30 years ago I married the man of my dreams. A young bride of 20 with a 24 year old H. He was in the Navy and we were living overseas. Less than 6 months into our marriage a friend told me that my new H enjoyed the sex industry in foreign countries. My heart was broken. Shortly afterwards I snooped and read letters to an old girlfriend he was writing and never even mentioned he was now married. I tried to confront but was severely scolded for snooping. During this time he became a huge fan of pornography. Even at 20 there was no way I could even compare to those sexy women. I thought when we got back to the states we could have a new beginning. The pornography continued as well as visits to strip clubs and rumors of antics at bachelor parties. Please don�t ask me why I didn�t confront as I don�t have an answer. Our first child arrives during this time. We end up back overseas and I think things are good between us until I find out that H is sleeping with a co worker while I�m pregnant. Even having her to our house while I�m in the hospital after the birth of our 2nd child. It was one big humiliating scandal which he denied but I knew it was true. The pornography continues. We move back to the states, start a business together. Another chance for a new start�.. About 10 years ago I found myself attracted to another man. I allowed this man to stay in my life for a very LTA. A huge mistake which I truly regret. During this time H starts to visit massage parlors for the full enchilada as well as visiting prostitutes, 8-10 admittedly. Even ordering Viagra from India. The porn continues�.

H discovers the LTA, all contact is stopped, we discover MB and enter into counseling because of my affair. It took 2 sessions before H realized maybe this sexual contact with 25 or more other women and chronic porn use may have hurt me too over the years and told the counselor about it. The Viagra was thrown out, the porn collection pitched too. We�ve both been tested for STD�s and have been making remarkable progress since Nov. 2011. We spend lots of time together and get along nicely. All kind of EP�s are in place.

Last night we had a set back because of sex and I can�t explain it. I love cuddling and the closeness of it but when it comes to the sex act I completely freeze up. This is extremely important to him it�s almost scary. He tells me he loves me and is happy but if we don�t have sex he tells me he doesn�t think things can work out and he�s unhappy. It�s a total LB for each of us. I�ve messed up so badly and I want to fix it before I force him to seek sex elsewhere or he leaves me. Has anyone out there experienced this?

DeepWounds,

Have you been reading on this site?

You have not one problem, but two since both affairs are wrong, and cheating by one spouse does not make the other spouses affair right.

Has there been exposure of your and his affair partners?

You both need to get STD testing.

Perhaps you can write out a time line so others can see how this marriage progressed to where it is now.

God Bless
Gamma

DW, go and read Marko's posts on this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2654211&#Post2654211

Are you achieving at least 15 hours per week of undivided attention time? Typically women need 2 things to desire sex: an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. It takes AT LEAST 15 hours per week to feel an emotional attachment to your husband.

Read through Markos' posts on that thread and come back and give me your thoughts. I will leave you with this Harley quote:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html

Deep Wounds,

Welcome to MB. It has great information about how to recover a marriage and it appears as though you and your husband have much to work on for you both to feel safe in your marriage.

Have you read the books, "Surviving an Affair" and His Needs, Her Needs"? They are a good place to start.

Most women feel comfortable having sex with their husband only when they are emotionally connected. To achieve this, Dr. Harley recommends (insists) on at least 15 hours of undivided attention each week (more if your marriage is having problems) meeting the critical emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Are you and your H spending UA time?

Has your husband finally given up the porn? Do you have EPs that cover this, i.e. limited access to internet, or however he was accessing the porn?

AM

I always type so much slower than Mel.

Ya gotta get up pretty early to outtype da Texan!!

Yeah, I know.

I am also multitasking, watching the olympics and talking to DS18 about his dislike of his braces, at the same time.

AM

Shaddup, Prisca!

Texan?

SF is my #1 EN and yes it IS that important. I think if everything else was going great but that one need wasn't met, it would be enough for me to seek a D.

But, it concerns me that you feel if you do not quickly work through this problem you will 'force him to seek sex elsewhere.' You are responsible for 50% of an M that paved the way for A's, and 100% responsible for your OWN A, but you are NOT, in any way shape or form, 'responsible' for HIS A's. Your inability to have sex with him right now is not 'forcing' him to get it somewhere else, that is a choice that he is in control of, not you. It is, however, not meeting one of his most important EN's and does need to be worked out.

Whether he is getting that need met or not does not excuse his behavior. Many people do not get that need met and still do not have A's.

You said 'last night' is this the only time this has happened, or this is a regular occurrence?

Is it possible you are freezing up due to the anxiety that if you don't perform, he will cheat again?

Have you counseled with the Harleys, would you be able to do this to discuss this topic?

I have been reading on this site and H has written in a few times a while back. We've both have been thankful for MB. We've been through the exposure,STD testing and EP's. Everything is progressing fine except my meeting the frequency and intensity of H sexual needs.

H doesn't have sexual performance issues I guess I'm the one with the performance issues. He's always wanted me to look and act like a porn star which just isn't going to happen-it's just not me.

We get lots of UA time. We work together, commute together and have lunch daily. Weekends are also spent together. I love spending time with him but I'm more comfortable cuddling and being close than I am in the sex act.

We have read the books and apply the MB principles daily. I do believe he has given up on porn and I monitor his cell and computer. I don't feel the need to watch like I did months ago so maybe I'm starting to feel safe.

I'm coming back to MB because I'm still having trouble with intimacy and not sure how to approach the subject with DH. We've been working so hard on our marriage but I know he has to be so disappointed that I'm not the sexual machine he wants me to be. Do you folks believe in sexual aversion or do you feel if the marriage is fine then the sex should be, too? I think I've had sexual aversion for a very long time dating back to the early days of our marriage. After discovering he was paying for sex overseas and was a chronic porn watcher I remember feeling so disgusted and that sex became something dirty and unnatural. After D-day and hearing more about his prostitutes, massage parlors and affairs it became even dirtier to me. I think we made a big mistake in making me agree to sex 3-4 times a week because it's pushing me away when it's intended to bring us together. In retrospect, I should have given myself time to feel safe with him again. I'm practically starting to have panic attacks when it's expected of me to perform. We spend a lot of time together and most of what he wants to talk about is when we can have sex again. How can I feel so comfortable cuddling but so fearful of sex? If I approach the subject he's going to get very mad and bring up my past affair. This is all so depressing....I need some serious help!

I was just reading one of Dr. Harley's Q&A columns where he said that if sex is painful, don't do it. If you are experiencing anxiety about it, that qualifies as a type of pain. Sounds like you feel you have to do it to keep him around. Aint gonna work. You have to FEEL like it, and he is primarily responsible to make you feel like it.

Were the affairs properly addressed last year?

Is he still off porn?

Yes, the affairs were properly addressed and we've been following MB. I do believe he is off porn but he did admit he watched a sex tape we made together back in the 80's while I was out of town this weekend. Not sure how I feel about that

There is a big issue that hasn't been addressed yet, and that is your 10-year affair. That must have had a huge effect on your emotions and your marriage.

Who was this man - a neighbour? Colleague? Ex boyfriend? How did you two meet without your H knowing anything? Was he married? Was the affair ever exposed to his wife and your employers, if appropriate? Did you move away fro the neighbourhood? Has all contact stopped, and if so, how did you achieve this? Is there any possibility of contact further down the road?

What is your H's posting name?

What were you doing "out of town" without him? Was this an emergency trip and if so, why couldn't he go with you?

If you've been following MB and reading the Harley books, you must know that nights apart are out of the question after an affair. How can you know what your H was doing when you were away, and how can he know that you were not meeting up with OM?

My affair has been addressed and it is over. There has been no contact and there won't be any further contact. He lives in the next town, if he's still in town. The majority of the affair was phone conversations so once D-day came around it was not that difficult. There was a physical part but not as much as you would think after so long. Felt more confident having someone to talk to. It was all wrong and I'm truly regretful.I'm sure my affair had an effect on my emotions and marriage at the time, how could it not? Now, after my affair, it has the lingering effect of shame and humiliation.

I went out of town to spend some time with childhood friends. I missed my girlfriends. We posted pictures on FB of our adventure so hopefully there was no doubt where I was. H has had to go out of town on occasion and stays in contact with me. There's been other occasions in dealing with the kids where we had to spend the night apart but for the most part we've been together each night. UA time is plentiful since we commute and work together. Most of my affair conversations took place getting to and from work.