I'm new here and I'm not sure if I am welcome because I have not only been betrayed, but I also cheated on my husband. Only, he doesn't know that I did it.

We started to drift apart a few years ago. An old boyfriend, "Joe," contacted me on facebook and we started talking. It was only texts, never over the phone, but the conversation became romantic, then sexual, then we started sharing very inappropriate photos with each other. I didn't love Joe. I just enjoyed the attention he gave me, the thrill of the forbidden, the idea that anyone still found me to be attractive or sexy. Joe is also married. When his wife was pregnant, he asked me to meet him in person and put our talk into action. The guilt was overwhelming. I considered it for a day or two, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't hurt my husband or Joe's wife that way. I told him it was over and deleted him from my email, cell phone, and facebook. I blocked his numbers and asked him to never contact me again. We both needed to focus on our marriages. I did not tell my husband.

Fast forward one year- I found a cell phone bill that showed my husband talking to an old girlfriend. It had not been for a long period of time, but long enough to make me assume that he was doing the same thing I had done. It hurt me so bad and I confronted him. He has since ended the conversations with her and we are trying to work through it.

Now, I am overwhelmed with guilt again. I think he should know what I did, even tho that has been over for a long time. I asked him what he would do if he found out that I had been involved with an old boyfriend the same way he was involved with his old fling. He said that as long as there was no sex involved, he wouldn't want to know about it - unless it was "Joe." My husband said that if he found out that I had been speaking with Joe, he would leave immediately with no intention to ever return. He said he thinks that Joe is very skilled at manipulation and could probably convince me to have a sexual affair.

What do I do? I know that if I tell my husband about Joe, he will leave. But I also want him to know that I understand what he is going through with his situation. He should know that I screwed up, too, shouldn't he? But it's OVER with Joe. I couldn't contact him if I wanted to because I deleted everything. Does my husband need to know? Should I lie about WHO and give him the rest so that he can have SOME disclosure? I don't want to lie. I wouldn't want him to lie to me. I'm so torn. I don't want my husband to leave. I love him.

Any advice out there?

Hi Monica,

You must tell your husband the truth. I understand that you fear his leaving you, but your fear does not trump his right to know the truth about his life. It is cruel and unfair to rob your husband of choice -- it is not your right to choose for him. Do you understand this? I'm not trying to be trite, but your husband is not your pet -- he is an adult human being who deserves to be given all the facts and the freedom to choose as he wishes based on those facts. Surely you would want the same courtesy extended to you, yes?

I would suggest offering to take a polygraph so that your husband feels secure that he does have the full truth from you.

Mrs. W

Hi Monica;

Yes, you must tell him the full truth. I think you already know this. He has a right to know. And to make his own decision about his future.

I understand that you fear doing this. But do not let the fear stop you. You will never have a happy marriage while you hold this secret.

And, you really don't know how he will react. I always thought I would not stay if my husband ever cheated on me. Once it happened, and I found out about it, I felt differently. I decided I wanted to be sure I had tried absolutely everything to make my marriage work before I shut the door on it. This was really for my own peace of mind, as I never wanted to wonder , "what if I had just tried that ONE MORE thing?"

So even though your husband has SAID he would leave if he found out you cheated on him with "Joe", you don't really know what he will do, or how he will feel.

And, both of you have the right to make your own choice about your futures. But you can NOT do that unless you are both truthful with each other.

Monica,

On a sub-conscious level your WHs emotional affair was triggered by your emotional affair, you need to come clean and tell your BH everything. Chances are he will forgive you but will not forgive you if you have even the slightest trace of dishonesty about your story.

You need to try and find your emails and photos and send them to Joes betrayed wife too. It's part of your just compensation for your BH.

God Bless
Gamma

Hi Monica, welcome to Marriage Builders. Of course you should tell him the truth. This is information about his own life that he has a right to know. IT doesn't matter if the affair is over, he still has a right to know. It is his right to leave if that is his choice and it is manipulative and cruel to deny him the right to make that choice.

No, people are responsible for their own affairs. Dr. Harley is always very careful to point this out.