Because you haven't written the Plan B letter (if you did and I missed it forgive me), you aren't totally dark in Plan B (you should not contact him for any reason (use an IM) and he should not be able to contact you) and you are still sitting around, crying, waiting for him to come back.

I don't mean to sound harsh here. I was doing the same thing as you and have been for a VERY long time. I was in denial and once I finally woke up, got out of my fog and did what was best for me, I started feeling a WHOLE lot better.

I am not sitting around, crying, etc. Have actually gotten very strong. Don't assume that which you don't know. You, too, are quite new to this.

Its really unfortunate how relatives will enable self destructive behaviors.
I experienced the same silence when exposing my wifes affair to her relatives.
However, her family had a culture of adultery.

Dr Harley has said that such family cultures do exist, where adultery is just common and expected

You are right, I am new to this too. I apologize if I offended you.

Was a Plan B letter done? If not post it here so the vets can edit it and give you some direction.

Back on July 12 I wrote to him, "What I want, and what you are forcing me to do are two entirely different things. It is not fair to either of us, or our family, to not enter into counseling to see if we have something worth saving. The energy and costs, both emotional and financial, to tear this marriage apart are far greater than what it would require to build it up. Having said that, your lawyer should have..."

On July 30th, in response to him wanting to come to the house to bbq for the kids, I wrote, "WH, you seek to destroy our marriage and family due to your irresponsible and selfish ways. You've hurt the boys and me as no one has ever hurt us, so I do not wish to have you inside of my home, grilling or otherwise."

Had I known at the time, I should have given a map of how to get back, but to do so now, when I'm in Plan B, does it make sense? Does it make sense to do a formal letter when I've been dark? I'm afraid I would appear to just keep yo-yo-ing if I do this now.... advise from vets?

I was able to do this! YAY! 3 out of the 4 have read so far. 2 have responded. Their world is about to get stirred up!

WH sent me an email today saying, "Have you and (lawyer) reviewed the items (WH lawyer) sent to you? It has been over three weeks now and there has been no reply. We need to continue moving this forward- what is the hold up?

Answer? No answer? Do the Plan B formal letter now? HELP!

I emailed my attorney, but haven't heard anything back from her yet. She was supposed to let me know when she received an offer of settlement, but I haven't heard a thing.

IWS, please tell me how to do this. I sent messages that went to outboxes and I don't know how to get them to go to their inboxes.

What were the responses like?

I actually figured out how to do it and DID! More fallout to come tomorrow no doubt.

Bump...

Do oyu have an intermediary lined up? I would get an appropriate IM lined up who will agree to ONLY pass on pertinent information about finances and visitation in her words. Nothing else gets through. She would be a spam filter. Do you have someone in mind who will do this?

In the meantime, I would work on your Plan B letter and post it here for feedback. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? You will also need to find a way to block your husband from getting through to you. That means email, phone calls, entrance to your home, etc. For example, you should either block his email or cancel your email account so he can't get any emails to you. You should block his # on your phone and change the locks.

Would really like to correspond with someone on the forum who is a veteran at the Plan B letter. Please private message me, if you will. Thank you!

They do not allow Private Messaging on this forum IWS.

If you have someone in mind, you could possibly hit the "Notify" button to contact a moderator and see if they will forward your request.

It may be better to start off following the templates in the other forum section, start your own version and then post it here for more than 1 point of view in tweaking it to the most suitable end result.

LTL

ok. thanks! can you remind me where the templates can be found?

Did you get the book Surviving an Affair? Here is the letter in that book, but you do need to get the book:

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other mater, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

More information on How To Properly Go Into Plan B.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

LTL

Am curious... for those on the forum who have gone through with divorce, do Judges typically see through all the crap? WH is so in the fog that I think he is starting to believe himself. S14 and S17 would be able to shed light on what our home life was like prior to WH exiting the scene, but I hate to pull them into this, especially if we end up going to court.