almost immediately and that helped. It was a real eye opener finally knowing what he has been thinking all these years about our relationship. I really thought I was taking care of him. I was taking care of him, but not the way he needed me to. He realized the same thing about me. We both worked together in the beginning to right the wrongs. <P>I honestly feel that most men want to feel that they are taking care of their wife, that they are protecting them. He failed to protect you from getting hurt, so right now he feels pretty bad about himself.<P>I have not yet sought out professional councelling and that was our biggest mistake. I have spoken to different people like my preacher and a dear friend who is also a doctor. I have contacted a counceller now, even though it has been so long.<P>I just hope your H comes back. He needs to be at home right now for you. That is his responsibility.<P>My H refused to leave he said I would have to leave. This may be in part because he knew I couldn't/wouldn't. Your H appears to be nonconfrontational, atleast right now about this situation. That is okay he just isn't able to face what he has done to you. That shows a level of remorse I never got early on from my H, I envy you for that a little. My H just jumped in headfirst to right all the wrongs about our marriage that caused the affair in the first place. That was good, but we never had that period of mourning that I think could have helped me. You are having that period of mourning right now and I think you H is to in his own way.<P>Nobody knows how they will handle this type of situation, even if they have been through it before, but especially if you haven't. He may be spending more time thinking about how you need him to handle it than he is how you should be handling it.<P>Maybe you need to seek him out. It will give you a feeling of accomplishment and it will get him home where he needs to be right now for you.<P>The best advice I can give you about your pain is to channel it. If you want to save your marriage, use that energy to go out and find him and bring him home. You may have to be strong enough for the both of you for a while, but there will come a time when that strength you have gained through this experience will be cherished.

the pain, i dont think, ever goes away. it becomes a part of you. what dosen't kill us only makes us stronger. i know the fear of therapy- i have been in it since may- i know the roller-coaster alos. you will have times you want out, you will have times you wanna work on it. if you dont want a d- dont. that is totally up to you.<BR>relaize that YOU weren't the problem- his behavior is. maybe try <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting." TARGET=_blank>www.divorcebusting.</A> com also as a forum- good book also.<BR>i'm glad you come back often- some days are better than others, but please, please- DO NOT LOSE YOUR SELF-RESPECT. my behaviors have been so unlike me its unreal- just like hers. i have known her for 13 years- and i dont know her at all.<BR>i know it is all-consuming at times- but take it easy, eat, rest, and relax. these things take time. take care of you- and your reactions, thats the only thing you can control.

I definitely agree with not losing your self-respect. That is very important. <P>You may have to work hard to find the strength to do some of the things you will have to do, but that should not involve lowing your standards of behavior.<P>Keep in mind that your H has lost self-respect because of what he did. Somewhere inside he knows he did something terrible and therefore his OW did something terrible too. If you keep your self-respect then you will always be the strongest of you three and eventually you H will come to greatly appreciate that.<P>I don't know if I feel begging him to come back would be a good idea, but tracking him down and making sure he knows that you are receptive to him returning and to working this out would probably be very productive. If you don't think you can do this, don't worry. Just remember that you have had a devestating blow. You may react in a way neither one of you ever expected, but if saving your marriage is your goal, then ask the Lord for the strength and then search yourself for that strength and you will probably find it.<P>You said that you are usually the one people go to with their problems, well, your husband has a problem right now, let him come to you, make sure he knows he can. At the same time let him help you because that is what he needs to do both for his healing and yours.<P>God Bless You. It really has been such a short time for you, but remember, many of the people here had spouses that were still involved in their affairs and had even decided to start new lives with the OP, yet managed to save their marriage. You can do this.

I want him to come home but I don't know if its for the right reasons. Sometimes its because I want him to see the pain his caused me other times its because I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right. Decisions, Decisions, I think the reason why my husband didn't come to me in the first place is because I try not to see any of the bad things going on in the world. When some does something wrong, I think they are bad for doing wrong. He always told me I was the only good in his life. This may have been why he didn't come to me or am I just grasping at straws.<BR> Can you tell me how do you go about being intimate with your spouse again after this. I am worried that he'll come and we'll start working things out and I still won't be able to go as far as sex. How long can I expect him to wait before he seeks someone else out?

Wow,<P>That is a tough one.<P>Let him know how you feel. Tell him that sometimes you want the see his pain and sometimes you want him to hold you. Talk to him. He surely should understand, but most importantly let your heart guide you. If it happens let it happen, but don't force yourself. Remember, you're decision to forgive or atleast your decision to work it out will affect your attitude, ability, strength. It is hard to understand exactly what happens, but once you decide to work this out, you will find the strength, the will the fight. I can't really explain what happens.<BR>

Spicy2 - how're you doing? Just saw this post. Day three. I was throwing up. Couldn't hold a meal down. Couldn't stop crying. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stand to be awake. The pain in my chest was so big I just knew it was gonna explode any second. I couldn't work, couldn't take good care of my daughter, couldn't carry on a conversation. I hadn't even posted here, yet, couldn't do it. Lost 22# in 2 weeks.<P>You're not alone.<P>One day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time. The pain doesn't really stop, but you become stronger. It gets a little easier to handle.<P>Counselling is a good idea. Anti-deps aren't bad either. You cannot do enough to take care of YOURSELF.<P>You also are in no state of mind to make any decision that's gonna affect the rest of your life. Trust me on that one. I know it's all going through your head. I know you need so many answers. It can't happen now. It's too soon.<P>Care for yourself. Talk to us. Thank goodness you had Essyboo online. Don't DO anything right now except try to survive. That's the name of the game for now. <P>After you've had some time, you may discover that if he's willing to try, you want to as well. Most of us do, surprisingly enough. So try not to get rid of that option from the start. Let him KNOW you are hurt. Let him KNOW you need some time. There's nothing wrong with that. Even a good Plan A means honesty - just honestly without lovebusting.<P>Hang in there. You are not alone. We've all been there. <P>And when you're up to it, go back and read some of the posts by the betrayers here. Help yourself to understand their suffering as well. Their pain, like yours AND your husbands is very very real. I've learned so much from the wonderful people here - those on BOTH sides of the fence and feel priviledged to call them my friends.<P>Cry here. Yell here. Rant and rave all you want. Whatever you need to do to get through this hour, this moment. To keep you from turning this horrible hurt toward him. <P>I've learned to separate it. Love the man, hate what he's done. That perspective helped more than anything.<P>lots of love to you.<P>Lori

Hellllllllllllllllp!!!!!!! Its 9:35 and I have not heard from my husband in 3 days.<P> Lori, today I decided to stop hiding in the house not let this control me but to control it. I ate something for the first since this has happen. I wanted to bring it back up but I struggled. I am going to get through this I will not let her win!!!!

12:55 a.m. no sign of husband. Talk with a friend finally but he seem very smug like he knew something I didn't. I think I have gotten passed worried to hurt . I really expected him back today and he didn't come. What does that say about his feelings for me? He hasn't called to see how I am dealing with this? I go back to work tomorrow because I've decided no to let this rule me but How can I return to work when I stayed up waiting on him to come home.