You could make good money that way. Blogging about dating that is.

...glad for the qualifier, ha!

Hm...thinking about it. But that means I'd have to keep dating...

I had the same experience, ak. I was on CM for about a month and nothing turned up. I had some dates, but there just weren't as many people participating...when I got on Match I noticed some of the same men there, so I switched.

It would be very Carrie Bradshaw of you

The thing about online dating is that it puts more emphasis on the physical attraction - it doesn't matter how funny/witty/perfect someone's profile is if you don't find him/her attractive enough from the photos. Which is really too bad because some people aren't photogenic, or they chose unflattering photos.

So the person who might best be able to meet your ENs may never get the chance to even meet you in person.

I never met anyone I wanted to date from it, but Meetup was really a great way to meet other single men (and women, in similar situations). There were a lot of people I met through Meetup who met their significant others through Meetup. I personally already have a busy social life so I wasn't able to attend as many events as others were. It was great to see so many who were friends first.

AK - Have you ever tried Meetup?

No way! That's disgusting, no wonder you are taking a break!



I don't doubt there are a lot of needy men out there. Many dudes think the primary role of a relationship is for them to get taken care of.

I'm not one of those dudes, but it doesn't mean that there are a lot of eligible ladies out there, at least where I live.

I'm sure there are 'flocks' of ladies that would be thrilled to have their needs met, but so far I haven't found one that I'm interested in.

I have been studying Harley's thoughts on emotional needs for quite a while now, and have read his books. I agree with his policies and understand how they build compatibility. I'm sold.

To that end, when I am on a date I'm trying to figure out what her top emotional need is. You can't do that without asking thoughtful questions and listening. After that I try to confirm my theory with more questions, all the while making fun and light conversation.

After the date I start thinking about how meeting that need will change my life, and if that is a change that I would like to make, as well as how she met my needs.

The issue I bring up is that going to Christian Mingle or Match and searching for women that are within 5 years of me, have children, actually wrote a profile, aren't covered in tattoos and piercings, aren't overweight (physical attractiveness is one of my ENs), have a similar world view, have a picture, and are within 50 miles yields less than 5 results.

Anyway, since we are all sharing here let me describe two women I took on a date:

Jane (no, not her real name): She is very pretty, but covered in tattoos. She dressed to cover them all up because she didn't like them and wish she didn't do that to her body when she was younger. Her emotional need was honesty and family. She wants a dude to be the husband and father, adore her and the kids, and be honest with her about what he is feeling. I also got the impression that affection was high on her list. She went to church every week and was committed to doing right, and seemed to be morally and spiritually sound. So far so good, I like those things (except the tattoos), but the problem was that her ex-husband kept texting during our date as if he owned her, and she couldn't put her phone down. She didn't have any boundaries with this guy and was genuinely scared of him.

On the second date she voiced her frustration with this so I simply asked for her phone and put it in my pocket. I got the impression that she liked that, but I also knew that she wasn't strong enough to deal with him on her own.

Two weeks later she called and said they were going to try and reconcile so I wished her well and haven't heard much since.

Kim: She was much prettier than her profile and very down to earth. She seemed to have very good boundaries with her ex and she was a good conversationalist. I couldn't read her as well, but I'm pretty sure she was after family, conversation, and admiration. We talked for a few weeks and saw each other a few times, but in the end we just weren't that compatible.

I wasn't very comfortable with how her marriage ended (no affair or leaving), she just wasn't getting her needs met. I know that is a legitimate reason for divorce and I respect what she went though, but as someone that really tries to follow the Bible as best I can, I struggled with that because I read the Bible to say that infidelity and abandonment are the only biblical grounds for divorce. She had also been out of church a long while and wanted to find one to attend, but I got the impression that it was in response to some of the questions I asked.

She also had a thing with animals which is great, but I was getting the impression that she wanted to have more than I would be comfortable with.

We both agreed that we weren't a very good fit so we aren't dating anymore, but I do talk to her occasionally as we are friends.

I wonder if I should start talking to women that don't have kids. That would certainly open up the dating pool a bit, but I wonder how that would work out. Far and wide I think women either want children or don't. If she doesn't want children then I wonder how she would get along with mine (though they will be gone in 5 years), and if she does, I can't give her anymore without getting unfixed, and that's a gamble.

Well, that's a long enough post this time. I'll keep looking. I'm sure the one is out there somewhere.

ak

JustMe,

You make a very good point. The second girl wasn't very photogenic (actually I'm not so much either, but I'm learning), and I found her to be much better looking in person.

I see in your message that you are 35 and don't have any children. That makes you well qualified to answer my question. If you don't mind I would really appreciate your thoughts on kids.

Would you date a dude that already had kids? Would you want to try and start having your own? What if he was fixed?

If you don't feel comfortable answering them, no worries, just super curious.

ak

Within an hour of putting my profile on Match I was contacted by someone with an incredibly interesting background and with a sense of humour that was uncannily like mine. We sent each other very entertaining emails for a week or two because both of us were travelling before we finally met.

Within a minute of meeting, to my horror, I realised that I had found my XH's double. I suppose it makes sense that the same kind of man would be attracted to me but I so did not need another lunatic in my life.

After that I used Match much more pro-actively. I never responded again to contacts from other people but used the advanced search and careful reading of profiles to find my own matches. That worked.

If I may, how did you know he was his double? Did you see warning flags you remember seeing with your XH?

Maybe he is the secret evil twin, separated at birth

It's true, I've heard that Alaska is lighter on women. Back in "the day" we had mail-order brides to solve this problem!

I wonder...you said within 5 years: would you be willing to go a little broader on the age range? I'm not sure if you mean "5 years up and 5 years down" or just 2.5+ and 2.5-. My better prospects have been up to 14 years older than me, or 5 years younger (as a woman, it's harder for me to date younger men). Just a thought...

Also, have you searched outside of your parameters, just to see what's out there? Perhaps she expresses her worldview a bit more subtly, or is a year younger or something, but otherwise would make a decent prospect for you. Again, just brainstorming...

Heh, mail order, from Russia? Where do I sign up?

Seriously though, I don't really care where she comes from, as long as she meets my needs and is willing to let me meet hers, and is happy with how I do it.

So yea, +- 5 years. I'm 36 now and have been using 29-41 as my range. I don't think I would be interested in any younger than that, as 28 puts her at 15 when my oldest was born, and there is too much generation gap.

Personally I don't have any problem with dating older women as they tend to have more life experience and know what they want.

I'll do more looking this weekend, and report back.

Thanks for the thoughts!

ak

I never saw the warning flags with my XH because I am from the UK and a very different culture. We met through work. Mine was the first generation to have serious jobs/choose our own spouses.

But boy did I see the flags this time! MB may not have been able to save my marriage but it helped save me from another disaster. I have always found myself attracted to alpha males; complex, intellectual people because I find understanding them very engaging. Now I see them as flawed relationship material. Those things that drive them to be successful also require them to have no regard for anyone else.

Yes and they had to separate or else one would have murdered the other.

OK, hope you find lots!

I did a search for women in Nome Alaska...there was only one woman, bless her. I really hope you don't live in Nome.

No, I live were most other people in Alaska live. I couldn't handle Nome. I'll leave you to figure out where that is since I really don't want Google indexing this information, and because you're a very smart lady and certainly won't struggle to figure it out.

Well then, your odds increase a bit! Whew.

Were you able to find anyone interesting over the weekend, ak?

A good clip on dating with children.
Radio Clip on Dating With Children

I don't mind answering that at all.

Yes, I would absolutely date a man that had kids. My personal view on children is that I don't feel my life would be incomplete without a child of my own, but if I were to remarry and my husband and I decided together to have children, I would be all for it. As the daughter of a single mother I would have loved it if she remarried and so I would never count out a man with kids. I don't really think it's practical at my age to say I only want to date men without kids anyway.
For me, it's the relationship first and foremost that is important. I'm very much a "if it's meant to be, it'll be" person - if I'm meant to be a mother (or step-mother) - it'll happen.

I do think that I may be in the minority with this attitude. When I ended a 3 yr relationship in January (because he wanted neither marriage, nor children, ever, period, no discussion) many told me don't worry, I can have kids on my own, times have changed, etc. No. That's not why I ended the relationship.

JustMe,

Thanks for the answers to my questions. I didn't figure that you would be opposed to dating a man with kids, I guess I was asking if you would date a man that had kids and couldn't have anymore. That is a little different because you would know up front that you wouldn't ever have your own.

So now another question:

As a woman, how early in the relationship would you want the guy to tell you he can't have anymore? On one hand it's pretty important information, on the other it does on some level indicate that he sees a future with you, which isn't something people are comfortable hearing for a while.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I have been confused about when in the relationship to offer the full disclosure.

One one hand it's important and it makes sense to me to get it out there before we are attached, on the other hand I don't want to meet someone and say, Hello, I'm ak, would you think about having kids?

Perhaps a little back story would be helpful. Someone I know met this girl online and they started talking, a lot. They don't live within day trip driving distance from each other so they have kinda the LD relationship going on, but they really like each other so they have been making weekend trips to visit each other. Well, after they were pretty attached and really liking each other, she drops the bomb. She has a STD.

On one hand he is twitterpated so he is willing to over look it, but on the other hand I don't think he would have if she came out with it much earlier.

Thoughts? Anyone?

thanks,
ak

In that case, yes I would still date a man with kids who could not (or would not) have anymore.

I would want this information as soon as we were at the point where we knew the relationship has potential. Maybe not first date material, but you know when it's time. A woman in her mid-late 30's may very well be thinking that her time is running out if she does want kids, badly.

Actually, now that I think about it, it can totally be first date conversation. You see, I ask a lot of questions. When I'm getting to know someone, and I'm interested in them (romantically or not) I ask a million questions, so I can see my conversation with a date going like this:

"do you have kids?"
"yes, I have 2 kids"
"Do you think you'd want more if you were ever to remarry?"
followed up with:
"Can you see yourself ever getting married again?"

And there, now I know if I want to see him again.