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As a lawyer, it always amuses when a WS says "I'm" filling out paperwork for a divorce. It is not that simple....you just don't answer fill in the blank questions, hand it in at some window and, presto chango, you've filed for divorce. Even the be your own lawyer kits are involved than that and are not really usable if you have children and/or a house and/or other assets. More often than not, the WS saying "I'm filling out paperwork" is meant as a threat to stop you from whatever it is you're doing because it's causing problems for the affair.
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You have people posting to you that have had a WS that after exposure:
I was coming back to the marriage but not I'm will divorce you.
You are unstable.
Still deny their affair and ignore the evidence.
Rage in anger at their BS in an attempt to scare them from taking further action to interfere with the affair.
Tell the BS that they have ruined everything between them now.
Those same people stuck to their guns and were able to save their marriage. You know nothing about how to fight affairs. These people coming to your aid have enough knowledge to right not one but several books.
You are in the battle for your life. It is hard to be at the frontline alone. Though you have many of the best Generals at MB Headquarters supporting you. You are not fighting this alone.
Listen to them. They are paying it forward.
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Dh is in the process of filling out divorce papers, and me talking to friends and family is further proof to him that I'm unstable. Two separate people advised him not to go home at all tonight. Any more brilliant ideas? Who are these people? Did you expose the affair to them? If you did and they are still singing this song they are enabling his affair. You need to follow the advice given. This battle is hard fought and sitting around being scared to act makes you look weak. As a man I can tell a weak minded woman is very unattractive. By following the advice given you do one of many things: 1. You set a boundary of what you will put up with in a marriage. 2. You empower yourself and become more attractive to your WH in the long run. 3. You feel better, mentally and physically. 4. You see and understand what you did to contribute to the state of your marriage. Not his affair mind you that was his choice. But you identify what you did to make your marriage unpleasant. 5. You don't get cheated or feel cheated if you actually do divorce. Face it miss, divorce may or may not happen but guess what. If you continue in this pussyfooting on following the advice given to you. You will be married and miserable and wishing for divorce yourself. Because you will fall out of love with your WH. Even if this affair another might happen because you sat there weak and timid. What's that saying people only do what you allow them to get away with... My only regret is that I didn't get inboard with this advice sooner. If I had my WW might still be here. Please I implore you to read other people's threads and you will see how the plots play out the same line by line. The cookie cutter approach of MB works only of you follow it to the letter. Have your read surviving the affair? You should order it, its a quick read and better than any counselor I had. Good luck! P.S. Don't look at exposure as a bad thing or revenge. You are telling your side of the story. Just the facts!
Last edited by TranquilDark; 11/01/13 08:30 AM.
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Dh is in the process of filling out divorce papers, and me talking to friends and family is further proof to him that I'm unstable. Two separate people advised him not to go home at all tonight. Any more brilliant ideas? Honestly, it is impossible to help you when you appear once a day with little blurbs about your WH's bullying tactics which are all textbook.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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You have people posting to you that have had a WS that after exposure:
I was coming back to the marriage but not I'm will divorce you.
You are unstable.
Still deny their affair and ignore the evidence.
Rage in anger at their BS in an attempt to scare them from taking further action to interfere with the affair.
Tell the BS that they have ruined everything between them now.
Those same people stuck to their guns and were able to save their marriage. You know nothing about how to fight affairs. These people coming to your aid have enough knowledge to right not one but several books.
You are in the battle for your life. It is hard to be at the frontline alone. Though you have many of the best Generals at MB Headquarters supporting you. You are not fighting this alone.
Listen to them. They are paying it forward. Very.Well.Said. I can't even cut out any part of this quote for brevity. It is all Spot.On.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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Any more brilliant ideas? Stop seeing us as the bad guy here and stick around and learn how to take control of your own life.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is cripplingIt is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.
Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear
Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".
There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.
MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security
You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one..
Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.
If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.
Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.
Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.
Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.
Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.
And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Yes, the people apparently on his side are the ones I went to myself. One of them is a higher up at his work, but no, not HR. He says he isn't talking to her anymore, or rather, she refuses to talk to him. He would definitely still talk to her if he could. I don't want to kick him out if the affair is over, and I don't know how to prove it either way. Even if he was fired, that wouldn't be a guarantee he would stop talking to her.
Yes, he is using fear. I haven't apologized for exposing, said I should have done it before, but I'm having a hard time disengaging emotionally.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Yes, the people apparently on his side are the ones I went to myself. One of them is a higher up at his work, but no, not HR. He says he isn't talking to her anymore, or rather, she refuses to talk to him. He would definitely still talk to her if he could. I don't want to kick him out if the affair is over, and I don't know how to prove it either way. Even if he was fired, that wouldn't be a guarantee he would stop talking to her. Your husband is still carrying on his affair at work because of your enabling. Oddly, you are taking the word of a practiced liar about the state of the affair. I cannot imagine why, but I predict you will have to find out the hard way. All he did was gaslight you into getting off his back so he can carry on his affair in peace at work. The OW thanks you and the affair thanks you. Let us know when you get serious about saving your marriage instead of protecting the affair. Even if he was fired, that wouldn't be a guarantee he would stop talking to her. I will give you a guarantee. I guarantee your marriage will NEVER recover as long as they work together. It will never happen. Recovery is impossible. That job you are protecting will destroy your marriage. Since you want a guarantee, there you go. I just want to remind you that your best thinking has led your marriage to this terrible place. You do not know how to save a marriage. You are rejecting advice from people who have saved their marriages. If you want that, let us know. But we cannot force you to take the advice and stop enabling your husbands affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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BBS, protect his wage packet if you want to.
Don't rock the boat if you don't want to.
Find out the hard way if that's what you want.
If you think he won't talk to her any more, well I guess you are really keen for him to keep this job and telling yourself all sorts of fairy tales.
We are here if you change your mind about taking the advice.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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You can't listen to what HE says. He says 'all my friends say you're crazy!' It might be one friend at best!! You don't know what they're saying or thinking unless you make contact yourself.
One of the many problems with standing back and being passive is that you're giving him a chance to spin the story to everyone who'll listen. Here's what spin sounds like: 'my wife is mean/evil/depressed.' "we were already separated when i met skank.' 'we've been planning a divorce for a long time now.' 'she's crazy and abusive and won't let me go!'
Your complacency gives him ample time to spin this. My guess is that a lot of people who got the exposure are grossed out but he's not going to tell you this. He wants to turn this back on you and make you feel like the crazy one. Don't let him.
Also, how do you know the skank will go to HR and WHO CARES? If he's the one telling you all this, assume it's all made up. Because it is. He's out there right now, assuring her a divorce is in the works and making her feel sorry for him because he's married to a crazy lady.
They all say and do this stuff. You have to unhook from him and not listen to his babble or it will psyche you out. Be a surgeon here. You are cutting a cancer out of your life and hopefully your marriage.
The clock is ticking and you have the ability to take decisive action here. GET TO IT!!
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I had an EA. I was the wayward in my sitch and the way I perceived my BH during my affair was nuts. All I saw were flaws and they were all grossly exaggerated and I told anyone who would listen. Even then, most of my friends were like "what are you talking about? He's a great guy!"
The fog is thick. It's total distortion and a re-writing of history. The wayward has to demonize their spouse in order to justify the cruel behavior. It's like an illness and the sooner you can snap him out of it, the better.
EXPOSURE IS THE KEY TO WAKING THE WAYWARD UP BECAUSE THEY SUDDENLY SEE THROUGH EVERYONE ELSE'S EYES HOW DISGUSTING THEIR BEHAVIOR IS.
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