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Chabado Offline OP
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Where to begin. My wife & I have been married for 5 years. 1 month ago I came across her Facebook on the computer & it had some messages that were very inappropriate for what I had thought was a colleauge from work. They do not work together (2 different companies), but their paths cross in our industry from time to time. I confronter her on it & she confessed that she had "made out" while extremely drunk, with this guy for 10 minutes at the last conference. They both stopped & admitted that it was wrong on what they had done. He is married with 2 small children. Nothing else has happened since then & they have only spoke threw emails about work. She said it was a mistake & it shouldn't have happened. I know his wife & many colleauges as we are all in the same industry. I used to work with his wife & would consider her a friend. I have been in contact with her to get this all out in the open & everyone involved is aware of the incident. My wife told me that she see's now that the other guy is "kind of an idiot", but I can't help think that somewhere in her is some feelings for him, or maybe she is still just getting over the depression of what might have been.

After this all happened I needed to understand "why". It is not like her to do something like this. As I researched more & more on infidelity & MB, I came to realize that I had been neglecting her for a very long time.

Since then my wife has told me that she no longer loves me, she feels like she settled when we got married, & she is not sure she wants to continue with this marriage. I do not belive this as 100% true. I think she is just stuck on the negatives as the marriage is not in a great place. We have a 4yr old son & she feels obligated to make this work for his sake. She also feels like she owes it to her family to try for the marriage, but if it were up to her she could take it or leave it. Some days she tells me that she think's it can work & other days she outrite questions if she wants to even try or if it can work.

I am completely committed to fixing this marriage & I have ordered LoveBusters. I have read HNHN 4 times already, & I have been trying to meet her needs of Intimate Conversation & Affection. The conversation is not as hard to deliver, but she rarely let's me touch her in anyway, & if she does (son's watchin),it is very cold. I have not told her about MB or the 15 hours of undivided attention yet. I don't think she would even be interest or care at this point. She has seen me reading the book & I do tell her that we can have an amazing marriage if we make some changes. I tell her that I'm comitted to changing & she can see that I do give her a lot more of my time. It almost makes her feel bad. Not in what she did, but that I'm trying so hard & she isn't, & she doesn't want me to be more hurt if this doesn't work.

I have combed over as much of these post as I can & I see that it is not good to go it alone, especially in the beginning when the hurt feelings still linger & I don't know how to deal with my emotions. Is there anyone out there who can help me? What should/shouldn't I be doing? I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to, but I might also be so close to the situation that I can't see the forest from the trees. Any guidance, help, encouragement would be great. Thx!

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Hi Chabado, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You are in the right place to turn this around if you follow this program.

The first thing I would suggest is to throw HNHN under the bed for now. That book is for marriages that have not experienced affairs, which is why you are here [wrongly] blaming yourself for the affair. The book you should be reading is Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair, which is written to people who HAVE experienced an affair.

The reason your wife had the affair is because she has poor boundaries around men. That will be addressed in the book, SAA. And see, if she doesn't address and change these issues that led to her affair, this will happen again. So I would order that book as a first order of business.

Did you inform the OM's wife of the affair? Has your wife cut off ALL contact with the OM?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Chabado
I tell her that I'm comitted to changing & she can see that I do give her a lot more of my time. It almost makes her feel bad. Not in what she did, but that I'm trying so hard & she isn't,

I can Sooo relate to that.

What i didn't know in my sitch, was that no matter how many positive things i did and how great i Plan A'd, was that the theory that her LoveBank was completely closed off to any potential Deposits from ME, because she was still in contact with her 1st Affair Partner.

If i could go back in time 4 years, i would have definitely done a widespread exposure and request for assistance in reconciling our Family.

I feel you need to instantaneously expose to ALL pertinent parties who may have even the slightest influence over your W and the POSOM's influential contacts.

Are you willing to take this strong of a stand for your marriage?

Fear of anger from your WW can delay action that has the best chance of working ASAP.

You can not improve your situation while her Affair Partner has ANY means of contact with your W.

LTL

Last edited by LearnedTooLate; 10/28/13 06:04 PM.
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Welcome to MB, Chabado. Your WW's affair is with a co-worker. Have you exposed the affair to their superiors?

Please understand: she can no longer work in this industry if you want your marriage to be saved. Have you exposed the affair to their superiors?



D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Read Surviving an Affair
Listen to the veterans here
You need to expose, AFTER you get more intelligence. You are being lied to.

The i dont love you line, and rewriting of history is classic FOG babble of an on-going affair

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Chabado,

The affair is still on. That is why she is cold to you. Expose the affair high and wide, and destroy the affair. Only if you do that can your marriage recover.

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Chabado Offline OP
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Thank you, I have ordered the book. I did inform the OM's wife, & we are in contact about what the other spouse is doing, & has scheduled. She has told me that she has cut off all communication with him. He is no long on FB, nor does he call her or email her. I have the phones, & interet bugged. The only contact is the one or two emails relating to work since this happened. She has told me that she will avoid him at all costs, & she has. I have been informed by the OM's wife that he is not to contact my wife ever, & to his credit he has stuck to it. He has been noticable absent from other events that he would normally be at that either I or my wife would also be attending. I am going to ask the OM's wife if she told him he needs to get a new job.

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Chabado Offline OP
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I think I have exposed it to all of the people who need to know, her boss, her brother, my son is too young to know (4yrs old), some her closest co-workers. Also keep in mind that they do not work for teh same company, & would only cross paths 1-2 a month. So I think it can be avoided.

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Originally Posted by Chabado
The only contact is the one or two emails relating to work since this happened.

So they are still in contact? You do understand that this means the affair is still active? This is like the recovering alcoholic changing the names of his drinks to "business drinks" and continuing to drink. Recovery will be impossible if they have ANY contact. Every time she sees, emails, speaks to him she will be put back to day 1 of recovery and her feelings for him will be triggered.

She should end all contact - not just SOME - contact, even if she has to find another occupation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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she could have a secret phone, do you have a voice activated recorder to put in her car
you have not indicated if you exposed to any of her family, your family, clergy, anyone else that has influence - this must be done to bring about the pressure and the exposure of the dirty secret

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Chabado Offline OP
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I don't have a voice activator, but I do have full access to call history, both in/out on her car & GPS which are both a secret & can't be deleted. I have told her brother & she does not want me to tell her sister because it would devistate their fragile relationship, especially because she is still ok with working on the marriage.

Last edited by Chabado; 10/29/13 03:47 PM.
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Be on high alert,
You said she is still ok with working on the marriage, what does that mean,
you need to be clear on the path to recovery, it is full transparency, it is extraordinary precautions, it is just compensation, etc.
I would demand a lie detector, they always admit to one level less than what they do, in other words she said she made out with him, translated from fog babble = i slept with him
do you have full access to her work computer, work phone?
I will say it again, she could have a secret phone, this happens all the time.
Recorder in the car will tell you right away, as the affair partners seem to always communicate in the car, it is a secure spot afterall.

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Originally Posted by Chabado
I don't have a voice activator, but I do have full access to call history, both in/out on her car & GPS which are both a secret & can't be deleted. I have told her brother & she does not want me to tell her sister because it would devistate their fragile relationship, especially because she is still ok with working on the marriage.
Horse puckey. She's ok on snowing you. Chabado, she CAN'T have contact with OM. It's that easy. I don't care if they only meet 1-2 times a month. That's 1-2 times a month more than they should meet. It only takes a meeting of eyes across the room to start the affair back up.

She needs to leave that job. If it is an industry-related job where they could meet at a trade show, etc, she needs to leave that industry.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Still ok on working on the marriage = still ok as long as you keep rolling over and not doing anything about the affair.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.

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