[b]What stops you from taking action or speaking up?
a bizarre and irrational fear of being seen as demanding, needing, spoiled, unreasonable, controlling, whiny, or entitled. this ONLY presents itself in my relationship w/ my husband. i think, "what if i ask for something/object to something and he gives me what i want but quietly resents it? or worse, what if he makes a big show of how patiently he's indulging me, to the point where i feel like a tyrannical brat-b**** and can't enjoy it? or what if i tell him something's important to me and he's shocked and horrified?" i would rather suck it up.

What benefit(s) do you think you get by avoidance?
maintaining the illusion that i just happen to love everything H loves, that i think like him, that our minds are in accord. writing this down makes me see how foolish this is. i'd never really thought of it in terms of benefits; i guess the only benefit would be a negative: the ABSENCE of disapproval and doubt.

What has conflict avoidance cost you?[/b]
now that my husband knows that i've been basically lying by omission for the last 9 years and essentially denying him the opportunity to make me truly happy, i would say it's cost me his trust; my refusal to disagree freely and resolve conflict in a loving manner undermined our marriage and reduced it to a civil partnership. silent dishonesty erodes closeness, causes each spouse to give up on the other, and in a sheerly pragmatic sense, IT'S NOT SUSTAINABLE.

constant CA started to eat at me--i started keeping a record of wrongs. i convinced myself that i had resorted to CA for my H's benefit, and that i was sacrificing my desires for his, and that i deserved better, and that there was SURELY someone else who would REALLY understand me. the rest is history.

people, please just argue it out like adults. don't indulge in the self-imposed martyrdom of CA. learn to practice radical honesty. you deserve better in your marriage than the absence of open conflict. you deserve HARMONY, INTIMACY, LOVE. don't settle for compromise. don't agree to disagree. don't maintain CA until you get so resentful you do something regrettable.

]
Wow!
Look at you!

hey, Pep! i don't know if you've been on my thread lately--my husband got curious about MB, got on the forum, figured out who i was, and read EEEEEVERYTHING i've ever posted. the relief is tremendous. he's totally seen inside my head, so it's impossible to retreat back into CA--we're moving forward!

Well, I guess you ain't "nameless" any more!

I'll have to read your thread.
Show H this post you made too.
It's awesome!

bump

This was the beginning of the end of my marriage. CA is lying by omission.

Only "fix" for it is RH and then PoJA.

Yup. Wish I would of known that before. If you are reading this and what a happy marriage those two policies will help your marriage to a long way.