Thanks Justthe3ofus. Honestly, it wasn't too rough. I took the day off work and got to spend it with my crazy kiddos. The only tears I shed were when remembering the price paid for my country's freedom. Days like today do put my life in perspective.

IWBH,

The boys had a program at school for Veteran's Day. My husband's step mother went with me.p

Just a thought, does your WH like his step Mother, or was she an affair wife. This might be sending a wrong message that everyone has turned against WH and he has no way back to his Wife.

God Bless
Gamma

No she wasn't an affair wife. He likes her. He has dinner with his dad and stepmom every Tuesday. She is a very embracing woman. She still loves him very much and includes him in family gatherings.

What do you mean by everyone turning against WH? No one in his family agrees with his actions, but so far there appears to be no consequence to his actions in his family. Meaning he still talks to his family, they just avoid talking about his affair.

His step-mother has the right to shun him if she does not approve of his affair. (Not that we know this is the reason she did not go to the school with him - but just suppose it is). One of the results of exposure is that people will let him know what they think of him. If she is shunning him, that is not regrettable.

Most importantly: He DOES have a way back to his wife. The conditions for return were given to him in a Plan B letter. The most important condition is that he ends his affair and goes NC with OP.

He does not have a way back to his wife by virtue of his step-mother being nice to him while he carries on his affair. I'm not at all sure what you are trying to tell this poster to do, Gamma.

Did you remind your IM about "being a filter"? Do they have the IM training link?

Thanks BH!
I haven't yet reminded my IM of being a filter. I think my IM hasn't really had to filter, as my WH has been civil(I could be wrong about his civility and my IM is just doing an awesome job). I did originally send my IM the training link. I think I will do this "reminder" with a phone call so as to not upset my IM with misconstrued words in a text or email. I feel like they are playing such a wonderful role in my recovery even if they dont understand it fully. I would hate to upset them.

I do sometimes wish my IM wasn't a friend that didn't fully understand/embrace the MB principles. I just feel like I am walking on eggshells to not upset my IM.

I just feel like it is such a huge favor and I am going to tell them they are doing it wrong. Like being a house guest and telling the homeowner that they are keeping house poorly.

I would tell them how appreciative you are of them doing this huge favor for you, but that for your own mental healing you can't hear anything that isn't about finances or logistics about pickups and dropoffs or conditions from your PBL. That you didn't realize how it affected your mental health. I think most people are receptive of constructive criticism when they find out how it effects someone they care about.

I have a question, that I am sure I will get some conflicting answers on.

My children attend a christian school with before and after care. My WH picks them up two evenings and every other Friday. Twice this past week school officials questioned him about picking them up. Once it was a half day and he wanted to pick them up early. He left before they got confirmation from me that it was okay and so he came back and picked them up at his regular time. They thought this behavior strange. They also confronted him on Friday because they thought I picked them up every Friday. They confirmed with me that we alternate Friday's.

I would guess it would seem to my WH that I put the school up to these confrontations. So my question is should I send a message through our IM that I heard school questioned him multiple times last week and that I have confirmed our schedule with the school.

I do admit some amount of pleasure at them questioning his ability to pick up his own kids, as this is a direct result of his actions/choices. However, I would like him to know that I did not ask the school to question him.

The school knows we are separated, but they do not know any details. I suspect my boys may have talked to the teachers about some details. It is a christian school and so the concept of sinning comes up frequently.

Thoughts? Should I not care what assumption he might make?

My .02 cents, who gives a darn if the school confronts him when he picks up the kids? And who cares what he thinks? Not. Your. Problem.

Also, it would be a good idea to sit down with the kids' teachers, principal,school social worker, etc to let them now what is going on. I did this when my kid's were dealing with their dad out of the house and it helped the kids to get the attention they needed if their behavior was extreme (crying, anger, etc).

~RQ

You are only responsible for your actions, not the schools.
I think you should accept their measures as rules that will be followed and mention nothing.
In plan B you dont send mesaages through the IM for stuff like this

Thanks for your responses. I haven't yet sent anything like this through my IM.

I don't really care if he thinks I did cause the school to question him. I guess I just wanted him to realize that this was a consequence of his actions and not me making it hard on him.

You're right as I am not sure what I would say anyway.

And yes, I am setting up a meeting with the school. I had previously told them we were separated, but it sounds as if the boys may have said something that caused the school additional concern (or maybe it is just a coincidence/karma that they questioned him twice in one week).

Should I tell the school my husband is having an affair? I told both of the teachers at the beginning of the year that we were recently separated. I don't have a problem in telling them (some days I wish I could skywrite it for all the world to know)... I just don't want to be an oversharer if there isn't a valid reason.

Yes. I would tell them: "my husband has left the kids and I to pursue an affair. Please let me know if you observe any alarming behaviors from my children. Thank you"

Thanks Jedi. I sent an email to the principal and I am hoping to get the meeting scheduled for sometime this week.

I think that it would help the teachers help your children if they know what the specific issue is so yes, I would tell them outright.

Just a quick update...
I had my meeting with the school principal on Friday. It went well. I told them my husband was having an affair and that is why he left our home. I said that I appreciated their vigilance in looking out for my children's well being. I told them we had figured out the custody arrangement, but if they ever felt uncomfortable in letting him take the boys they were welcome to call me.

Yesterday was my WH's family thanksgiving dinner. They asked if the boys could come. I agreed and dropped them off at the ILs home. I passed my WH's car on the way out of their driveway. It was a horrible feeling. Im not sure exactly if this counts as a break in plan B. I knew he would be there as we had passed communication through our IM that he would bring this home after the dinner. Either way it sucked. Seeing family that I miss and of course they all wanted me to stay.

I do understand that I may someday need to eliminate them from my life. I wouldn't exactly call them enablers since the OW is not around, but they, at the very least, are allowing my WH to continue to destroy our family without saying a word. I am so disappointed in people's inaction because of the discomfort that speak up might cause.

I had this same problem with my xW family. They not only would not talk to her about it they started to blame me. They told me it was my fault she ran off with another man. I can not express in words how I felt when I heard that from them. Her family were life long friends of my family. I just paused for a second and said "If you think that you are just as messed up as she is. No one ever deserves to be cheated on." I hung up and never talked to them again.

My marriage ended 5 days before Christmas so I can understand how hard this is for you.

My heart goes out for you.

Clay

Thanks Hawk.

I knew this time of the year would be tough because I would likely have to give up some time with my children. And of course the obvious time not spent as a whole family, husband, wife and kiddos. I hadn't expected or thought about feeling sad about losing my time with my WH's family...additional casualties of war.