So my husband and I have been married for 3 months now. Two weekends ago I went to canada with my parents ane my sister because my sister was running in a half marathon. My husband didn't go. He was mad that I was going but he chose not to go. He was threatening with divorce and then he was fine. This weekend I am going with my sister to her friends wedding because she doesn't have a date. Again my husband is mad and is threatening divorce. He doesn't think its right that my sister asked me to be her date and that I should go to a wedding without him. Both his family and my family don't see a problem with me going at all. Advice please! I need a husband's take on this. Thanks!

Welcome. You are in a great place.

I'm not a husband, I'm a wife.

What you are doing is called Independent Behaviour.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3406_independent.html

And a violation of POJA.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

Your husband appears to have trouble voicing his complaints in an effective manner. Have you read the main concepts?

I have a (only) sister as well, and we love to do things together. This weekend, she is visiting from across the country, and wanted to go to another city about 3 hours away and stay overnight. My husband was NOT happy about that idea, and as a part of Marriage Builders, married couples are encouraged to not spend nights apart.

So, we agree to POJA - an agreement we are both enthusiastic about. We agree that this year, we will not go to that city, but wait until next year when the kids and him are old enough to join, and make it a family trip. We're all happy, there is no resentment, and no IB (independent behaviour - I'm going to do whatever the hell I want and don't care what you think).

What does my sister think? Well, she is a little bummed, but she'll just have to deal with that because my husband comes first.

Your IBs are damaging your marriage.

Welcome!

Just a warning that you are engaging in Independent Behaviour. Dr Harley says this is a lovebuster and will cause your husband to lose love for you over time.

He tells couples to never do anything unless both enthusiastically agree to the decision. Dr Harley won't even buy sardines because his wife does not like them!

He is also very specific that couples should not spend their free time apart. Even if your husband was OK with this, Dr Harley would say it is a bad idea.

Couples cannot maintain the 'in love' feeling without spending 15 hours undivided attention time together (no TV or mobile phone). That also means no other people around too.

I empathise with your husband's feelings of neglect. My H used to put his family and friends first too and I spent many weekends alone as a result. I had a better relationship with my neighbours than my own husband. You can't stay in love that way.

I cannot stress how lousy it feels to be the fourth or fifth priority with the person who promised to make you number one. Your spouse comes first.

Do you think the two of you would be able to come an agreement that would suit you both about seeing your family? It should be the two of you together. You shouldn't be spending nights apart if you want an MB marriage.

Even if you can reach such an agreement, you should make sure you get your 15 hours alone time in first.

Read more about IB here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3406_independent.html

One of the things you learn in MB is this:

OTHER people's opinions do not matter at all. Not a drop.

Your family's opinions - Dont matter
His family's opinions - Dont matter
Other husbands - dont matter
Your friends - dont matter.

When you learn PoJA, you will learn to make decisions that take both your opinion and your husband's opinion into account.

Therefore your husbands views and opinions are way more important than what anyone else thinks. Only your opinion is equal, everyone else's is inferior.

You didn't promise to provide extraordinary care for any of those other people, after all.

In this husband's opinion, independent behavior is the biggest lovebuster a W can deliver. Your H obviously seems like it's a big one for him too. Take it to heart and fix it.

The only "fix" for IB is PoJA.

Did you live together before you were married? If so, you will both need to reinvent your relationship before more of these issues develop.

Thanks for all the advice. I guess I didn't realize what kind of group this was. I don't like having to follow one persons rules on marriage. I think spending time apart is good for a relationship. I will take myself off this website.

This is a group that puts marriage before nights out with your sister, yes, is your marriage fantastic? If not, then why do you think you have all the solutions? You are looking for someone to tell your husband he is wrong. Well, he is not. You are behaving destructively to your marriage. Let us know if you are interested in a happy marriage, which means not listening to "one person's rules" but taking your husbands feelings into account before making a JOINT decision that makes you BOTH happy.

Really? You think you know what is good for a relationship. Yet you are here because your H is not happy with the decisions you are making in the marriage. So ... unless he agrees with your choices to do as you please he's wrong.

That's an interesting way to handle your M. I'm sorry but you have a lot to learn about what it takes to have a good marriage.

I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you were looking for. Please feel free to ask your question on other sites. And when you're given the answer you're looking for and then your M continues to deteriorate please feel free to come back here and we'll help you try to recover it. Hopefully your H will still be around.

Please do your H a favor and ask him to join us on this forum. We'll help give him advice on how he can have a happy, romantic M where finding the Win/Win is the goal.

How is that working out for you kruz? You have been married 3 months and your DH has threatened divorce twice already.


It is never good for a relationship to ignore your spouse's feelings and continue to do things that upset them.

I'm sorry that you cannot see that...

Kruz,

Your H may not be acting as irrationally as you believe, people have been know to meet up with past boy friends at weddings and in the spirit of drunken revelry at a wedding end up in bed together.

God Bless
Gamma

kruz, yet you want your husband to follow "one's persons rules on marriage." YOURS. You want to force your husband to abide by your disrespectful, thoughtless behavior that very few people would tolerate. If your husband wanted to run off and go hunting whether you liked it or not, you would be very upset. This "kind of group" is one that knows what it takes to have a happy marriage.

You won't be married very long this way. Very few people would tolerate such a thoughtless, uncaring spouse.

Your best thinking has about destroyed your marriage. You have managed to wreck your marriage in 3 months time.

I'm sorry I should've been clearer with what I wrote. My husband is on a dart league with his brother and uncle and plays every Wednesday and he has buffalo bills season tix with my stepfather and his parents and brother. How am I wrong to say that I would like some sister time. He is the one being selfish not me. Yes this is a bump in our marriage but you cannot judge me based on this one thing I wanted advice for. Along with threatening divorce he also gets violent and thows things around our house. Are you also going to agree with him on that too?

You are wrong because you know it upsets him. If his dart league and his football games upset you, we would tell him to stop it. The fact that you don't CARE that he is upset spells doom for your marriage. A spouse that doesn't care about her spouses feelings will not be married for long.


No. It sounds to me like you just need to separate. You are thoughtless and he is violent so this is a domestic assault waiting to happen.

How long did you live together before marriage?

I guess the basic question is this: do you want to be married or do you want to force your husband to tolerate your thoughtless behavior?

You have to choose because you can't have both. We can teach you how to have a happy life and happy marriage.

What it boils down to is neither spouse does something that the other spouseobjects to. So if he is not hhappy with you going somewher, then you don't go. If you're not happy that he's on a dart league, then he shouldn't be.

And if he's violent, then you two should separate until he can control his temper. This seems like something you threw in to put the spotlight on him suddenlywhen you werebeing told you are wrong. If you are fearful of your life, why are you with him

I do care. But how is fair to me that I don't get to see my friends ever or my sister unless I am with him. Of course I'm going to make him happy if i dont go somewhere unless he says its ok, but then i would be unhappy. He has to learn to compromise with me because he doesnt ever. He was completely fine when I went to the wedding this weekend. And I read somewhere on this site that you should spend 15 hours of quality time with your spouse?! How is that possible when you work 8 hours and sleep for maybe an average of 6 hours. That means there are 10 hours left in the day, but when you have errands to run, or grad school like me, or even have kids, spending 15 hours together isn't doable unless neither of you work or you don't care about having a life outside of your marriage. And why don't you bash on celebrities that spend time away from each other when they have to work. Yes its there job but they are still spending time away from each other and it works for them. My husband is a man that has adhd and has little jealousy and possessive qualities. My stepdad was like that with my mom and he realized he couldn't keep doing thagt and their marriage is better then ever. Am I saying mine will turn out the same way, no I'm not but I realized I need to do what makes me happy too along with compromising with my husband. And if it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. And I've learned not to judge people by one situation you hear or see and that you can't judge them when you aren't in their shoes. I think a lot of you have been a little harsh with me and I ask that you not judge me anymore. Thanks.

You won't be married for long with that attitude. As long as you insist on forcing your will on your spouse, you will never have a happy marriage. Hopefully you learn from your mistakes some day. You won't keep a spouse this way.

15 hours a WEEK.