My wife has had an affair; she actually told me about it, stating that she felt guilty. I believe that she is being truthful when telling me that she is no longer having the affair. But she has a 'friendship' with another male.

I wouldn't say that she has gotten off 'easy'. I will say that her being pregnant has influenced a lot of my actions. I do not want to cause any stress that may affect my child negatively. I do not want to be the cause of postpartum depression. But she has endured scrutiny about the activities she is doing, details of the interaction with the sexual affair and me continually questioning the logic of what she has told me. But that is all an effect of her lying, so I don't feel remorse for that.

Thanks MelodyLane. I have read the Exposure 101 post. I will need to pray about this. We have been involved with counseling and spoken with our pastor. That is as far as the 'exposure' has gone.

As far as the physical affair, I am positive that is over; as there are really no opportunities for it to happen. No trips, no late nights, I call her at work just about everyday (different times; not an attempt to check on her, more so to foster communication). I have compiled a 'profile' of how she interacted with that guy, and that is something I am able to track.

I can not say for certain if the 'friendship' ever went past what I know. I know there was at least some sort of connection, and regardless of the level -- it is not acceptable. Even if they are just talking news, conspiracies, blah blah blah. I do not care.

What I believe is that she naive to the dangers of these types of 'friendships' and how unhealthy they are. Or at least she was. She does not understand that if a man is spending that much time talking to you, if he finds you attractive at all, in his mind he may be 'biding his time' for an opportunity. And he may not feel that way currently, but as this relationship develops, he can 'catch' feelings just as a woman may.

She indeed, may not be in contact with him any longer. But again, we have come to a point where there is no value in her 'word'.

I may just continue on the rebuilding path, and work on believing her. I spent a few weeks, sleeping in our basement to give space, without having my son suffer and have only recently come 'back to bed'. I am at the end of my forgiveness rope. So if something surfaces, which I have tried to explain, it always does, I will just chalk it up as part of my life journey.

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.