It takes a brief moment to cross boundaries into an affair.

A marriage can be wrecked in a moment on one single day.

Though you are not convinced she is having an affair.........every single sign is there for us to read from your posts. Assume she is having one even if you can not find evidence at the moment. Assume it. Prepare for it and read up on the basic concepts above and this link

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

Guess what? If, by some chance she is not having an affair afterall......reading and following the advice in that link will do no harm. It will get you on the track to improving your situation, affair or not.

You need to stop leaving town.
Your job creates an environment that makes affairs possible.

Why did you do that?
Everyone here has recommended against marriage counseling.
Don't believe us, listen to Dr Harley. He is a national expert.
Marriage counseling is ineffective during an affair.

I suggest you:
1. Take a leave of absence from your job
2. Do not leave your home
3. Respond with this message: "I am willing to work wirh you to create a loving marriage where both of our needs are met"
4. Snoop and get evidence of this affair, background check on OM, begin preparing for exposure

Dome,

Sorry you're in this spot. Your wife is deep in the fog of her affair. The lady you married doesn't exist right now, and she is going to be cruel to you, so please brace yourself for that. Make no mistake about it, she is having an affair, and though there is no evidence, I would bet it has gotten physical already. I'm sorry.

You must first collect evidence. As others have suggested, try and put spyware on her phone and computer, and get a VAR for the house and her car. Once you have the evidence expose it to her friends and family and the other man's. We will help you with exposure after you get the evidence. But know that exposing her affair is the most powerful weapon you have in ending the affair, and ending the affair is the ONLY shot you have at recovering your marriage if that is your goal.

In the meantime, read Surviving an Affair and the links on this site about infidelity. Dr. Harley will help you through this very difficult period.

Once again, I'm sorry you're going through this. But I'm glad you are here. Follow Dr. Harley's advice and the advice of those on this forum. They will not steer you wrong.

I booked marriage counseling because I thought it might give me some time to work out what is going on. It came as a surprise she wants me to leave today. I have convinced her I need to stay to do work on the home computer and said I will leave tomorrow.

I cant just leave my job and stay home. I recently applied for a promotion and got it, unfortunately that requires me to spend the 2 weeks away. I have always worked 9 to 5 in the past. I am not giving up this opportunity on a hunch that my wife is having an affair.

Like I have said I've been checking her FB, email and phone for any evidence. I have found contact between her and the OM but it hasn't been that regular or nothing has really suggested she is having an affair. I am hesitant of putting spyware on her phone as if I am wrong or she finds out and I have no evidence then I will be kissing my marriage goodbye.

I don't know how I can convince her to let me stay she is guilting me by saying it would be messing the kids around as we live close to school here. Plus she will lose her [censored] at me if I tell her I am staying which would push her further away.

If she is having a physical affair I doubt I could ever forgive her.

My kids are the same age as hers. It is completely absurd that a woman with a 1 and 3 year old would spend time meeting another man for drinks in a platonic manner, she hardly has time to sit down in peace at the end of the night and take a bath alone, let alone midnight. That takes some serious effort and not something to be done with just "some guy".

I suspect her sister knows far more about this than you think and she is likely some sort of liason. I'm sorry, you can cancel that marriage counseling and it's time to dig deep for further investigation/PI. I know you say these things aren't a possibility but you don't have a choice.

She is looking to move. She IS leaving. And she is looking to replace you. Are you okay with another man being daddy to your children? This is what wayward wives do. Be on guard and pull out the big guns.

You are unwilling to give up a promotion at the cost of saving your family?

GET YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER. Your wife IS cheating on you sir, you are being blind to it. This is NOT a "hunch". It is absolutely absurd to think that a woman with two babies and a child at home is out drinking with men till midnight "just because".

You will never kill her affair if you put your job/promotion/money ahead of your marriage and family. Do you remember your vows?

I am not a WW, do you know what my #1 favourite thing about my husband is?

He has the kind of career where most men put their wives/families second (police officer). He does NOT. He puts me and our children first. We come before overtime (never), promotions with travel (never), and is home for dinner every night. THAT sir, is one of the driving forces that keeps me in love with him. A protector of his wife and family who puts us first. Money and career status doesn't matter when you are happy at home.

You need to become that, or you will lose your family.

You raise some good points.
However I cant just go to my boss and say, sorry I can't go away for the week because I think my wife is having an affair. This is the first time I have ever had to work away and it is only for training, so it wont be an ongoing thing.
When she went out for drinks on the initial meeting she was alone with him for a couple of hours before they met up with her sister and other friends.
I also feel like you are being judgemental of my circumstances. I have always put my family first and have always worked 9 to 5 (as a teacher) so I am home for dinner and to help out etc.

I am unable to hire a PI and she is kicking me out tomorrow. So I wont beable to check her phone. I still have access to her FB and email but this hasnt uncovered anything. Any contact would most likely be through her phone.

I dont really see what other options I have. If I stay at my mums house with the kids I may beable to leave them there whilst I go out, if I think she is up to no good.

Is there a way I may beable to approach her to get her to confess to it?
Now that I will be staying out of the home, what approach should I take in regards to contact with her?

How is she kicking you out? Did she file for divorce and get exclusive use of the marital home by a judge?

She's telling you to jump and you are saying "how high"... I hope one of the knowledgable male posters comes here soon and helps you quickly. She is telling you to leave so that she can replace you with this new guy.

You're going ot have to step up and be the man here. This is YOUR home and YOUR children, and if she doesn't like it, SHE can leave.

I am not being judgemental Sir, you have just told me that you are unwilling to give up a promotion in light of the obvious fact (this is not a hunch!) that your wife is trying to remove you from the home and is having drinks with another man. You can't fix this without being there.
YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR AND IS LOOKING TO REPLACE YOU WITH ANOTHER MAN. THAT MEANS ANOTHER MAN RAISING YOUR CHILDREN. If you are willing to abandon the marital home (yes, YOU leaving voluntarily is abandoning your children at the marital home) then YOU will see your children a few times a month on a weekend for the next 17 years.

You MUST step up now.

Domedelay, I came to MB with issues about UA time. No affairs. I'm not a betrayed spouse and I've never cheated. I'm not biased in this - and it's very obvious to me. I'm sure you don't wish to believe it but you are really heading into danger here, and ignoring it makes it so much worse.

She most likely has a secret FB account and email. You're right, she's using the phone. Do you have access to her phone records? There's no guarantee there though, if she isn't texting or calling you won't find anything. If you can, do a reverse lookup of every number.

Can you put a keylogger on the computer before you leave? You can check the results online or have them emailed to you. She may not use the computer now much, but with you out of the house (very bad idea), it would be likely that she would use it more.

That said, You must stay in the house. On what grounds are you being "kicked out"? Have you read up on plan A? That's your other (and best) option.

I'm no lawyer, but I though if you left the house, she can file for D citing "abandonment". It's slimy, but that's a WW for you.

She doesn't use the computer only her phone. I am sure that if there is any contact it is through text or phone calls from her mobile. I don't have access to her phone records.

So if I refuse to leave, how should I go about it?
I know she will blow up if I tell her I am not leaving. And in the case that there is no affair and she really is just pissed at me for whatever reasons, I would be blowing my chances.

I think I am starting to understand this situation a little better. It struck me as really strange that your wife would be so open about starting this affair. Most BSs have to be bloodhounds to find the trail. Your wife leaves trail markers for you. Now, you mention a recent promotion, and make comments to the effect that the promotion is of great importance to you, and that there are also conditions under which you will give up on your wife.

In good marriages, both marriage partners set the interest of their spouses first. Nothing else is more important than their spouse. So, what does your wife think of this promotion? Is she in enthusiastic agreement, or is there some expectation that she should just be a good wife and support you? Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? The story of Sue and John starts out just this way, with John getting too involved in his job and neglecting Sue.

What do I think you should do? First of all, no separation. The two of you need to stay together to work this out. You need to convince your wife that she is the most important thing in your life. If she is not in enthusiastic agreement with anything you are doing, then don't do it. You need to be fully in on this without reservation. You need to demonstrate actions that prove to your wife the true depth of your love for her. Like it or not, that is what you have been doing. You have shown your wife that your job is more important, and that you will go to only a limited effort to save your marriage. You need to change your tactics. It is time to go big or go home.

The promotion will not mean any more working hours or any ongoing work that is out of town (only the training). She encouraged me to go for the position when I was debating about applying. And she seemed happy that I was going to do it.
She has been mostly honest about her contact with him, since the beginning.

At the moment I dont think she cares weather I am trying to save our marriage. She said to me tonight that she doesnt even know why I continue to try with her, when she is telling me she doesnt know if she loves me. I feel like she wants me to just give up and break it off with her so she doesnt have to. Plus she is reading some book called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which is really rough.

First off, leaving is the second biggest mistake betrayed spouses make, men in particular. Do not leave your house.

The first biggest mistake is not exposing.

Your wife is in an affair, and that is NOT a hunch. She is showing all the classic symptoms. And others here will say the same thing. And you are enabling the affair by refusing to investigate at a deeper level and leaving your home.

She may have a secret phone that she is using. The fact that she has met with the OM makes me believe that the affair has gone physical. I'm not sure why you have let her meet him. There is one sure way to find out: have your wife take a polygraph. If she has nothing to hide, she will take it. That is one way you can find out if it is physical. However, first things first. Snoop more. Put on the spyware or hire a PI.

Once you collect the evidence, you have to work assertively on killing the affair. And that means exposing it. We will help you with that.

But get out of denial. Your wife has shut down because she has found someone else to meet her needs. And as her husband, you have to stand up for your marriage and take the OM out of the equation. If you don't, your marriage is over.

Do not leave the home.

She can not kick you out. She can scream at you and try to bully you to leave but you do not go.

You don't get angry in response to her demands or tantrums (she is desperate to get you out to make her affair, excuse me, to make her 'not convinced she is having an affair') easier to implement.

Do not leave.

Don't make excuses like fixing the computer to stay..

Just say "I am staying here. I am not leaving my house or my family."

Repeat as needed and walk away from any tantrums she is having.

Your job.......well........tell your boss that there is a family crisis and you can not leave town.

There IS a CRISIS.

(your wife is trying to get you out of the family home for 'whatever' reason)

REREAD my POST as NEEDED to understand the deal.

You are clouded by your past teamwork in your marriage.

Your wife in no longer on YOUR team.

Do not leave your home and children.

And, by the way, if she gets so frustrated that you won't leave that she leaves, let her, but, do not allow her to take the kids with her. They stay at home with you. You will need to consider childcare if they do but they must stay with you so you can protect them from potential upheavel of various kinds.

She is in withdrawal. When she complains at you, she is in conflict. You want to move her from the state of withdrawal, through the state of conflict, to the state of intimacy. Her complaints are good, so you need to draw them out and address them. You need to demonstrate through actions that you are going to fight to keep her.

Please read this thread on why men should NOT leave their home: Men, Do Not Leave Your Home

Make sure you are not love busting at all.

If you want a shot at saving your marriage, you really need to go to your boss and tell him you are experiencing a family crisis and that you desperately need to be home.

No one here is being disrespectful or judgmental to you. We have been in your situation and have come out the other side by following the advice of Dr. Harley. These aren't just our opinions we are spouting. Dr. Harley is an expert on the subject of infidelity and has been a marriage coach for 40 years.

Spending nights apart at any time is detrimental to marriage, but traveling at this time, while your marriage is in crisis, is going to be very destructive to your marriage.

You may think you need this promotion, but think how much you are risking in taking it. You stand to lose your marriage and primary custody of your children, unless you can prove that your wife is unfit. Isn't it worthwhile to consider declining the promotion in light of this?

Has your wife ever made complaints about you in the past? What have her complaints been?

Stay in your home. Don't give her a reason; you hardly need to explain why you want to stay in your own home with your family. Just say sweetly, "Honey, I want to stay home with you and our children. I'm not leaving."

You really need to ramp up your snooping so can find the evidence you are going to need to expose. You can't expose until you have evidence that would convince a jury. And as long as your wife has the cloak of secrecy, the affair can continue unabated.

If you want to save your marriage, you will need to put in the effort explained in your thread.

Do you care about your wife? Then please save her from what she is about to do to herself and to your children.

In another post you said that OM is an old friend. It sounds like he lives close. How do you know they have not met up more times?

We have a saying here: Believe only what you can personally verify. Make decisions based on FACTS.