(((Writer))). You take care of her for YOU. To honor your own values. Whether she deserves such care or not is irrelevant.

For the practical side of things, keep looking for programs that will help you. My understanding of hospice is that they will only let you in the program once all treatments have stopped. But that could be different in CA, so find out.

You are in an emergency situation that may last a while. Pull out your crock pot, cook double batches of some meals and freeze one. Have a couple of go to quick meals for days like you described when you were unexpectedly late.

That is why I posted it. I felt like a horrible Christian and a horrible person for having these thoughts. But I wasn't. Those feelings are normal. For me, it came down to being able to look myself in the mirror. My responsibility according to the Bible was to honor my father and so I chose to do that by taking care of him. On the other hand, that didn't mean that I gave up my life either, so I moved him out as soon as possible. I drew boundaries like I didn't just show up whenever he asked. I was with him and made doctor appointments when they were convenient to my schedule. I took him to Wal-Mart once a week, so that is when he could get groceries and stuff. ( Sometimes he wasn't up for it, and I went by myself.) Now, obviously I wasn't dealing with the same type diagnosis you were. But just try and do what you can...maybe Tuesdays are a day where you put on your schedule that someone else will take care of her for 4 hours: one of your sons, someone from church, someone the social worker knows, etc. Then you and your husband go out. You are going to have to schedule it yourself and make sure it gets taken care of. I know with this initial diagnosis/treatment you may get last minute appointments, but generally you should get to a place where you can tell the docs, this isn't a good day let's look at Wednesday instead. You won't always be successful, but the more boundaries you can put in place, the better. Just verbalize to you sons and to your friends and to your husband that you are worn out and need help. You don't like being in this place either. You might even tell them that you are mad that you have to do this... That is ok..

You are human. You have a right to feel the way that you do!!!! I will tell you that when she passes, you will also have very mixed emotions. I was lucky. My dad came to Christ and changed and we were able to put some things behind us and develop a new relationship, but the care was still hard when developed bladder cancer and other health issues in addition to rebreaking his leg and having severe COPD. I missed my dad when he passed, but I also felt free of a gigantic weight and so glad to be free of the added responsibilities ( Get myself dressed all the kids dressed, drive to my dad's and get him dressed and get everyone to church..) I felt really guilty to be somewhat relieved.. My pastor must have known that I struggled with guilt about how I could have taken care of him better that maybe I should have done more, but my family needed to come first... He told me at the funeral that I should be proud of the way that I took care of my dad and that I should never second guess myself or feel guilty. I remembered that when I was tempted think I should have done this or that better.

Hang in there. Look for daily manna. God gave the Israelites just what they needed to get through the day and that is what he will give you. Try not to look to far down the road. Handle today. The verse that got me through this time was Zeph 3:17
The Lord, your God, is in your midst,
a warrior who gives victory;
he will rejoice over you with gladness,
he will quiet you with his love;
he will exult over you with singing

I pictured myself climbing up into God's lap and him holding me and quieting me like I quieted my kids when they were hurt. I would cry and he would sing over me. He will give you victory over this situation. Just crawl up into his lap.

Praying for you.

Dear writer1,

have you and your mother considered not doing the radiation and chemotherapy? If your mother is in a situation where there is no realistic chance that she will recover, it would be wise to carefully consider the options.

Radiation and chemotherapy have side effects. It is important to weigh the side effects against the chance that she will benefit from continuing therapy. Most patients take the chemo- and radiotherapy, whereas many doctors do not if they are in the same position.

Although there may be specific reasons to undergo therapy and even paliative surgery, it is important to weigh the benefits against the costs and not only to look at prolonging life, but more at improving quality of life, even if that means living shorter. Those are decisions only your mothercan make, but it is important to make the decisions and speak with the medical team about the possibilities.

God bless
Happyheart

I live in an area where there are lots of elderly people. What I have seen suggests to me that people face their own terminal illness in much the same way that they faced their life. Those who have always approached life with grace and dignity continue to do so as death approaches. I don't think that simply knowing of the approach of one's death validates any behaviors that would have otherwise been wrong. The things that your mother does that were wrong before she knew of the cancer are still wrong now. Your feelings toward your mother's impositions in your life are as valid now as they were before. Her illness doesn't change that. The expectation that you should sacrifice the well being of you marriage for her was wrong before, and is still wrong now. I know people with illnesses as serious as your mom's who are likely to die even sooner, and who would never dream of putting the kind of pressure on their offspring's marriages that you are experiencing because of your mom.

So, what am I suggesting to you? I am saying that your mother's health is not a requirement for you to make extraordinary sacrifices. In points of fact, the situation you are now in is much the same as when Dr. Harley told you that you and your husband need to decide how your mom will be leaving your house. Your first obligation is to your marriage. I suggest aggressively seeking alternative care for you mother. Don't feel guilty about doing that, because you really shouldn't.

The way the doctors explained it to us, the radiation and chemo she will be receiving are meant to improve the quality of her life. Right now, my mother is in a lot of pain. She is taking Percocet every four hours around the clock, and it isn't helping as much as it used to. The radiation especially is meant to help shrink the tumors and ease that pain. The chemo they are primarily using to shrink the tumors in her lungs, since they can't do radiation on those.

My mother just had a porta-cath placed today which the doctor's will use to deliver her chemotherapy. She should be starting treatment any day now. Just waiting for the chemo doctor and the radiologist to coordinate their schedules and get things set up.

If the chemo and radiation don't improve her condition, or she isn't tolerating them well, we may have to reconsider our options. But right now, my mother very much wants the treatments.

I don't see how it's possible for my mother to leave our home at this point. She really has no other family and nowhere to go. It simply isn't possible for her to live on her own anymore. She can walk around the house a little, but she is pretty much bound to a wheelchair when we have to take her anywhere, and the only place she goes anymore is to doctor's appointments. There are no alternative care options available to us at the moment that I am aware of. I don't know if Dr. Harley's advice would change if he knew about my mother's condition.

That's not really how his advice works. If people say their life circumstances make it too hard to follow his advice, (even if that is very, very true) he does not then turn around and say: "OK - it doesn't matter then". What he usually says is that it is a shame because the person's situation is unlikely to get better without action.

If a doctor prescibes medicine, but then people say they cannot afford to pay for it or don't have the time to take it - then they won't get better. Saying you cannot take the medicine won't make the condition go away by itself.

Writer, may I ask something about what plans you have in place for the very worst case scenarios?

If you or your husband were to be injured or killed, or diagnosed with a terminal illness, what would contingency plans are in place for your mother and children?

I'm a big believer in hoping for the best but planning for the worst.

What would happen to your mother if the two of you divorced?

What if you were to become diagnosed with a stress related illness which made you unable to care for your mother?

Those are some other contingency plans you should have in place.

Before you took your mother in, some posters said it was highly likely your mother would get very sick. That's what happens when we get older. Some people said you should anticipate the very worst scenario possible and prepare for that.

I know that when you set out on this journey of trying to help your mother you were a bit overwhelmed and didn't want to think about 'worst case' scenarios. You rather wanted to hope for the best instead.

That was understandable but I think the time for hoping for the best is long gone.

This is because there are still plenty of things that can go wrong in your situation. But I am sure you can prepare, plan and avoid them.

I don't say that to be mean, but rather to ask you what preparations can be made to limit any further problems happening.

Actually, what I was wondering was, would Dr. Harley's advice be different in light of my mother's current health issues? I know he didn't think it was a good idea for my mother to be living with us if she was able-bodied and capable of living on her own. But I don't know if his advice would be different now that she isn't able-bodied and simply cannot live on her own, and probably will never be able to. We didn't know she had cancer or that she was terminally ill when I sent that original letter to the radio show. I may actually send a new letter and update the situation and see what his advice would be in light of these new circumstances.

I know we're not the first family to deal with a seriously ill parent. Most people at some point or another have to deal with a parent in declining health. I don't think it's uncommon for parents to require care as they age and I know many families who have made the choice to provide this care at home. There may be a time when my mother will require more care than we can provide her at home. My H and I have discussed this. We will probably get to the point where we will need help from hospice, or maybe even a nursing home, but from what I've been able to learn, neither of these are options while my mom is undergoing chemo and radiation treatments.

Honestly, I don't have the answers to all of these.

My H has a life insurance policy through his work that would help out if anything were to ever happen to him. I don't have life insurance since I don't work and our family income wouldn't be affected as much if anything happened to me. When we can afford it, I would like to get a policy for myself as well.

As far as divorce goes, that is a choice. We have chosen not to consider this as an option. We aren't going to get divorced, so planning for that isn't necessary.

Right now, I am in good health. I've always taken care of myself. I exercise, eat a healthy diet, don't smoke or drink, and am not overweight. I have no medical issues other than a sluggish thyroid gland, which is treated with one medication a day. I have no reason to believe I will get sick because I take care of myself, something my mother never did.

It's not that I don't think about these things, but I don't obsess over them relentlessly. I believe prevention goes a long way. Most of what is wrong with my mother was completely preventable through lifestyle choices - her obesity, her Type-2 Diabetes, her high blood pressure, even her cancer. If she'd gone in for regular Pap smears, this would have been caught much earlier. When caught early, cervical cancer has a 95% cure rate. If she'd taken better care of herself in the first place, she would have drastically decreased her chances of ever developing cervical cancer in the first place, sine only a small percentage of people with the HPV virus ever develop cervical cancer, and most of them have weakened immune systems due to other medical issues.

Of course, no one can predict the future. But I do think there are things we can do to greatly increase our chances of remaining healthy well into old age. My mother has always served as a cautionary tale for me.

Does you mother have any funds remaining from her inheritance? It would be really great if you could use those funds for respite care each week. That way you could get some UA time with your H, something to look forward to, and a break.

Your mother could be sick for months and months, and meanwhile your marriage will continue to suffer. This situation just sounds so terribly depressing for you.

Yes, she has money. We will probably end up having to hire someone at some point. We have friends who went through this and they hired someone to live with them 24/7, but that cost $5000 a month and they were required to provide a private room for the caregiver. We wouldn't be able to do that. A) My mom doesn't have THAT much money and B) We simply don't have enough room in our house to provide a private room for the caregiver. But I'm sure at some point and time we will have to have someone come in more than what we have now, which is basically 1-2 nurse visits a week that only last 30 minutes and don't offer any sort of respite opportunities.

Right now, we are getting in some UA time, since DS21 is still living with us and has been an immense help. He baby sits and helps my mom when she needs something and we aren't here. So we've been getting out 2-3 times a week, with at least 1-2 dates out of the house. But DS21 will be leaving to start his new job in Colorado in a couple of weeks, and things will get more difficult then. DS19 will still be here, but he has behavioral issues and even though he's pretty good about baby sitting, he doesn't get along with my mom at all and I don't think she would take well to him helping her out. They've never gotten along. DS19 also doesn't drive, so he won't be able to help out with taking my mom or DD5 places like DS21 has been able to do. DH is gone for work M-F from 4:30 a.m. until about 4 p.m. so he won't be around to help much during weekdays, so he can't really drive my mom to appointments or take DD5 to school.

My mom starts the radiation and chemo next week. We will be doing radiation appointments daily for 30-45 minutes a day and chemo once a week for 1-1.5 hours. Right now, about all I can do is wait and see how my mom responds to the treatments. We are living very much one day at a time at this point.

Writer I am so sorry your family is going through this. You are a good daughter to care for her in her final days.

How much UA time are you actually getting?

So you're not going to take Dr. Harley's advice?

How are you doing today Writer? I know how that feels to be in an emergency situation with taking care of sick family members.

I'd say we're getting 10 - 15 hours a week right now. Not bad really, under the circumstances.

I don't know what you mean about not following Dr. Harley's advice. I don't actually know what his advice would be since my mother's diagnosis with a terminal illness. I suspect it might be different now that my mother isn't physically capable of taking care of herself or living on her own anymore.

Thanks for asking SW. I'm doing okay today. My mom has seemed a little better too. Monday was a bad day as she had the porta- cath put in and she was in quite a bit of pain from the surgery.

I'm hoping the radiation she starts next week will start easing some of her pain, like the radiologist said it should. The pain meds just aren't working for her like they used to. If the radiation doesn't help, she's going to need something stronger than the percocet soon. It isn't working very well anymore.

I doubt it. But why don't you write him and ask?

Dr. Harley seems like a empathetic man. I am sure he would praise you and your dh for taking care of your terminally ill mother. I would be curious what he would say about a situation like this----your mom having no where else to go and not being able to care for herself anymore. I am so sorry she is in so much pain.

I was planning on it, though I have to be honest, if his advice is to move my mom out even though she's terminally ill and needs help with things like preparing meals, changing the dressings on her tubes, and getting transportation to and from her daily appointments, I don't think I can follow it. These treatments are the best shot my mom has at improving the length and quality of her life. She can't live on her own and if she goes into hospice or a nursing home, she couldn't do the treatments. So honestly, I don't see any choice but having her live with us for now. There may be a time when the treatments aren't an option anymore and we will then consider hospice or a nursing home, but that time hasn't come yet.

My mother's doctors and every medical professional we've encountered throughout this process are all very happy that she doesn't live by herself. They have all said that it is absolutely necessary for her to live with someone who can help her with everyday activities as well as driving her around and attending to her various medical needs. None of them think she is capable of living independently now.