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Same here, MMM. He makes no effort for 2 days and yet wonders why she doesn't want to give him what HE wants.
There is no attempt to make it better for her. There is no trying. No nothing.
As soon as you find a job I think you should get that move going. Kiss is just not getting it and I don't think he ever will -- unless you moving snaps him out of his me-mind.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
Same here, MMM. He makes no effort for 2 days and yet wonders why she doesn't want to give him what HE wants.
There is no attempt to make it better for her. There is no trying. No nothing.
As soon as you find a job I think you should get that move going. Kiss is just not getting it and I don't think he ever will -- unless you moving snaps him out of his me-mind.
I think Dr H knew that if left to KISS, the R would continue to be stalled out and the move wouldn't happen, RQ. I don't think he meant for you to work on it with kiss. He meant for you to go ahead and start making plans on your own, knowing that it may take a while to get everything set up.
He segue'd into separation in general after your segment on the radio show. Did you hear that part? It's not just about getting kiss to move, it's about getting him to realize that he needs to approach your marriage in a radically different way and if he won't, you aren't going to sit around waiting for him. My 2 cents....
I don't think you are LB with this education. It seems like you are just helping him meet your ENs that in turn will help you meet his. With, SF, I actually appreciate a bunch of "education" from my W. It's different then her educating me on how to do the dishes or take care of the kids. I see the results immediately, and I get something out of it too.
In HNHN, Dr. H recommends buying a popular book on SF. Any book, doesn't go into detail. I bought "She Comes First". The techniques in there can be difficult, but the concept is so easy...it's in the title. By putting my W first, it literally tripled SF for me. And, what used to take 45 minutes (or never) when I first read it, takes 15 now. Then...and only then...it's my turn. POSOM was never able to give my W her "F" so I find the mind movies don't bother me as much, knowing I'm doing something he didn't. Without recalling all the details of your sitch, is there any SF style that was saved from OW? You could focus on that till the mind movies fade.
You still need the UA time and be connected emotionally through out the day. But, if he learns how to handle the mechanics of SF so it's mutually enjoyable, I bet it'll be easier to get you in the mood. Does Kiss ever post anymore? Seems like he doesn't have to rearrange mountains to get what he wants. Put in 20 hours a week of pleasant UA time then everything else falls into place, even SF. What has to be done to make this happen? Where are his priorities? I'm getting mad thinking about it.
MMM, I can only hope that Kiss reads your post at some point and decides to help me with this this. I will check out the book. Kiss is not a reader but maybe it is something we can read together. Btw, kiss hasn't posted since March. He abandoned his thread while this very topic was being discussed.
I know kiss is frustrated with the hours that his job takes from us.
Karma & Susie- I am really trying to find something down there. I think it would be a lot easier to do if I was down there already, but I don't want to just wing it with the kids. It is just a hard decision as to where and when as I know the whole family wants to be in Florida. I will have to take DD down there 1/25 for the college program. Maybe I can look while I'm there. Heck, maybe I should work at Disney too.
That's a great idea! Look when you're down there, and maybe also look for a good place to stay unless you already had something in mind for after the move.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I thought you had a good lead on a job in NC. You don't have to restrict yourself to Florida.
xFWW(me)-48 Married-14 years D-Day~23-May-11 NC- 14-Apr-11 1 DS 15 Online course July '11 to July '12 17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12 Divorced Jan 21, 2013
UA time is lacking and something that has been discussed over and over here and I KNOW that we need it. But kiss' job gets in the way which is why we want to move but that hasn't happened so...well, here we are. With a problem that I feel is put on my shoulders that I can't resolve on my own.
Are you starting to feel like a broken record here?
You know what YOU have to do if YOU want your life to be fundamentally different or better.
Waiting around hasn't worked too well, and Lord knows you've given that a shot. You've been there, done that, and gotten several lousy t-shirts in the process.
It wasn't meant to be an insult, merely a friendly reminder.
I'd hate to see you disappear from here as I know that a decision of this magnitude cannot come easily.
Keep posting and ask the group to help hold you accountable and motivate you to carry through on this difficult decision!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
I have to be more action and less "talking" is what I meant.
RQ, I suspect your inaction is harder on you than it would be if you were engaged in some sort of moving forward. Limbo-land is a depressing wasteland...
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
Just wanted to post an update to those who have been keeping up with me. I actually feel better than I have in a looong time and I feel that it is because Kiss and I had an honest discussion about some unanswered questions about his A. I think it helped me understand and put to rest a lot and I am feeling emotionally closer to Kiss for talking to me about it. I feel that we have taken a huge step in being partners in our recovery and I feel ready to "let it go".
Something that I took away from our talk to pass onto to any newly betrayed reading here is that the fog is thick and it is real as Kiss said that he "doesn't know what I was thinking!". Also, Kiss said that it is sooo true what Dr Harley said about leaving the affairees to lovebust each other. It is then that they see the flaws of the AP and realize how stupid they have been to leave their families.
Anyway, Kiss and I are going away for the weekend and I am looking forward to a great time re-connecting with a man I am seeing with new eyes.
...it is sooo true what Dr Harley said about leaving the affairees to lovebust each other.
QFT. It took the other man shouting at my wife over the phone for her to realize what a bad idea keeping him around was. Prior to that, he'd always kept his anger in check with her. That made contract effect kick in, and she realized that by contrast I had never, ever shouted at her in a decade and a half of marriage. Her brain began taking over from the hormones on that day, and it marked an important turnaround: elimination of covert contact.
