I am brand new to this forum and I am in need of guidance.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years and together for 12. This is my first marriage and his second. We have two children under the age of 10 and we are both employed full time. We have endured many changes in our life together and are currently facing several large hurdles both emotionally and financially. We have filed for bankruptcy and my husband is struggling with addiction and I am struggling with weight gain issues. We have moved three times in the last four years and are facing another move in the near future. We are riding a rollacoaster with no end!

Now I am seeking help because I am overwhelmed. I have a distrust of my husband because he seems incapapable of lying and no matter what I do to help it isn't right or good enough. My husband has sought help through a support group but is beginning to flail as the "newness" wears off and he has to start digging deep for his recovery. He eventually turns it into a situation in which I am the one who is causing him to be this way because I don't look like I did 10 years ago. I am trying to take care of our children, maintain a high stress job and stay strong for him when he falls or starts to fall into the pattern of hoplessness because of our financial situation. The self preserving side of myself wants to bail and run with my children but my pride says stay and finish what you've started. I am not financially independent so leaving will create a whole new struggle and my children are very attached to their father and I fear hurting them. Help.

Hi jc, welcome to MArriage Builders. I am not clear on what the issues are, though. Can you summarize the problem?


It this a typo? You say he is incapable of lying. Did you mean incapable of telling the truth?

Yes, I meant incapable of telling the truth. I was a little overwhelmed when I wrote this because there is so much I want to say but at the same time trying to limit it to the basic information.

Welcome to MB, jc.

What is your H's addiction?

Alcohol and prescription pills. He is currently in AA but is struggling still with the pills.

Does he have a sponsor?

Have you seen these?
Alcoholic Spouse #1
Alcoholic Spouse #2
Alcoholic Spouse #3

No sponsor yet. He goes to one to two meetings a week and has been going just shy of a month. He is reading the fundamentals book and hasn't had a drink (that I know of) since he started. I came home from work - he had the day off and was supposed to be watching our children - and he appeared to be "not all there". When I confronted him on his odd behavior he told me he was tired. My daughter came to me and said he had gone into the garage - his favorite hiding place - and came back out acting funny. I asked him if he was on something and he told me no. He continued to deny being on anything for the remainder of the evening, would not go to a meeting and evenutally fell asleep on the couch. When I asked him the next morning he finally told me he had filled a prescription. He told me to stop policing him and that a doctor told him he could take the meds so he was going to do what the doctor told him. I continued to argue with him that he was abusing the prescription and that it was a hard line for me. I asked him to turn the pills over to me but he refused and then finally gave me a bottle with caffeine pills in it. When I called him on this he gave up and "flushed" everything. He then demanded that I apologize to him for policing him.

I will read these now.

Jc, unfortunately, he needs to be policed because he is untrustworthy. Tell him this. I would get his pills and call the doctor and inform him your husband is an alcoholic. I would then pack his bags and tell him to get back in touch when he has been clean and sober for 6 months. This is hopeless otherwise.

Not only should you police him, you should DEMAND that he never take narcotics again. People who have nothing to hide don't hide.

Going to AA meetings while high on dope is really stupid.

"I would then pack his bags and tell him to get back in touch when he has been clean and sober for 6 months."

And what do I do to take care of my kids financially? This is the only reason that I am still under the same roof with him. I cannot provide for my children on my income alone. If he's out then I am too and with this bankruptcy on our credit I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Yes, he needs to sober up, but my priority is the security of my children. How do I insure that they have a place to live? My family can only help so much and they live several hundred miles away. I am not trying to sound na�ve but I have been weighing the lesser evil for a while now and I am truly without another recourse at this time.

He would still have to provide for your children.

Your husband will have to pay the bills, of course. He can't just stop supporting his family. You don't continue to live with an active addict just to get their support. He still has to support you and your kids.

I am surprised how many women don't know this but you can contact your local abuse shelter (they consider active addicts abusive) and they can offer you free legal services and a TON of support and help.

First of all, he can either continue to support you all on his own after you kick him out or you can have a free legal lawyer through said abuse shelter file an emergency temporary order with a judge (which normally happens the same day filed) and will order him by law to continue paying for all the bills. He will not be allowed to stop providing just as if he still lives there until a judge says otherwise.(Which would only be if a divorce was finalized)

You really do have the upper hand here.You are not risking your kids security by doing this.

If he is serious about winning you back, he will make sure to take care of his family. If he is not.. there are so many helpful resources out there for you...
first step, call abuse center!

I know it stinks, and isn't what you want to hear. It is however the best chance you have at him sobering up and saving your marriage. It is also the best chance for you and the kids if he wants to continue down this destructive path.

Thank you all for your input. I will seek the legal advice as recommended. I want to see him face this issue and realize what this is doing to our family. He is an in the moment type of person and I am one to remember everything. He seldom looks at his past actions and it is frustrating to convey to him that though today is good the ripples of yesterday have yet to pass. Talking it out with him has become futile at this point so maybe the aggressive action will make more of an impact. Do I involve his parents? They are aware of his addiction issues and are concerned about us all but are prone to protect their son first. I don't want to blind side them either.