Hi all - latest update..

My husband and I talked this past weekend. He told me he didn't want a divorce but thought he should move out for awhile. Allowing him time to decide if he still wants the marriage. Told me he still is sexually attacted to me but needs time away to see if he wants to spend time in general with me....nice guy!

I tol him no. I would not wait around for him to decide if I'm worthy enough to be in his life. I had been a great wife to him and paid dearly for my mistake 15 years ago. He also could come up with nothing in the past 15 years that I had done that was worthy of divorcing over.

I did ask him about marriage counceling and he refused. He also refused to fire the girl that is is/was having an affair with. Although he sai it wasn't an affair cause they never ha sex...most would disagree.

The above are non negotiables for me. If he really wanted the marriage he would do all possible to save it, clearly he doesn't want that.

Have you been familiarizing yourself with Plan B? You really need to get into Plan B.

Here's what Dr. Harley says about Plan B.

"Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.

Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?

While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

But what about marital separation when an affair is not the issue. In your letter, you did not indicate why you had separated. It may have been for reasons other than infidelity.

In general, I recommend separation when at least one spouse cannot control destructive behavior. An ongoing affair, of course, is one of those situations. Hence, plan B. But other situations such as physical and verbal abuse, where one spouse's mental or physical safety is as risk, are also grounds for separation. As in the case of infidelity, if one spouse is abusive, I often recommend plan A first, where, through negotiation (without anger, disrespect or demands), an attempt is made to overcome the abuse without separating."

Full article Here

Plan B is not to punish your spouse; it's to protect you. Plan B allows you to heal and to live your life without the drama of the wayward. It also protects any remaining love you have for your H. It will keep you healthier, both emotionally and physically, than living with a man who vacillates between you and his OW.

Do you have the financial means to support yourself? Can you find an intermediary?

Then i suggest you pack his belongings and set them outside of the house.
He should not be allowed to maintain his affair while living with you.

At this point you should consult with an attorney and try to get him out of the house legally if he won't leave voluntarily.

But see the attorney first so you have protection in case he tries to take all of the money etc

I do have a lawyer already and meeting with him again next week to file.
I was so hurt that my husband even suggested moving out, not divorcing because he needed to think about staying with me!! How insulting.

My life won't be out on hold for him.

I suggested counceling, he refused.
I asked him to terminate the OW employment, he refused.

I'm done.

I wanted to wait till after Xmas for the kids. I'm not waiting any longer.

Now- he isn't speaking to me and barely answers my text messages. You would think he was mad at me!?

Xmas is a great time to make the WS think about what they really want. If you can pull it off, a dark Plan B over the season is a good weapon to use too.

Do you have someone that can act as an Intermediary?

I have a question....

My husband told me (not that I believe him) that he and this women had an emotional affair and kissed but no sex at this point.

I'm led to believe that they are waiting to have sex until my husband is no longer in the house with me, he is moving out very soon.

Is there a greater chance that an affair will last if the two involved don't have sex until the married couple is seperated??

I would be very doubtful about this. I don't believe a man would leave his wife if he wasn't already having a physical relationship with another woman.

I don't believe him either.

Just wondering if the success rate is higher with this type of twist to an affair...

Any other thoughts???

Honestly, I've never seen that be the case.

Dr Harley does say that most affairs die a natural death within 2 years.

I would focus on plan B and throw his crap out on the curb.
The way he treats you is terrible.

When are you going into Plan B?

How to Plan B Correctly

Just as clarification, I think my husband feels that if he and thr OW have not had Sex yet, then somehow their relationship hasn't started as wrong. That tht waited to get physical.

Can these relationships work in the long term?

Long story short: no.

It may appear that they are sometimes but that is because they still have things to sacrifice to the affair, like a marriage or a job.

Lacole,

You need to get yourself into to plan b ASAP. You do not deserve to abused by your husband no matter what he thinks his "justifications" are. You deserve so much more. At this point, what he thinks and feels is completely irrelevant. You emotional wellbeing is far more important. Plan b will take you away from this abuse and emotional turmoil. As a female who did plan A for a year (Dr H recommends 3 weeks for women......yes I did a year) after dday.....I see the rabbit hole you are falling into. This is not a place you want to be, trust me as I know all to well.

Will you start getting ready for plan b? Do you have an IM in mind? Start planning. I see the turmoil in your postings, you need to do this ASAP.

I have an appt with my lawyer on wed of this coming week. I am officially filing for divorce. Husband should get the papers right around Xmas.


H is moving out right after the new year. He already has a corp apt he got through a friend, so he won't be taking anything except his own personal clothes, etc.

He has been so mean and snappy. You would think it was me who did something wrong?! I also wouldn't be surprised if the OW was pressuring him to make some kind of decision. Sex with a women 20 years younger is difficult to refuse I guess.

I don't want it to work out with her. I want him to realize how devastating the his actions were, to his 21 yr marriage, kids, nothing in his life will ever be the same, but maybe at 50, that is what he is hoping for?!

I don't want his to regret it in the hope he comes back, I just want him to look back and really feel like he made a giant mistake....in his mind it's not an affair until you have sex, so he justify a it that way, thinking it's not a tainted relationship then it will work out for the long term...

If an affair is not consummated until after the spouse moves out, does it have a better chance of working out?

Plan B lacole.

Your posts are filled with what he is thinking, feeling and doing.

Plan B gets you away from the wayward madness. You focus on what you are thinking, feeling and doing.

You only control yourself lacole. I had an extremely difficult time going into plan B. The vets will tell you how darn stubborn I was. Please do not follow my example.

I have been in Plan B for almost 2 years. Do you know who I found? Me. I like me. I am pretty darn awesome and did not deserve the hand that my wayward dealt me, but I am doing great now. You will too.

As a vet said to me, "step on into plan b, the water is fine"

I know- I need to focus on me and filing these papers and felling back in control of my own life is he first step. I'm not questioning my decision at all!

But - I don't want his affair/relationship/friendship whatever he wants to call it , to last. I just want abit more insight into this....

If he really takes a concerted effort to get it right with her, can it work?

Lacole, you only need to read some of the threads on here for the answer to your question.

I also pulled This thread up for you for the statistics mentioned.

In my situation, once I stepped out of the equation and refused contact with my WH, the affairees love busted each other and their relationship fell apart. Move to plan B and focus on yourself. You may find that when their relationship falls apart, you will have moved on to a better place emotionally.