Apologizes for the length of this post, but wasn�t sure how much background was needed�

My WW came to me and said she wanted a divorce around the end of June. Because she was so distant with me, changes in her attitude and refused to be transparent any longer (and she had an EA a couple years ago), I had suspected something was going on for a couple months. I did a bit of snooping in July and found out she was spending time with the OM but didn�t come up with anything concrete (she has gotten good at covering her tracks). I did share what had found out with the OMW and at first she was receptive to work with me but apparently the OM was able to make her believe I was delusional and she stopped communicating with me.

Because I had got caught snooping a few times I felt I was pushing her further away (and even began to believe maybe I was wrong about the OM) and got to the point where I didn�t really care because she wanted a divorce anyway. I started the divorce process but hadn�t been able to pull the trigger because I guess I really didn�t want a divorce and also because she is unemployed and looking for a job so she couldn�t really move out (or pay our current mortgage) anyway. So we�ve been living under the same roof this whole time and we have two boys (ages 3 & 6). Our 10 year anniversary will be this Friday (Nov 1st).

A couple weeks ago we decided to try to work things out. Because I knew there was no chance restoring the marriage with a third party involved, I decided to restart my investigating efforts and caught her kissing the OM in the parking lot on Friday. I confronted them and at first she tried to say that was the only time they kissed, but over the weekend she confessed they had been having a PA since May 8 (nearly 2 months before she told me she wanted a divorce). By the way, she meet the OM at her crossfit gym. At the time they meet I was not doing crossfit (but had been wanting to) but I started at a different location a couple months ago.

At first she was receptive of trying to restore our marriage and stopping contact with the OM, but she says she is in love with the OM and can�t make up her mind. I told her to stop communicating with him and that I needed to know what her decision was by the end of the weekend. Sunday night I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she wanted one more day so I gave her till then end of the day Monday.

Right after I caught them kissing on the parking lot on Friday (D-Day), I texted and called the OMW and left her a voice mail letting her know. She hadn�t gotten back with me and my WW told me the OM was able to convince her it was only a peck on the cheek goodbye and I was delusional. So during the day Monday, I sent her a lengthy email letting her know my WW confessed, I had undeniable proof of the affair and for her to please call me. She emailed me a polite reply saying her and the OM are �working through our issues� and hope that my WW and I can work through ours. She also said the OM will stop going to crossfit. She then continued to say that she has contacted an attorney because she feels I am harassing her and to not communicate with her any longer.

When I got home from work Monday my WW was upset I had emailed the OMW letting her know she confessed the PA (she obviously had been in contact with the OM). She continued to say she �never wanted to get back together with me�. Because my WW was refusing to make any effort to restore our marriage I told her mother about the PA yesterday (and told my WW I told her). My WW became furious (she has a violent temper) and proceeded to punch me in the face and then threw my computer across the room.

If my WW was truly repentant and willing to do what�s necessary to recover our marriage I would be willing to stay together, but at this point I think I just want to move forward with the divorce. Not sure if I should expose any further due to her violent temper and how I would go about doing �Plan B� (or even if I should) with her not having a job and anywhere to go. I don�t want to move out because I feel that I would just be providing a place for her to stay and still fulfilling her financial needs but with me out of the picture. Please help.

Hi CT,

Men are advised to Plan A for six months (Plan A is a negotiation for her to get on board with recovery, to be honest and transparent as well as lifetime No Contact with OM).

It sounds like you've done that already. You've been negotiating with her and it is time to go into Plan B.

An additional twist is her violence and anger problems. Dr Harley would normally recommend a years separation for this aspect alone. He would expect her to complete anger management and prove that she is safe during her year out.

This cannot be glossed over. Anyone this angry is insane during an AO. There is nothing stopping her from picking up a knife and killing you.

I would go into a dark Plan B. Dont worry about who will support her. You've spent months offering her a faithful marriage in which she would get financial support and she has declined your offer. It's now up to her to find a place to live on her own and a way of supporting herself. I would kick her out, and I would also inform the police of her assault upon you.

This will protect you from counter claims and it may even get her the help she needs in the form of court ordered anger management.

In the meantime I would make sure you either have witnesses or a recordable device on you at all times when you deal with her. It is very common for WWs to make fake accusations of violence and she is certainly a likely candidate.

I'm not saying you cannot recover the marriage but safety is a paramount concern. She cannot be allowed to harm you again. Make sure you also get really good legal advice.

The link in my signature explains Plan B.

Remember - protect any shared finances, protect yourself from false claims and protect your safety!!!

Why on earth would YOU move out? You are the only sane parent your children have.

It always puzzles me why men feel obliged to leave the home. I just changed the locks and sent my husband's things to his relative's house with my Plan B letter.


He didnt have anywhere to go either. That was Not. My. Problem.

Yeah, I agree. It would be best for her to move out, but I guess I just don't know how to go about doing that. After she hit me, I did have the wherewithal to go back to her and say "I think you may have broken my jaw." She replied "I don't care." I recorded this. I also plan on getting an x-ray done tomorrow.

Do you think that would be enough to get an emergency protective order (EPO) or a restraining order?

Otherwise, I just think if I leave all of her stuff on the driveway and change the locks, she'll just break a window or something to get back in the house when I'm not home. Without any legal way to keep her out I just don't think it will work.

Look into a restraining order ASAP. Hitting you is unacceptable. File a report and get her removed from the home. I would expose this everywhere as soon as you have her out of the house. She sounds like a spoiled, VIOLENT fool. Protect yourself and the kids and let her feel the weight of her choices.

Let her go be in love with scumbag OM. Hopefully she'll come to her senses but hitting you is totally unacceptable here and going forward.

Captain, I would report her to the police, have her arrested and file a restraining order. That is exactly what Dr Harley would recommend you do. That will keep her out of the house.

So sorry this has happened to you.

Unless you actually spoke to (not texted or emailed) the OMW this last time, you cannot discount the possibility the POS OM may have intercepted your correspondence and pretended to be the OMW. I speak from experience, and I got the same " we'll get a lawyer" spiel...good luck Cap.

That's why she hit you. To give this impression that she won't stop at anything.

We've seen this approach many times before and far from being unstoppable, she's simply an idiot.

Each and every time she does something destructive or violent call the cops and document it. How do you think a court would view this behaviour? They'd back you all the way. She is burning the bridge she stands on, so let her.

My guess would be however that an arrest and RO would be enough to pinch this coward's bravado in the bud.

I wouldn't delay with reporting her assault and getting legal advice. I think she is preparing to claim first.

(indie -- that was OMW that threatened harassment -- not captains wife.)

Captain -- Don't own problems that don't belong to you.
When your wife started this affair she took the risk of being kicked out of her home. Its a reasonable expectation. And she was willing to take that risk. So now its come to pass -- kick her out. Where she goes or what she does IS.NOT.YOUR.PROBLEM.

Act first. Wives are notorious for false domestic violence claims to get the men kicked out of their own home. Its important that you act first.

This might be what it takes for her to come to her senses.
Or it might be the start of a divorce.

What you can't do is allow her to remain abusive, living at home, and flaunting her affair in your face.

Oh I see, my mistake - I still think WW is a likely candidate for false claims though....

You do have recording tools on you for protection, Captain?

I dont think that was necessarily OMW either - it sounds like the exact words of a wayward.

An ordinary person doesn't describe one point of contact with helpful information as 'harassment'

Document and VAR. She is getting angry cause your ruining her fun, and she is bullying you physically to do it. Keep your cool and follow the advice. Have a friend take pictures of any bruising or scratches she gives you. Set your boundaries with actions not words.

My WW and I have been in Plan A for a few months but she has recently told me she no longer wants to be transparent (let me see her texts, emails, etc.). I know she has at least seen and talked to the OM recently and lied to me about it so I believe this is the main reason Plan A has derailed.

I think it may be time for Plan B. My WW is unemployed so she is completely relying on me for financial support. I have asked her to move out, but she is unwilling (mainly because she doesn't have any way to pay for a place to stay and doesn't want to stay with a friend or her family).

Since I don't think there is any way I can force her to move out, I was thinking I would move out and stay with a friend for a while. My plan would be to continue to pay for the mortgage on the house (since the mortgage is only in my name and I don't want to screw up my credit) but that's pretty much it. I was going to stop paying for all the utilities, gas, groceries, etc. The other tricky part, is that we have two boys (ages 3 & 7).

If I stopped paying for everything, she would not be able to provide for our boys. I was thinking of telling her that if she can't provide for the boys, I would have my parents keep them since I cannot have them stay with me at my friends place. My parents live two hours away and if I had our kids stay with them, they would have to be transferred to a different school. By the way, I cannot really afford to continue to pay for the mortgage on our house, an apartment for me and our boys and childcare while I'm at work, so that's why I would move in with a friend and have my parents keep my kids.

My question is what is the legal ramifications of this? I know if we get a divorce I would have to pay child support, but until then, can she legally force me to pay for anything if I move out? Also, I have a feeling that if I did this, she would start selling stuff around the house for money and possibly even get a roommate. Can she sell possessions that are "ours"? Can she get a roommate if I technically own the house? The point of this is to take away her financial support, so if I'm still paying the mortgage and she has a roommate to help out with the rest, it would almost be a "win-win" for her since she'd still be getting her financial needs meet and I would be out of the picture.

Please help!

I would contact a lawyer who specializes in fathers rights and have him help you find solutions. Did you ever turn your wife in for assaulting you? That would surely help you get primary custody.

Also, have you been exposing her continued contact with the OM to the OM's wife?

Please do leave your kids with your WW and move out.

You should continue to, post on one thread so others can see all the previous details.

Did you Ever report the Battery charges to the police with your x-rays and recorded conversation that she admitted punching you in the jaw?

Please click Notify to request the moderators to merge your two threads.

LTL

I posted on your original thread to bump it up to the top.

Your description of how you intend to attempt to coerce and starve your W out financially seems to reak of passive aggressiveness, where a firm stand would be more honest and successful.

If your WW is continuing her A, then seek legal advice on how to separate her from your home.

Unless you owned the property prior to being married, then the marital residence may be legally considered joint marital property.

Did you follow through with filing charges with the police regarding her Domestic Violence attack on you last fall?

LTL

Let me correct that:
Please do not leave your kids with your WW if you move out.

Note: LTL has bumped your original tread.

MelodyLane,

I did consult my attorney and a sheriff about the assault a couple days after it happened. They both said for me to get an epo/eco, I would have really had to call the police right after it happened, otherwise the judge would likely not deem me to be in immediate harm. I may be able to use that to get full custody if we get divorced, but honestly I would rather have 50/50 if get to that point.

As far as the OMW, I've tried contacting her, but she sent me an email back just saying to leave her alone. I believe the OM has convinced her that I'm psycho and just making all this up. I just sent her an email telling her that her husband is having an affair with my wife and I have evidence and for her to call me. The only hard evidence I have is an audio recording of my wife confessing to the affair. I was just going to play that to his wife if she called me back. Maybe I should just email the audio file to her?

I have not consulted my attorney about moving out, but I plan to soon.

Thanks,
Captain T.

BlairBluefin,

Yeah, but the problem there is she would not let me take the kids. Should I just take them when she's not home? I really hate to transfer them to a different school unless that's my only option.

Thanks,
Captain T