I will try to compact 22 years of a difficult marriage.
- signs were there early on that he was a womanizer but falling in love, I ignored them
- we did have an amazing sex
- I really believed we had a love that was untouchable
- we married after 4 years and have 2 amazing children 14 and 8
- when my first was a baby he had an affair that went on for several years.. I knew it was happening and it was the most difficult and painful time of my life. He is a good liar. When I finally had proof, he had a breakdown and begged me to stay.
- there are others (at least 5 instances) that I strongly suspect but have no proof
- he has psychiatric and addiction issues to which he blames the one affair
- he is a professional, very funny, smart, musical and the reasons we fell in love are still
there
- I wouldn't say he is a great father but our children love him very and have a relationship with him,
- I am completely opposed to divorce and breaking up our family
- however, my heArt is truly broken, I have put up a wall that sometimes gradually breaks down and then something happens and my trust is shattered again. For example he left his computer open to Facebook and he wrote a message to a girl he knew when we first met who I "suspected" something happened with. The message said " girl, you still look great, damn I can't even think about it. "
- we can't have a normal conversation because he gets angry and just says it's my problem and I need to move on. He professes his love for me and our family.
- I have no idea how to trust him. I have no desire to have sex with him even though I know this will eventually drive him to cheat again one day
- he refuses to attend therapy
- if we didn't have children , I would have left long ago
- I long for affection and love . My heart is in pain. I find solace in my children but the sadness never goes away.
Please please can someone help me? I desperately need some advice that applies to my situation. I will appreciate any feedback .

Yes, Ma'am, we can help you. I can see that the problem is that you have never implemented any of the steps that could facilitate recovery. We can help you do this, though. I would refer you first to this article:

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

And then go read through this: Start here

Another big issue I see here are your views on unconditional love. That is a major reason why your marriage is so bad.
What�s Wrong with Unconditional Love
by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

Can you please change your screen name to something unique? There are about 500 "brokenheart" names here and folks won't be able to keep you straight.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place.

Yes, I will change my screen name. Sorry about that.
I read your first suggestion and the hurdle that I face is his total inability to be honest and disclose everything. Believe me I have tried hundreds of times and I've told him that I won't judge him, I just need all the truth.
His stories always change and I know that he is scared that if he tells me anything more than what I know, that I will leave him. So what do people do in this situation? If the cheating partner is not willing to ever fully come clean?
After the message I read a few days ago "he said that I will never let it go and he has been faithful the past 10 years". But reading something like that just brings the nightmare back to me. I can't help it... As much as I pray.
Thank you for your response😃

Re: unconditional love
So if I have chosen to stay in the marriage and keep our family together how do I deal with the issue of " unconditional love".
Do I simply tell him that I cannot give him unconditional love until he stops hurting me and starts giving something back to our marriage?
I have tried just "co-existing" with him but it is not a good solution IMO
I'm sorry, I'm very confused. This all sounds so practical but in reality I don't know how to apply it.

Your husband has an independent lifestyle and doesn't want to be honest.
I suggest you secretely install a "keylogger" program on the computer and spyware on his phone (if he doesn't have it password protected)
Also install a GPS unit on his vehicle

Thank you for your response. I looked into the phone spyware but his phone is locked. He takes the train back and forth to work and rarely drives. I will however look into the key logger you suggested. A lot of what I have found over the years was internet related.
Thanks again for the advice!

What you can do is have him take a polygraph test. Two days before the test, hand him a list of all your questions and tell him you are giving him one last chance to come clean before the test but that you expect him to pass it. What usually happens is they spill their guts after a couple of days when they see you are serious. [after initially trying to gaslight you out of your position.]

After you get the full truth, you can decide if you want to stay married. If you do decide to stay married, he would need to make a radical 180 degree change in his lifestyle. He would need to eliminate all social networking, all opposite sex friendships, become completely transparent and structure his life in a way that you would be completely protected.

I agree it is not a good solution to stay there under these circumstances. You only serve to enable him which hurts you and him and your children. Enabling helps no one. He is more vulnerable to an affair now then he was in the past so you know you are headed to another affair.

If you have chosen to keep your family together at any and all cost, there is no hope here because he knows he can do anything and you will do nothing about it. "Unconditional love" is agreeing to live with a cruel, abusive spouse who subjects you to adultery and lies as a way of life.

If that is what you are willing to do, then I see no hope here.

I would surprise him and take the phone and ask for his password. Go through the phone tonight and check out all his emails and texts and phone book contacts. Ask him for all his passwords.

You have a right to know everything he does and says, so this is information you have a right to have. If he will not do that, then you will know he is hiding something.