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boo #2766141 11/15/13 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by boo
you will all be interested to know


Nope, not even slightly interested.

There's a drunk man on the corner I can listen to if I want to hear nonsense. I don't listen to waywards.

What are you doing about Plan B?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2766150 11/15/13 12:35 PM
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I told him he needs to move out. I would move out, but in my state it would be considered abandonment if the mother leaves. I told him that we would either get my cousin to be moderator between us for our child and everything else. the one problem we have is that I am using his vehicle because mine is broke. We are in big time finanical trouble and I have no money to get it fixed. I did attach a Petition for Divorce because like I said I am not sure I want this marriage to continue. He doesn't want help and he will never admit that he did anything wrong at all.

boo #2766161 11/15/13 01:32 PM
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It isn't satisfactory to base your plan on his unlikely ability to take honourable actions. I would change the locks and have his stuff delivered to a storage facilty or his relatives. You can have your Plan B letter delivered at the same time if want to send one. Otherwise it should just be a note informing him not to contact you directly.

But Plan B is a lot more than just getting him out. You are being attacked and all communication needs to stop so these attacks stop.

Originally Posted by boo
the one problem we have is that I am using his vehicle because mine is broke.


Surely it is yours too, you are married? Can't you just keep it for the children and let him get the other one fixed in Plan B.

Have you spoken to a lawyer about this? Have you made any Plan B preps? Can you do it asap?

Originally Posted by boo
He doesn't want help and he will never admit that he did anything wrong at all.


So? No one is concerned about him, Boo. We are concerned about you.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2766172 11/15/13 02:38 PM
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I am a paralegal and work for attorneys smile

boo #2766173 11/15/13 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by boo
I am a paralegal and work for attorneys smile
Good.

So do you have your Plan B letter written? When can you change the locks and have him out?

Your IM understands their role? I would email them the IM training link.

Tell us your plan.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



indiegirl #2766175 11/15/13 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by indiegirl
You are being attacked and all communication needs to stop so these attacks stop.
. . . No one is concerned about him, Boo. We are concerned about you.
x1000

JessicaClaire #2766183 11/15/13 03:09 PM
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Gave him letter, talked to IM and he did quit his job I am informed. I think I might have scared the hell out of him just now and showed him how serious I am.

boo #2766186 11/15/13 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by boo
Gave him letter, talked to IM and he did quit his job I am informed. I think I might have scared the hell out of him just now and showed him how serious I am.
He quit or gave his notice? How do you know this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2766187 11/15/13 03:16 PM
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I know because my IM told me and also because the other job just accidentally called me and because I facebook messaged a mutual friend who works at agency to make sure.

boo #2766190 11/15/13 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by boo
I know because my IM told me and also because the other job just accidentally called me and because I facebook messaged a mutual friend who works at agency to make sure.
Is he willing to meet any of your other conditions?

Write a NC letter give you a list and live wish EPs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2766552 11/18/13 12:36 PM
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So made it through the weekend. He sat down with me on Friday and FINALLY after 10 years told me he forgives me from the affair, does not hate me, but needs to figure out how to deal with the triggers. Now remember, he was working out of town for 5 years where his EA started. He just came HOME and started working in January in the same field, same atmospheres, etc. DAily reminders of my A. Does not excuse his behavior but if you take all of his stuff out of the equation I can see where he is coming from. Dr. Harley already told me that he never recovered from my A due to his leaving, etc. He has admitted that his behavior was wrong. He is willing to do whatever I think will help, he is leaving his job, I have access to everything, he will answer anymore questions I have and he is going to tell his female co workers to stop contacting him period. I have access to the phone bills so I will see when there is contact. He know he needs to work on his relationships when it comes to women. For some reason since I met him in high school, he has always been the one girls go to for advise, etc. He is trying to figure out why and he is setting boundaries. I was always comfortable with his relationship with our friends wives, etc. until we started to not have the same friends. So he changed his tune and seems to think he can now save our marriage.

boo #2766619 11/18/13 03:57 PM
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Boo- Show this list/ "contract" to your husband and see if he is willing to follow all of them. If he says no to any, don't bother trying recovery yet.

From this thread Extraordinary Precautions

When discussing EPs, Dr. Harley addresses that the following areas need to change:

A) Blocking all communication with Affair Partners (AP�s)
B) Accounting for all of your time
C) Accounting for all money
D) Spending your leisure time with your wife.

EP�s are put into place to protect your spouse.

Protection = Care

EP�s are also designed to ELIMINATE the opportunity to have a secret second life.

Ok, so let�s talk about two different categories you need to create in your list of EP�s.

The first category is a list of one-time EPs that you will need to make sure you complete quickly.

The second category is a list of EPs that you will follow for a lifetime.

So let�s start with the first category items.

(what follows are SUGGESTIONS, remember this is going to be YOUR list)


A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
B) Change email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.)
D) Take a polygraph
E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my spouse does not have and give to them (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
G) Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access.
I) Install a webcam/security cameras for while at work that my spouse can access.
J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
K) Sell the house/purchase a new one.
L) Sell any vehicle AP was in and replace them.

Some of these things you may have already done. But these are one time things that you set up and they stay this way with little or no maintenance.

Include completed items on this list as well as items still in process on your list.

A) I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I) I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
N) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
P) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
Q) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.

Use this as a starting point for working further on your EPs. Add and change items that suit your situation.

_________________________






boo #2766739 11/19/13 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by boo
So I listened to the radio question/answer. Though most of it was correct, Joyce did get some things wrong. I am dealing with a possible PA/definite (two) EA's when he worked out of town and now dealing a new EA at his new place in our town.

He did not write a NC letter to the OW and Joyce kind of blended the situations together. That is okay!

He advised that I need to contact OW husband and he also said that H needs to quit his job. So we shall see.
Have you contacted the OW's BH yet?

Is this your question?
Radio Clip of boo's question


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2798968 04/29/14 11:13 AM
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Hello Everyone! I am so sorry I have not been on here in a while and have not given an update. Besides all of the marital issues, we had some outside interferences. My 26 year old cousin lost her battle with cancer and I think I did mention that my daughter has health issues, so we had some things to deal with regarding my daughter. Sometimes life just gets hectic. I will not lie and say that all is perfect, but things are better. I did go through some depression from everything I went through the past 8 months and have some minor health issues I am dealing with myself.
Anywho, after my last post I sat down with husband and we began doing MB worksheets and communicating a lot better. Though he still has not admitted to anything inappropriate being done with co worker, he did admit to his former faults when he worked out of town. I still do not know what is true or what is false. I will never know. I have been checking his phone and he has not given me any reason to feel suspicious and most importantly my gut has not been talking. Unfortunately, I am having a problem the last week or so with the "past". I need to discuss this with him and remind him that even though it has been almost a year since I found the "smoking gun" (the sticky note)I am not comfortable with letting him back around this person, nor am I willing to let him be in same group setting (lunch, etc) with her. I probably will never be comfortable with it. One somewhat funny thing happened this past week that I find extremely wonderful (insert evil laugh). His one girl-friend at work who was giving him advise about our situation after it happened and telling him "the note isn't inappropriate, just friends, your wife is insecure..", well she broke up with her boyfriend and why...well because she thought that he was communicating with a female friend INAPPROPRIATELY....how ironic is that?!!!! I knew nothing about why they broke up and what happened until Sunday but the three days prior I received a card and a present from this female friend. The card read......"thank you for letting Danny be friends with me. I know how hard it is to let your spouse be friends with a person of the opposite sex and I am grateful that you allow him to be my friend." I thought it was really nice, but I thought it was odd, then I find out about what happened with her boyfriend and it all made sense. Right? Well it caused a big TRIGGER unfortunately. I couldn't hold my tongue last night and I said something and DH got really upset and yelled "well don't be her friend, I don't care..." He didn't talk to me anymore after that. I will not hold my tongue about things anymore when it bothers me. Right now he is at training and then he works all night and of course because of the trigger I am now back to wondering if she is there, if they are going to lunch, who, what, when, etc. I am learning to trust his judgment, but obviously that is what got him in trouble in the first place. He is a more of a if she doesn't know, it won't hurt her and I am more of the tell me all or you are lying. So I am waiting for him to text me when he is done with training and see what the lunch situation is and will react as I see fit. I do not feel that I am wrong in any way shape or form to tell him he cannot go to lunch if she is around. Am I? His excuse is they are all in a group and when the group goes what is he to do? They have to train together and be around each other and they all have the same friends. Her husband does speak to my husband a lot but I am still unsure if he knows or not. So there is the update. Hoping I can shake this trigger and move on. Things have been much better until recently.

boo #2798995 04/29/14 11:49 AM
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You are not following Dr. Harley's program for surviving an affair; Unfortunately, your marriage will probably get worse unless you decide to follow Dr. Harley's advice.

Jedi_Knight #2799014 04/29/14 12:42 PM
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Have you exposed? Is he still at the same job as the OW? What EPs are in place? I concur with Jedi Knight even though I hate Star Wars!

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