My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We've been to several counselors, before I discovered Dr. Harley in the last few months. A few weekends ago we did his online seminar after reading LB and HNHN. It was a real eye opener for us both, plus a little overwhelming. We've been following his program and advice since then and it seems to be helping. We having UA for 15 hours, I would like more, since she's the reluctant spouse, this all she wants. The problem is she is living in a boarding(that's what I call it) and has no telephone service there, so I can't talk to her other times. I would like her to be back home, where we could spend more time together working on this program. She says her living circumstance is not open for negotiation and she knows now I would not have been in euthusiastic agreement after reading Dr. Harley. How can I get her to spend more than one night a week here? I feel her starting her own life there, while I muddle away, awaiting her return. She's been on her own for nine weeks. Thanks for your replies.

There is a lot of information missing from your story. Why are you separated? Your wife appears to be in withdrawal. This could be due to love busters, or maybe there is someone else in her life? Could you fill us in better?

Also, remember that every moment you spend together does not count as UA time. Only that time spent meeting each other's ENs does.

Zel, I don't really understand your story. Why are you separated? Do you have any children?

I'll do my best answer you both. I didn't want to have my story drag on, so I kept it short at first. Our marriage has been going down hill for a few years. I could feel her pulling away from me, with less affection, plus not wanting to do things together like we had in the past. She tells me I'm a great guy and do everything right, except she doesn't feel a romantic connection with me. She kind of thinks of me like a brother. I asked my wife recently if she was having an affair and she says, no. One point is we live in a very small town and I would know if it were otherwise. We work together, she felt we spent too much time together. I had been in sales for years, but semi-retired to travel less. Perhaps, my being away a few days each week, plus getting home at 7 pm at night, gave her the space she needed. She says she no longer feels romantically connected to me, after trying several counselors, she wanted to do a trial separation. I said yes, because I love my wife and wish to stay married to her, this would at least buy me time to try something new. I saw an article in the WSJ about a couple that did a trial separation and were happily back together after three months. Regarding the 15 hours, I understand all the time doesn't count, but this is all my wife is willing to give me at this point. We were together today and listened to the affection cd from the HNHN program. She sees the benefit and logic of Dr. Harley's program as do I. We both understand where we have gone wrong after listening to Dr. Harley's seminar, but now we have to work our way through the programs to re-bond. I hope this gives you a little clearer picture. We have no children by the way.

How about love busters? Do you have angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements? Has you wife ever said "I love you, but I'm not in love with you?

. She tells me I'm a great guy and do everything right, except she doesn't feel a romantic connection with me. She kind of thinks of me like a brother.

That should cover the ILYBINILWY part...

ZEL, when a woman wants to separate it is almost always due to an affair. We can't help you unless you uncover the truth. I am very sorry to you tell you that there is very likely an affair going on here. The fact that you travel is another huge indicator, because traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs. You set the stage and acted the play. "Trial separations" don't help marriages, they just increase the odds that you will get divorced. Because obviously you can't fix the marriage if you are not there. A marriage does not magically self repair when you leave. It is like when your car breaks down. Will it become repaired if you drive to Cleveland and leave it in the garage? Or will it get fixed if you go in the garage and fix it? Do you see how irrational it is to believe that a "separation" will help your marriage? It only makes sense if there is abuse or if a spouse wants the freedom to carry on an affair.

My advice to you is to NOT ask your wife anymore if she is having an affair, but become a super sleuth and get the goods. Hire a PI if you can. If not, I would suggest putting a GPS on her car, a VAR in your bedroom, spyware on her phone ad a keylogger on her computer. The latter suggestions will be very hard if you have moved out so I would advise hiring a PI. They can usually get the goods in a couple of days.

Get the goods and then come back here and we help you with next steps.

When a spouse is having an affair, they cite a whole laundry list of grievances against their spouse going back YEARS to justify their actions and KEEP YOU OFF BALANCE. The only way she can justify kicking you out is to characterize you as satan incarnate. And sure, you were probably not the perfect husband, but don't allow her exaggerations and rewriting of history to distract you from unearthing her affair. Ok, Satan?

here

Where does she live?

To answer your questions yes on the angry outbursts, but not often and not recently. The outbursts were more out of frustration, not from anger as I feel no hate for my wife. Disrepectful judgements I would say no. My wife has never said she's not in love with me, but has said she does not think of me in a romantic way.

I used to travel often, but no longer do. She lives about five miles from here. She claims the space is giving her breathing room. Plus she likes that she is meeting, new people, the part I worry about is that part. I mentioned to her today if she needs to meet new people, we could do some volunteer work together. That would expose her to lots of new people, but we would be together doing it. I talked to her today about spending two nights a week back home with me, which she is agreeing to. Her independent behavior is now a big concern, it's sending off warning bells that I am trying to address. How do I use the MB information to get her to move back here? I feel the longer she's away the harder it will be to reunite. I'm no expert. but that makes sense to me. Thank you for all the kind and thoughtful replies.

Did you read my post?

Yes, I read your post, now I have to decide my next move.