Will you listen to the radio show? I wouldn't have made it without the show.

I will listen to the radio show, downloading the app now.

How do I tell everyone we know my wife needs to stop talking to other men without her viewing it as an attack on her, without it becoming a HUGE love buster and without looking like a huge controlling a hole?

Have you exposed her previous affair?

Yes. She left me for him, had to break all contact and come clean to come back home. She did, has never made contact with him again. We didn't shout it from the mountain tops but a few of our closest friends and family know what happened.

Call on these friends and family to hold her accountable now. Accountability is one of the biggest reasons for exposure.

She is headed towards another affair, and she needs to be called on it.

These things must happen, or there is no hope for your marriage:
- Facebook must go
- Opposite sex friendships must go

It is critical to follow this program - right down to no contact letters, exposure, EPs, all of it.

Right now, she is in the position of knowing that she can do whatever she wants without consequences. She's acting like a bratty teenager and you're like the parent who is still there to clean up their dirty socks in the morning no matter what abuse is hurled... you have 3 children, you have to start being the leader here.

so even though there's no affair at this point, I should treat is like it is?

Your marriage never recovered from the first one - she is still acting the same way, doing the same things, it is only a matter of time (if not yet) that she pulls the same stunt again.

Ok. One of the HUGE red flags to me was when you said.. "Won't talk about anything, wants to find herself" the part about "finding herself" is the biggest red flag you have mentioned. My wife said the same thing.

Has your wife ever said "I love you but not in love with you?"

Have you spied on her phone? If not I suggest you place something in it to track what she says on her phone. I'm certain there's another man. Also from your description, it seems to me your wifes top need is likely admiration. Especially if she likes being center of attention. Meet admiration often and couple it with good convo and your wife will start to look at you in a different light.


In my situation, my wife didn't want anything to do with MB at the time just like yours. Mainly because I was suggesting it and trying to force the concepts down her throat as our issues escelated. My wifes addictions was MSN back in the day before FB became this popular and she too said I was controlling and she's gunna talk to whom she wants etc. So my wife suggested counselling after I complained a lot. I arranged it and we went but she found she didn't like how emotional it made her to relive all the past issues and didn't like the cost. So I brought up the MB subject again but only presented the article on POJA and said to her we could eliminate the costs of counselling by just beginning with poja and my wife read the poja article (finally I appealed to her sense of money saving) and a lightbulb came on in her head. It slowly developed from there. We stopped seeing a counsellor and took on MB slowly and my wife slowly let go of her MSN addiction as she began to realize the guys she was talking to only appealed to her because they opened up to her and I wasn't meeting those needs for her very well. I had a lot to learn on meeting her needs and eventually she dropped being on the PC alltogether once we started finding mutual things to enjoy together and one we plugged all the holes in our lovebanks.

What really hindered my wife was anxiety... She had good intentions much of the time but when anxiety would kick in (over loss of online friends etc or various other sources and anxiety triggers) the last thing she would think about was MB and anxiety would control her decisions. That was hard to cope with but is way better now that we are seeing a psycologist together.

If your going to see a counsellor... Find a psycologist instead. Counsellors seem to facilitate divorce and just say things that don't help very much at all. I would suggest coaching from here but you stated she's not interested in MB. You could always bring up the fact that following MB is cheaper than counselling too. Worked for me.. Just took longer to get my wife on board than I hoped.

I had to live MB myself for a long time to get my wife on board and many times it was one step forward and 2 steps back as I had my own anxiety problem that hindered me from following MB. Often anxiety leads to angry outbursts... Those don't help at all.

Alcohol supresses anxiety... So its no wonder your wife wants to drink. Possibly look into a bio feedback device like the GSR2 so you can practice controlling anxiety with it. Helped us lots.

Sum up

1. Your wife is getting her need for admiration from FB "buddies"
2. She is likely suffering from anxiety and doesn't recognize it as such so self medicates with alcohol on weekends to "get away".
3. Find a psycologist instead of a counsellor if you have to go that route. MB coaching is best, but a psycologist is better than a counsellor if your wife is unwilling to consider MB plan. At least until she can see the benifit of MB displayed by you.
4. Snoop.. Snoop... And snoop some more. Smile lots and begin a plan to give your wife tons of admiration I bet within a week of making convos about her.. And complimenting her and building her up she will slow down on FB.

MNG

Anxiety and clinical depression are known conditions of my wife. She is on medication and takes it regularly. I continue to snoop, and I'm now heavily involved in all the pages she's on on facebook. I know all her friends, they all know me. I make sure I'm at every party or get together and a few of the new friends know where our relationship is and where it was in the past.

Her counselor is a psychologist and a christian counselor. I've talked to her doctor also, and doctor says she needs to come in and have her meds changed but she is also unwilling to do that.

I haven't tried only introducing the POJA by itself. That's an interesting concept to consider.

Ok so your part of the conversations.. Have you ever asked her for all her passwords and offered yours in return? Do you read the private messages in her FB account?

DR.harley says that women are often depresssed because of relationships and men because of career. Suggest a camping trip where there is no cell service or internet. Or a romantic getaway and ask her to leave the phone at home so you guys can really sit down and connect emotionally.

Do you 2 get much time together?

In our home. No answering the cell phone or turning on PC til after dinner and chores are all done. This encourages everyone to work together to accomplish all that needs to be done before any recreational activities take place. TV is an exception because hockey is on every other day and we all love hockey so we put our jerseys on and cheer on the canucks!

I think admiration is the key here for your wife. Compliment her many times a day.. Use words she uses a lot back at her.. Gotta keep trying.. Get her out of the house and find something fun to do that will distract her from her phone.

MNG

When I did that... My wifes words to me were "I like it.. That's a double edged sword there"

It layed the foundation for us to move forward one step at a time when previously I was throwing too much at her at once. Gotta start with milk before you can chew on solid food...

I have asked for the passwords, asked to see the messages. In the past, it was an issue then not an issue, now it's kind of an issue. She won't give me her password to FB but she will show me everything, including the private messages.

She is definitely depressed, anxious and bored. I'm going to turn up the compliments, just going to have to be creative because right now, she literally does nothing for the 12 hours she's awake other than sit on FB.

I've suggested romantic getaways, weekend trips to her favorite places, dinner dates, movies, etc. The only time she leaves the couch is if a group of her friends are getting together. I did get her to have dinner with me alone once. She filled the entire time by checking her FB page and commenting on posts.

Going to try some more through thanksgiving and the weekend. Reassess monday.

Ok .. She's depressed. When your depressed your not enthusiastic about anything. Your job will be to man up and MAKE a romantic get away. Plan it out.. Get the kids to the grandparents or whatever.. And tell her "Hun, we are going on a getaway. I have made all the arrangements and got everything setup. All you gotta do is join me and put on something nice for the dinner it is all going to start at"

Being the man is sexy to women. You know your wife and what she "usually" likes.. Go with that and just do it. Even if its just dinner and a movie.

You be her rock.. Tell her your going to be. Tell her you want to be her best friend. Remind her of special times you used to have.. Bring her mind back to happier times and help her remember. Its hard to be motivated to do anything if your depressed and you can help her lift it and remember who she was and who you were when you got together.

Feelings follow actions. I promise. Sometimes it takes a while for it to sink in. But its worth it.

MNG

Another thing to remember is women are global thinkers and men are compartmental thinkers. Everything and anything you have ever said to her that's negative will be floating in the forefront of her mind especially if the atmosphere has a negative energy to it. By amping up the compliments and positive upbeat conversation (try and talk about her and her feelings) you will eventually replace those negative movies going on in her head with new positive ones. This will reinforce her in her mind that she married the right guy and those negative things playing in her mind will slowly go away. This will build her lovebank and self esteem.

If you are monitoring her FB via PC with a keylogger (desktopshark is a great one btw) then you should have her passwords. The fact that its "kinda" a issue to read her FB private messages is a redflag to me. People with nothing to hide. Don't hide.

MNG

I don't think she's hiding anything, as she's pulled away, she's talked a lot about being independent, making her own decisions, having her own stuff.

She's brutally honest, to a fault. If she were hiding, she wouldn't talk about it. She's told me she's not cheating on me, not hiding anything.

Just because she's told you she's not cheating does not mean you should take that at face value. Cheaters lie. Its better to veerify yourself

If I was cheating on my wife. I wouldy deny it up and down and then get defensive and angry at my wife for even suggesting such a thing. A common tactic of waywards.

Not saying she IS... Just saying to keep verifying. Blind trust has been the death of many marriages.

My wife also didn't want to give me her facebook password,,,,, turned out she was having an affair with someone on Facebook!