Was married 25 yrs. WH left me a year ago for a barfly OW. Hes commenting to others hes misses his family...hearts not with OW but its a sure thing. Now hes coming by house knowing we are not there during day but to tell neighbors blah blah blah.

Is it childish to write him a note to say stay away?

Would you prefer to reconcile your marriage if there were a possibility?

Your initial post does not offer much background information.

Did you attempt to follow the MB Program when you discovered his A, (Affair)?

Did you have an opportunity to do a Plan A towards your H, (Husband)?

Are you familiar with the MB Basic Concepts?

Did YOU ever Expose the A to whomever could have had influence on your H?

Have you given your H a Plan B Letter?

You MUST read "Surviving An Affair" to understand what your best courses of actions should be.

Also, if you decide to write a letter, don't bother sending it to her. It just gives her too much control over you and your emotions. Burn it.

LTL

I filed for divorce 5 days after I found out. Have no desire to reconcile.
Just wondering if a short note is childish.

Is he just driving by the house? Not stopping and coming in or hanging around?

I think a note at this point is probably pointless. The best thing to do for your emotional health and wellbeing is to stay completely out of contact with him.

Do your neighbors and friends know the reason for your divorce? Have they been supportive of your own personal recovery?

Neighbors have been incredible. No he actually stops and knocks or stands at the living room window talking to the dogs...

That's pretty creepy. If it's upsetting to you, can you look into getting a restraining order to keep him from stalking you? It sounds like he's stalking you. It would give me the creeps to have a xWH show up like that at my home.

NO its not creepy...not a restraining order kind of situation. I just want him to stay away as its too hard on my daughter...

Hi, Hannah,

You are seeing a situation Dr. Harley says is typical with people having an affair. He is having what is called a "double approach avoidance conflict." Basically from a distance his affair partner looks wonderful, but when he gets up close to her he sees her negatives and they outweigh her positives and he starts thinking he'd like to be with you. Then when he's with you he feels the exact opposite.

If a spouse in an affair is allowed to continue to go back and forth, he will eventually drive his wife nuts! And in your case it's having an obvious negative effect on your daughter as well. This is why Dr. Harley recommends that wives whose husbands are having an affair go into what he calls Plan B, which is to completely separate and have no contact with him at all. Continued contact with the wayward spouse can eventually have serious consequences for a wife's emotional and even physical health (problems as serious as post traumatic stress disorder and compromised immune systems).

Of course a simple note is not something he will honor. (If he honored your wishes, he wouldn't have an affair!) So you have to take it upon yourself to enforce no contact to protect yourself and your daughter. That might include a restraining order, a change of address, phone number, email address and other contact methods, using an intermediary to transfer your daughter back and forth for visitation, etc. The point is that since unfortunately you can't control him, you have to take on the responsibility of protecting yourself and your daughter.

It's probably going to take more than a note.

It's not childish at all. Continued contact with a wayward spouse is usually pretty devastating! For the betrayed spouse as well as for children.

The thing you have to realize is, he probably won't honor a note. You will probably need legal protection. You should see a lawyer to see what can be done.

When people go to a house where they are not welcome, that is exactly the kind of situation restraining orders were made for.

Daughter is 24. He lives with OW. Daughter wont accept her so he he has basically chosen OW over her which saddens daughter.

He says his relationship is good...Not where his heart is but it beats having to come back to the unknown as to my reactions and lack of sex due to his drinking...blah blah blah...



Thank you for your comments.

If your daughter is 24 - she needs to take steps to protect herself from him.

I have had nearly no contact with my wayward mother for the last couple of decades. It is a great way to live! Every time I do have some small contact with her, it triggers unpleasant memories. I focus on creating a happy present and future from myself and eliminate her as a reminder of a very unpleasant past.