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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
Omw is filing for divorce. Do I tell my wife?


All this time here and you have not learned about NC. Best for WW to never hear about the OM. If a WW is breaking NC by checking the OM's FB page for an update, this update about the OM is breaking NC.

What is worse about this is that your WW is not breaking NC. You are breaking NC for your WW.

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The idea that the FWS should feel pain because you do and that they should be made aware of this pain on a regular basis turns what should be a recovery (a new relationship of mutual extraordinary care) into a relationship of punishment. How in the world can someone fall in love with you, or you fall in love with them, if you can't be trusted to not pull out punishment occasionally? When you remind them of their affair, your extending your own pain and making sure that you, yourself, don't heal.

Dr. Harley makes it clear, and so did MrEureka, that healing requires no revenge or rubbing their faces in the fact they hurt you with their affair. It should be dropped once JC has been made.


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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
She lives a guilded life where she retains the dignity and stature of a happily married person while her victim(s) suffer. I have opted to live in thus silent purgatory for a myriad a reasons.

And NG, I can fuel the fires at any time for any reason I choose but I don't. I choose the high road while my insides give Tums and Rolaids a run for their money. So don't accuse me of disingenuous motives. Her going to bang her boyfriend while keeping a straight face is disingenuous.;

I'm the good guy here.

I wasn't surprised about the news. It was expected. If I was my wife I'd like to know if my lover's soon to be ex was speaking to my spouse.



These words right here are what worry me. If Mr. XVY even has an inking of this resentment and these feelings toward me, is it worth it to stay married? If I was your WW I would rather you tell me this information then whether or not OM and his BS are divorcing or not. I would not want to know but I would want to know these feelings that you have toward me.

Sorry but I don't think the high road is having these feelings and keeping them from your wife. How again is this helping your marriage?

Last edited by fifteenyears; 09/14/13 04:03 PM.

Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
Omw is filing for divorce. Do I tell my wife?
What would that accomplish, other than bringing up OM and the whole sordid mess? The answer is No. If you think this news will punish your WW ("You helped break up their marriage, you bad person!") that ploy will come back to bite you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Thanks for the advice . I'm still having trouble with the notion of her being this delicate flower where the mere mention of her past will set off a chain of unwanted results. She did a very anti-delicate flower thing (for the lack of a good word) for a very long time time which implies to me she can handle certain things. There seems to be a level if coddling of the WS I'm not willing to do.

PS. I told her last night. It was no big deal. She was sorry for it but happy I told her. She kind of felt a vindication in some respect because we know of his extra marital action pre-my wife, and this latest straw was yet another one. She just feels like one in a long line he used.

I kept my mouth shut because all the others he had mean zero to me. Living with a woman who was "used" by another dude is rough.


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MSS, I do a lot of reading along and not a lot of posting. If I may just briefly contribute:

MSS, it's not coddling. It's working on recovery - not by punishment, not by resentment, not by feeding memory tracks in your mind of all things affair-related. It's recovery by mutual respect and care without the spectre of the affair invited into the mix. This is necessary for ANY type of recovery, personal or marital.

Victims of infidelity do not ask for this. IMVHO, however, I haven't found a better way through such a horrible situation than MB. MB is not about punishment, resentment, or dwelling on the affair.


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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
I kept my mouth shut because all the others he had mean zero to me. Living with a woman who was "used" by another dude is rough.
MSS: You need to be in love with your wife. If you were, thoughts like those wouldn't be in your head. Are you getting 15+ hours of quality UA time with her each week?


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Quote:
PS. I told her last night.
And how did that help you in your recovery?

Quote:
She kind of felt a vindication in some respect because we know of his extra marital action pre-my wife,
Vindicated, how? She was his PARTNER IN CRIME. How was she "vindicated"? So WHAT if he had a second secret life that didn't include your wife? So WHAT if he was screwing around on his wife before YOUR wife decided to jump in?

I'm not seeing where this disclosure to your WW was healthy in ANY way. Please explain to me how this was beneficial to your recovery. OM should be relegated to a place that is lower than the gum on your shoe. WHY would you bring his name up at ALL?


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Quote:
PS. I told her last night.
And how did that help you in your recovery?

Quote:
She kind of felt a vindication in some respect because we know of his extra marital action pre-my wife,
Vindicated, how? She was his PARTNER IN CRIME. How was she "vindicated"? So WHAT if he had a second secret life that didn't include your wife? So WHAT if he was screwing around on his wife before YOUR wife decided to jump in?

I'm not seeing where this disclosure to your WW was healthy in ANY way. Please explain to me how this was beneficial to your recovery. OM should be relegated to a place that is lower than the gum on your shoe. WHY would you bring his name up at ALL?



It doesn't help in recovery. It hurts in little ways. Sets you back. Took me 3 years to realize I had to quit doing stuff like looking up OM or his wife on FB or wherever, keeping tabs on them, etc... The truth is, keeping tabs at all... well.. It hinders **YOU**... It never lets you move forward and heal.

--Off topic--

Wow.. has it really been that long since I've been back on the site? just.. wow...

CV


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Howdy, CV!! Good to see you! hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hey Mel! Good to see you too! :-)


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Originally Posted By: celticvoyager
Hey Mel! Good to see you too! :-)


Hey cv, long time.

Things here are so-so at best.

I hope things are good over there.

Mike


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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling

Hey cv, long time.

Things here are so-so at best.

I hope things are good over there.

Mike


Hi Mike!

Things are definitely improving over here. I had to sign off the list for a while and get to the real work of finishing the healing from the A. I was letting myself become too distracted and wasn't following my own advice. Quick update: We are working at the same place now. I am a counselor working with at risk teens (and it is amazing how the MB principles apply to pretty much any situation these kids bring in), and Grace is working in the office. My boys are engaged to be married, and my daughter is dating a fabulous young man who we like a lot.

On a more important note... You said things are so-so at best... They can be better, bro. One thing I have noticed is you keep tabs on OM and his wife. You gotta let em go, man. They will keep you triggered and you won't even realize it. They are neither your business or responsibility at this point. each man is responsible for his own actions and family. I know you all used to be close. Mourn the loss of the relationship and move on. Don't be like me and let distractions keep you from healing and repairing the M.

CV


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Originally Posted By: celticvoyager
Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling

Hey cv, long time.

Things here are so-so at best.

I hope things are good over there.

Mike


Hi Mike!

Things are definitely improving over here. I had to sign off the list for a while and get to the real work of finishing the healing from the A. I was letting myself become too distracted and wasn't following my own advice. Quick update: We are working at the same place now. I am a counselor working with at risk teens (and it is amazing how the MB principles apply to pretty much any situation these kids bring in), and Grace is working in the office. My boys are engaged to be married, and my daughter is dating a fabulous young man who we like a lot.

On a more important note... You said things are so-so at best... They can be better, bro. One thing I have noticed is you keep tabs on OM and his wife. You gotta let em go, man. They will keep you triggered and you won't even realize it. They are neither your business or responsibility at this point. each man is responsible for his own actions and family. I know you all used to be close. Mourn the loss of the relationship and move on. Don't be like me and let distractions keep you from healing and repairing the M.

CV


Glad to hear about your family.

Thanks for the advice.


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Advice to newly BH: you can lie to yourself for only so long.

It's best to be true to yourself early on and act accordingly.

I believe daily visions and nightmares 3+ years later means you've executed your plan poorly. It means you haven't allowed recovery and forgiveness despite it perhaps being begged for.

Can you forgive the crime? Even if you did, will that change anything?

Don't let your remaining time on earth be living in an asterisked marriage. Seek every avenue to turn the corner of being consumed by that which you can't change.

When you do, let me know how you did it.

3+ years is long time.


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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling
When you do, let me know how you did it.
In the 3+ years since my DDay, we have completely recovered. We did it by using MB principles to rebuild our marriage to the point that it is much better than it ever has been before, and we got rid of triggers by moving far away from the site of the affair.


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Thinking of you Mike. Often I hear things on the radio show that apply to your situation. Lots of triggers.

Tough situation. Can't change the stinky past. One way to keep it alive is to dwell on it.

Read here recently that dreams sometimes mean the brain is healing and reordering.

The people here care about you. At some point you gotta drink some Koolaid enough to get you the energy to walk out of Hell.

Try calling the radio show. I Think that Dr. H will help you regroup and make a renewed plan.

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Mike, I saw you post on a thread. How are things going for you? Do you have an update?

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Thanks for asking.

The purist will stay I failed at the MB program.

And I agree. I was unwilling to forgive. My resentment never seemed to dim. As I have said back in the day, without ever reading a word of the Dr.'s advice, my wife was following course of recovery impeccably. I just tended to relive the bad old days all the time and it sent me into a tailspin of depression and anxiety. Really didn't matter the effort she was making. There was nothing she could do to help me overcome the facts of her affair. Being pathetic is just not an excuse Im willing accept.

Despite the best advice given here, I kept things together so to maintain my kids' happiness. I always felt I could hide my problems from them. I could not.

We decided to divorce in 2015. I have never been happier.


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Thanks for the update Mike, I have wondered how your situation turned out.

You had a lot of memories and triggers to overcome. I dont know if you did everything perfect or not. But the fact is that any BS at any time has the option of walking away and nobody will fault them for it. That is not a failure. Recovery is hard, even if you are doing it perfectly, and you have the right to decide if it is not worth the effort.

I am happy to hear you are happy in your new life.

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