A little over one month ago I moved in with my boyfriend of over one year. We both share the responsibilities equally, we both financially contribute, and we both share a mutual respect for each other.

Here is my issue ... I'm a very very tidy person, and he is not at all. I am always cleaning up behind him, his two children and the dog, and it seems like no matter how much I ask, he simply is not willing to make an effort to meet my need for a tidier space.

I know that my definition of tidy and his are two completely different things, and i'm even willing to compromise. I'm at the point where, i'm actually tossing around the idea of cleaning the house up room by room, and throwing everything that i pick up in the garbage. He agreed to clean up the house before I moved in, and he did; however when I moved in, it's back to single dad/Bachelor pad living....

What can I do except pull all of my hair out at this point?

Suggestions welcome!

It would be easier for us to give you suggestions if you merge your two threads.


Am I reading this right? You moved into his house with him, his children and his dog and now you are demanding that they change their living habits for you?

I see you read Buyers Renters and Freeloaders. Did you read the part where it explains why living together is incredibly destructive because it creates a renter mentality? Can you see that you have fallen into exactly the trap the book warns you about. Moving in with him and his children was the worst thing you could possibly do.

Suggestions from us? Move out asap. Start learning how to negotiate with each other (POJA). You can get there but not this way. This is not fair to you or to his children.

Hi LG,

If you are familiar with MB, you'll know Dr Harley does not recommend living together. While he says it is understandable to want to 'test' the relationship, the test will always fail!

People do not provide life-long permanent care for someone they were not sure enough of to marry. It isn't really fair to subject yourself to that level of casual care. It definitely isn't fair to put kids in the middle of that.

If you don't like him enough to marry him, why are you cleaning up after him!?

Dr Harley says marry the man you want. In your case that would mean marrying a man who is good at meeting the DS need. He is not and that's fine - he does not really owe you anything. He may be better suited to someone less tidy.

If you left and he felt he could not live without you, he might try to change his habits permanently or he may just find it easier to marry someone more compatible.

But this living together situation is not going to work. If you nag him as though he owes you something (when he does not) you are going to create resentment.



A request (as opposed to a demand) means it is ok to say no. If he is saying no, that is his answer and that is OK. Even if he were married, the goal is not to get him to do as he is told.



Most live-in boyfriends and girlfriends are not committed for life. Instead of making life changing, herculean efforts to change habits, they make only short term changes.

That's ok. In fact Dr Harley says daters should not try too hard. They should be themselves. They should only marry when they find a naturally compatible mate.

I know your bf 'said' he would clean up the house, but that was just a short term promise under a renters agreement. He isn't someone who wants to marry you, so it was unreasonable to expect him to change permanently for you.

Changing an entire personality trait for someone you aren't yet sure of is a bit much don't you agree?



I don't think you should compromise. I think you should hold out for what you want.

The 'little' things are actually quite important.

I'm not saying it won't work out with you and this guy, he sounds nice, as do you.

The best approach would be to remove the short term renter's agreement.

In short, move out until you are both more committed. Once you know you want to be together for life (and are willing to actually back that up with actions!) you will both be more able to make extraordinary habit changes and provide extraordinary care for each other.

Dating should be very stress free while you learn how to reach agreements.

My husband and I have very different needs for cleanliness. We have compromised on me doing pretty much all the cleaning (two kids and a dog too!), as long as he does the outside stuff (leaves, whatever). It works well for us, because he just doesn't see the same mess that I do.

That being said...

I read your old thread and I also posted in it.

I think you need to realize that this man has zero interest in being a buyer.

He has moved you in one year after with his children, he isn't interested in compromising standards with you, and if I am reading correctly, you are now compromising your religious beliefs about sex before marriage, something that was important to you.

I'm not sure if you are trying to turn this man into a buyer or not, but compromising everything that is important to you is not going to lead you to happiness.

I actually did those things before I married my husband, and it took us some years of work to reverse that damage - the damage of just agreeing to whatever he wanted. Now we are on the same page, but it was a lot of work.

I guess what I am saying is, stop settling!!!

Move out!! Don't wreck your relationship by shacking up. Don't have sex and don't live with any man who won't marry you.

Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

I laughed as I read this, not to be cynical but because I can relate.
My ex wife was a pack rat and I hated it. Clutter makes for bad living, that's for certain.
He was probably raised like that, I also was raised with clutter and have had to retrain myself to maintain cleanliness and order.

But your struggle is a deeper issue; the question is how committed are you in your relationship?
In the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders Dr Harley explains that the majority of shack-up relationships fail because there is a lack of commitment which is found in marriage.
In marriage, mutual care is shown for each other. The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) says that we should never do anything without enthusiastic agreement from our spouse.

I encourage you to take a step back and ask yourself how you want to spend your life. Do you want to pursue a relationship where there is mutual care and respect, or a relationship of two independent lifestyles that are bedroom lovers and roomates?

Oh, and if you do bag it up room by room (called "forced cleaning"), it will cause massive resentment and love bank withdrawls between you, him and the children (maybe even the dog)

On top of everything said about finding someone compatible, not making demands, and not living together, I would add:

Don't compromise your religious beliefs. Not only is it wrong, having a biblical world view makes you a commodity for those of us who are looking for someone like you.

I think you would be much better off if you hold out for the man that can recognize how unique and special that is.

ak