Hi I am new here.

We are in our second year of marriage and before that we had a LTR. I would really like to be the best wife I can be. My husband is not interested in reading any books or going to marriage counseling, so I do not know what his top five needs are, and I would like to find out. We both have health problems, are a couple of years out from the fallout of his emotional affairs, and we are proud parents to our wonderful little boy. I would like to do all that I can for my husband, but I am having trouble balancing everything and also singling out what are the top things I can do to make him feel happy when he comes home. Any advice? I could just really use some guidance thinking it through and making a plan.

Welcome to MB supernewbie.

You mentioned your hubby has had some emotional affairs? How do you know it was just emotional? Did he tell you? How did they start? Who was she/they? I am betting that your husband is likely still in some sort of an affair but let's get some more details layed out.

In regards to top needs... Generally the top 5 for men is opposite 5 for women. Number 1 for men is almost always sexual fulfillment while number one for women is almost always intimate conversation.

What are your husbands biggest complaints? What are yours?

How old are you two?

You mention your having trouble balancing everything.. The fact is you shouldn't be balancing everything. It should be equal between you and your hubby.

I would quietly put some snooping tools in place to find out what he's up to. (Keylogger on pc, spyware in his phone)

Has he ever said "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" ?

Do your health problems prevent you two from spending quality time together?

Do you both work?

How much time are you spending together each week as a couple with no distractions (distractions such as tv, computer/video games, friends, children etc)

Read all you can here and post up your questions and answers. Find out what your hubby is up to with the spyware.

MNG

Did you live together before marriage? Do you know about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA?) And do you and your H follow it? The POJA is the foundation of a great marriage.


For most men, the top two intimate emotional affairs are Sexual Fulfillment and Recreational Companionship. The next three are Physical Attractiveness of Spouse, Domestic Support, and Admiration. The order of importance depends on your husband's desires.


How many affairs did your husband have? Does he practice Extraordinary Precautions as a way of life now? Do you? EPs make an affair essentially impossible.

What were the conditions that led to his affairs? Have the conditions been eliminated completely?

MB doesn't consider it an affair if you were living together, although it is a very painful nevertheless. In our wedding vows, most people promise never to commit adultery. People who live together may base their lives together on the premise of faithfulness, but no public vows have been made.


What do you mean by balancing everything? Do you mean your schedule?

Dr. Harley found that virtually every married couple needs to set aside a minimum of 15 hours per week to spend together with no distractions or children, meeting each others top four intimate emotional needs. This is what it takes to be in love. It's best to spend the time out of the house on a date, getting a babysitter for your child.

The book Fall in Love, Stay in Love would be a good idea for you to read. You could read a little out loud together every night. It's a pretty short book and an easy read; it's a short version of the entire MB program.

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

Thank you both for answering.

I don't believe he is crossing any more boundaries with other girls. He has refused to provide me with full disclosure, though he claims there was no kissing or sex. He has always been angry when I asked questions. But his behavior has changed. He no longer takes out other girls or broaches sexual topics with them, nor does he hide our relationship.

I feel very self-conscious now about my ability to make him happy or attracted to me. This is not something I can discuss with him, because he gets annoyed. He has told me before that I am not his best, but refuses to tell me how to become his best.

During our pregnancy, he said that he was afraid to fall in love with me. We were engaged at the time. So that for me felt like hearing a variation of "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

With regard to sexuality being a top male need, in our marriage it is the reverse. It's my top need and one of his lowest. I'm not sure how to figure out what his top needs are without asking, and he wasn't interested in answering when I asked. Do you have any advice on how I can narrow it down?

His top complaints seem to be:
1) When our son gets into mischief and I don't stop him fast enough.
2) When I say I will do something and forget to (make food, go get money)
3) Any questions or references to anything infidelity related (I've tried to stop doing these)
4) When I complain too much about my health symptoms

My top complaints are:
1) Whenever he curses at my son or I
2) Him not meeting my sexual wants
3) Not enough support with taking care of our son (even just going together with us to the playground would mean a lot to me)
4) His refusal to answer my questions about what made the other women so enjoyable (I've stopped asking)

I am in my late 20s and he is in his early 30s. Our son is almost 3.

I have heard of the Policy of Joint Agreement - to never do anything without the enthusiastic consent of your spouse - and I would love to use it. My husband does not read and does not like to talk about relationship issues. He does not know about any of the MB concepts. Both our therapists asked us if we were interested in CC - I said yes and he said no. So we haven't gone to CC. We couldn't anyway - without his enthusiastic agreement, it would just make him miserable.

I would love to know what his top needs are. I'm not sure how to go about figuring it out. My GUESSES (if I had to guess) are financial support (he's always asking me for money), recreational companionship (he's always asking me to play video games with him), physical attractiveness (given his reaction to other girls), family commitment (he yells at me if our son does anything mischievous instead of addressing it himself, and he refuses to watch our son for anything longer than a bathroom break), and domestic support (he does more cooking and cleaning since our son became more active, but he used to rave about one of the other women's cooking, even though I was also cooking for him at the time. I think he secretly wishes that he could do less housekeeping).

As for balance... I'm trying to figure out how to juggle being his lover, the mother and primary caretaker of our son, a health patient, a housekeeper and cook (trying harder here), and someone with my own goals (I'm trying to overcome a cluttering issue and also trying to enjoy my creative writing sometimes).

I hope this gives more of a picture. I'm not sure what his picture of an ideal wife is supposed to look like. I tried to emulate his first other woman once, but I could never get it quite like her. I could never be her.

Meant to add: I read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". I haven't read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love". Thank you for the recommendation.

I think you need to write Dr. Harley.

If it is only the woman who is trying to pull the entire weight of the relationship... it normally doesn't work out.

Dr Harley could help you say something that would motivate him or at least let you know steps you should be taking.

I would also read "Surviving and Affair" more than Fall in Love.

Also, Dr says that no matter what the EN of the spouse are... during Undivided Attention time the needs of Intimate Conversation, Rec Comp, Sex Full, and Affection are the 4 you are to focus on the most. Those are the ones that build love.

However, steps need to be taken for you because of the EA that he had and you need to get the above book and if you write DR Harley for his radio show, he gives away books for free... you would probably receive that one.

The first BIG is you don't know who these former partners were. You also can't take his word for it that there was "no kissing and no sex." One of the cardinal rules of EPs is you can never see or talk to a former lover/girlfriend again. And you don't even know who these people are/were.

That your husband gets angry with you when you ask about these people and the extent of each relationship is a . It indicates that they very well could still be a part of his life.

The thing is, supernewbie, you will not be able to make deposits into your account in his lovebank if there is an affair going on. He sounds like a man who has closed his lovebank to you. He has maintained that you are "not his best." That means someone else is.

A very possible reason for your H to have such a low need for SF is being involved with another person. Dr. Harley likes to work in "concentric circles," which means you start with the most likely reasoning first and move to the more difficult as each simpler solution is eliminated.

In your relationship with your H, has his low need for SF always been the case? Or is it fairly recent?

I didn't see the answer to the question of living together before you were married. It really does make a difference; it's not idle curiosity.

The problem with living together is that it creates a permanent renter's mentality. To have a great marriage, you need two buyers. A buyer is defined as following the Policy of Joint Agreement. Renters make sacrifices for each other, which creates resentment. Living together creates bad renter habits. The book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" explains this very well.

Do you have access to all his online accounts, bank accounts, social media, etc? Do you know where he is throughout the day? You need to find out if he's having an affair, or all your efforts to meet his needs will just make you crazy, because they will have no effect on his love for you.

Snoop and find out what he's doing.

Meanwhile, don't complain about your health problems, don't make demands on him, avoid all love busters.

Fall in Love, Stay in Love is an overview of HNHN and LB. Since you already have the latter two books, you probably don't need FILSIL.

Here's a really good thread on Buyers, Renters,and Freeloaders. It will give you an idea of how relationships work in each status. Here

Our living situation was variable. When we first met, we were housemates in our health program and we began dating. I had to move out of the house at one point, so we lived apart for a little more than a year. He moved in during our engagement, and our son was born shortly after. We have lived together ever since.

Thank you for the link. I think my husband sounds most like a renter. I am always afraid that if he were to find someone "better", or at least a relationship that made him feel better (whether temporarily or permanently) then he would choose that one. But I don't want to make assumptions about him. Who knows, he might become a buyer. And I'm more concerned with: am I a buyer? And if I'm not, then how can I become one, or become a better buyer?

As for his cheating - he's around almost all the time, and I haven't noticed any strange texts or phone calls. He never was very tech savvy; most of his interactions were in person (though he got some of their phone numbers). Fortunately, I haven't seen their numbers appear. At this point, while it will always be possible that he's meeting another girl(s) while he's out, I don't have the energy to worry about it anymore. The last time hurt too much and it shut down part of me. I have absolutely no control over what he chooses to do. But I don't think he is, because he hasn't been talking about other girls anymore, and because he's been home much more and his time has been more accountable (he gets home in the same medians of time, instead of wild hours-long fluctuations). He used to talk a lot about other girls when he was being inappropriate, and he used to come home (or come over when we were living apart) very inconsistently and sometimes very late.

That said, I will always wonder what he's doing when he's not here and I will always be mindful of what he says and if it matches what he does.

The sex has fluctuated. It's increased since he became more invested in us and less invested in other girls (though for me, I would wish more - both more within each encounter, and more encounters in general - but I don't want to be greedy). Before that he would talk a lot about sex or hot girls, but then not be interested in me. For the first 11 months of our son's life, he would reject me constantly in favor of pornography. That hurt a great deal. He used to watch it on his phone's internet, but then his internet began to malfunction. He has watched it infrequently since then, and I can always tell when he's watched it. He's more passionate than normal when he watches it and it always makes me wonder if he's picturing the porn he saw instead of being present with us. Fortunately, since that time, it's only been a couple of times per year.

Speaking of love busters... I have a question. How shall I respond in a loving way when he does a love buster? I completely agree that I should not be complaining about my health issues (or anything if I can help it), and I've noticed that I feel more flustered when I'm struggling with our son or when my husband curses at me. How should I respond when he curses at me or my son (angry outburst) in a way that is not itself a love buster?

Thank you for taking the time to help.

I should add - for the longest time I believed that he had either kissed or had sex with someone else or even more than one someone else's during our relationship, and it HURT. Some part of me will never fully believe he didn't. But because he said he didn't, I have to take his word for it, right? There's no way of knowing the truth. That's something only he knows. The reason why it hurt was the feeling of not being special, and more appropriately that he would compare me unfavorably to someone else. But as time has gone on, I've been trying to put the focus back on being a good wife - not because he is or isn't a certain way, but rather because my actions are the only person's I can control.

That's why I'm wanting to know how to figure out his top needs. If I can figure them out and then do everything I can to meet them, then I'm being the person I need to be.

....has told me before that I am not his best,...

you describe a very unhealthy relationship in which you bend over backwards to meet his needs. On the other hand, he puts you down and purposefully makes you feel insecure by telling you directly and indirectly that you cannot live up to his standards. That is unhealthy and abusive.
Search for "love busters" on this website.

Please disclose on this anonymous forum what kind of health problems you two had? Do these problems still influence your lives and complicate the situation further or limit you resources?

We both have mental health disabilities - permanent conditions. He is taking medications for his, and I am not at the moment (the psychiatrist and I are waiting to put me back on them). Hopefully I will be taking medications within a year. In addition to mental health issues, I also have debilitating headaches (and some minor physical issues). It makes it difficult to concentrate and to function.

Love Busters:

Selfish demands - Sometimes I feel like asking for help with our son is selfish. I thought Dr. Harley had an example like this in the book, where the wife tried to turn off the TV and ask the husband for help with either the kids or cleaning house. While I don't yell at my husband or turn off the TV, when I ask he gets very annoyed. So I'm not sure if I should be asking if I know his reaction. Then it turns into an annoying habit, right?

Disrespectful judgments - I try not to call him names or put labels on him. That's why I won't say he's abusive. I've tried to mellow out what I think about his interactions with the other girls because I don't know what was in his head and I shouldn't assume. For all I know, he has the best intentions. And saying I wasn't his best could have been his way of being honest.

Angry outbursts - I am guilty of these, especially when he curses at me. I respond sometimes with anger. Other times I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to have an angry outburst. I try to be polite other times. It doesn't work in the moment and I think it just irritates him further.

Annoying habits - This one is difficult for me. There are times when I don't annoy him, and other times where every little thing I do annoys him. The biggest ones seem to be things my son does, and when I don't stop him fast enough then it becomes me that's annoying him.

Independent behavior - when I write, it feels like independent behavior. But I enjoy writing so much. I try to share my stories with my husband.

Dishonesty - my issue here is, if I'm in pain from my health issues but I don't share them with my husband, then is that being dishonest with him? But how do I share that with him without it offending him?

What I don't understand is, what kinds of expectations should I have of him?

I forgot to say: yes, the ongoing mental health issues limit our resources. Our therapists are both hoping that we will return to the working world someday, and I would like to (I loved my job before my issues got more serious). At the moment, we're both on disability. That does limit our economic resources. The mental health issues do not play a big role in our relationship issues, imo. They are actually a non-issue since we both have them, and we can relate very well to each other over our health issues (ETA: though he cannot relate so well over my headaches). Where it's an issue for me is when it saps my energy and confuses my thinking. I get disoriented sometimes, and I believe he gets impatient with that. With him, he will get extra grumpy if he doesn't take his medication in a timely fashion, though he'll be grumpy even with it. Personality-wise, a lot of our issues are really there. Neither of us become different people suddenly because of our issues. Does that make sense?

Honey, you seriously need to get over to the surviving an affair forum.
There is NO reason on earth you should not know EVERYTHING your husband did with other women.
Get a polygraph-tell him he has to pass it in order to keep you and I will wager.. he sings like a canary.

All this other stuff you are focusing on is distracting you from the truth. You are still suffering from his Adultery. Sweeping affairs under the rug just doesn't work ever- Never Ever!

Here.
Polygraph Testing

I appreciate what you all are saying. But I've read the links about what to do after an affair. Dr. Harley clearly says that bringing it up again will withdraw Love Units. He also says that the spouse who was cheated on should apologize to the wayward spouse for not meeting their needs. I need to figure out what my husband's needs are so I can apologize for not meeting them and then do better.

Maybe part of why my husband hasn't been open is because I'm doing too many of the Love Busters. Maybe if I could stop doing Love Busters and start meeting his Emotional Needs, then he will feel safe enough to be open and honest with me. So far the lesson I learned is, asking him questions increases his resentment. I don't want him to resent me anymore.

He says it here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

First step is to create a safe place. I need to do that for my husband. But I need to know what 'safe' looks like for him first. Right now, that means no more questions.

You haven't read Surviving an Affair.
You have to follow each step in order or its all pointless.
Step one is separating from the AP for life/exposing the affairs to everyone (regardless if he isn't in them anymore) and sending no contact letters together.
In order to do that, the other part of step ONE is the WS has to tell the BS EVERYTHING about the affairs.. who what when where and how was this possible. (Then and ONLY then do you not bring it up and asking for a polygraph to verify they have told you the truth is advised and not a LB)

I am sorry, but you don't know how this program works yet and need better help than MB 101. You need the vets to really lead you down the right steps at the right time. Doing it the wrong way or trying to do step 5 before all the other ones are done will not get you anywhere and you will be dying a death of a thousand cuts.

Focusing on what his needs are and not the fact you have no clue who these women are, IF he has even stopped contacting them-or how many women he has had an affair with, you have NO idea what he did with them, he has not given you any just compensation.....or extraordinary precautions.....

Really, the focus needs to change. You need to get over to the surviving an affair forum and start on Step 1.
I am REALLY sorry this has happened to you so much! However, admitting where you really are and preparing for some hard work is also something you need to brace yourself for.

Dr. Harley states there is a difference between a WW and a WH. A WW usually won't show remorse, but a WH must. If a WH doesn't show remorse then there could be a False Recovery.

Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

Also please read.
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience