This is the first time in a forum. Need to talk to others. Feel helpless. Life a ROLLER COASTER. In nutshell...married 23 years with 3 children. I found out husband was having a 5 month affair 8 months ago. Woman 10 years younger...married with three children of her own. We remained together for one month...found out he was still with her. Kicked him out, served him with papers, and I told the oldest two children (15 and 18) that we separated because I believe that a marriage should be between two people. Their father has found another. I stayed civil and took the high road at all times. Once he was kicked out he of course was with her for 7 days...but then came back begging me for forgiveness. I told him that we need to remain separated, he signed separation papers giving me pretty much everything, and has been very empathetic and loving since then. She came back several times (sent a negative pregnancy test)...we survived. After 5 months I asked him to move back in. Felt i was safe that we were on the right recovery...she wasn't pregnant...etc. WELL...just found out that she is indeed pregnant. Even though she works in the same building she had been staying away since July. Felt it odd...so did some research. She is indeed pregnant. Only 2 1/2 months back into the house and I just don't feel I can deal with anymore pain. Feel I will never get away from this betrayal. Family thinks I was crazy to take him back to begin with...NOW THIS... I told him that I don't think we can work this out... He said...even after the 7 months of trying so hard? ARGHGHGHHGHG!!!!

During the initial month I took him back...we tried hard. Went to marriage counseling making progress. In fact, when I told the counselor he never left her he was in shock. Had no idea since he was being so honest and caring in sessions. Hmmm...

The email with the negative pregnancy test said, "This is my day today..." Never said she was pregnant. Why would someone do that? But then again...why would a woman try to remain with a man that broke it off with her in front of me on the phone. Even after being told he confessed to a priest and that we were going to marriage counseling. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!

Hi Newlife, welcome to Marriage Builders. Does this mean they work in the same building? Has the affair been exposed by you to her husband?

Yes. That was her last approach. When she sent the negative pregnancy test in June our counselor advised us to send her an email stating that "if you are trying to say you are pregnant, we will need a doctor's pregnancy test, etc." Well she responded with a very nasty email to both of us. Basically telling him how cruel he was...and giving me a sweet detailed message of why she remained with him. Giving me details of their affair; however, by that time husband told me everything.

In July she approached him with a "peace note." Husband informed me, did everything correct. Then there has been nothing else. Husband swears that he hasn't seen her.

But they work in the same building, right?

Have you told her husband about the affair?

I just kept having this rotten feeling in my gut. So I went searching on Facebook. Found the nice profile of her belly and her telling her friends that she was due in January. Informed my husband...he is still in shock...not sure of his feelings. This past Wednesday he sought her out. He said he could not tell if she was pregnant or not. But he asked her and she just said, "Yes, but I told you before I was going to handle it on my own." and walked away. She did indeed tell us that in the nasty email...but in that email she never specifically said she was pregnant either. VERY WIERD!

No...but I had my chance. My husband and I were back together at that point for about a month. We are retired military and I was driving on the military base. He is a gate guard and I saw his name. He saw my name on my military ID. I know that she told him about the affair because right after my husband came back asking for forgiveness...she sent him a desperate email trying to say that she left her husband too. Or should I say...she kicked him out of her parents house where her family was living....

Newlife, if you are interested in saving your marriage, there are some very specific steps that must be taken. Otherwise your marriage will not make it. The longer this goes unresolved, the greater the risk he will leave you for her.

First off, he must never ever have any contact with her for life. That means he works somewhere ELSE. Even if you have to move to another state to avoid contact, you must take extraordinary precautions to avoid any contact. Your husband is addicted to the OW and every time he sees her, his feelings are triggered, increasing the likelihood the affair will resume.

Telling you about contact does not solve the problem. He should shut off any and all avenues of contact, change phone #s, email addresses, even move if necessary.

The next key step is to expose the affair to everyone. Everyone should know: her husband, her family, friends, and the same on your side. Your children should know about the affair.

Exposure is critical because affairs thrive on secrecy. Keeping it a secret hurts everyone. The more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable.

These are all steps that are prescribed by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist, founder of Marriage Builders and author of Surviving an Affair. Those of us in recovered, happy marriages have followed these very specific steps. Those who don't follow these steps usually end up in disaster.

This is where I would start. When you expose the affair, put her husband and family members at the top of the list. Her husband needs to know so he can protect himself from your husband and his wife. Her parents should also be notified.

Please go read the exposure thread linked in my signature.

I know her husband knows. He tried messing with my husband at the gate when he tried to get through to work one day. Plus, when I went through the gate he saw my ID..said my name correctly (no one does) and then watched my car as it left the area.

I would find it hard to believe that her parents don't know. She is 7 months pregnant.

I agree about the lose all contact. I have asked my husband several times to change jobs. But he has a very good, high paying job. The counselor agreed with you at first...change jobs. However....after knowing all the details he has not been concerned with her working in the same building.

Lucky me...we have an appointment next Saturday with the counselor where I get to tell him she is indeed pregnant. After seeing what people go through with a baby in the mix...and all the pain we have gone through over the months. Not sure I can make it. I would love my marriage to work. But I just feel divorce is eminent.

That's great. Then it will be no surprise when you contact him. He needs to know that your H is still trifling with his wife so he can protect himself and stop your husband. He can be your greatest ally in keeping your husband away.


When you contact them, I would NOT say anything about her pregnancy. You have absolutely NO IDEA if that is your husband's child and should not claim unless you and your H are faced with a court order and a DNA test PROVING it is your husbands.

If she is not pregnant now, she will be soon by your husband unless you get serious and bust up this affair. They are STILL in contact.


The ONLY way your marriage will ever recover is if he leaves that job. There is no other way. Recovery of your marriage is hopeless unless your husband leaves.


I am so sorry but you are right. Divorce is imminent under these conditions. If you decide you want to save your marriage, though, we can help you. Unfortunately, the longer this goes on, the less likely you will have that choice. There have been so many strategic mistakes made there that I am concerned you have gone beyond the point of no return.

We can show you what to do if you want the best chance at saving your marriage. We have saved our marriages but you will not EVER save your marriage this way. It is impossible.

Have you considered working with a counselor who is experienced saving marriages from infidelity? Your counselor doesn't know that recovery will be impossible if they work at the same place. He doesn't know this, does he?

Also have you been tested for STD/I?

So you strongly believe that I am crazy in not believing they are still in an affair?

I served him separation papers and we lived apart for 5 months while going through counseling. Grant it...he came back after 10 days and we still saw each other...but we lived apart. He told me everything and he lets me check everything. I have even spied on him and there has been no evidence that they are still together.

What statement did you hear that red flagged you that they are still together?

See, you and your husband have not even taken Step one and you can't go to step two until you take step one. Step one is ending all contact for life with the affair partner.

Yes. I got tested and I made him get tested before anything happened again after he came back to me.

Thank you so much for talking to me tonight. I honestly feel I am losing it. Making all the wrong choices.

They work in the same building AND he even told you they spoke last Wednesday. I think counseling is really cute, but it is a distraction from taking the necessary steps to recover your marriage. You won't EVER - I mean EVER - recover with them working at the same place.

They have the opportunity every day to sneak off and see each other. YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW. He doesn't have to tell you anything.

We can help you!! This is tough but if you will stick with us, we can help you save this if it is not too late.

Thank you for this page. I can see why you believe this. As I just discovered her pregnancy on Monday... We have pretty much shut down communicating. We did finally talk today. He said he feels the pregnancy thing is so sureel that he really doesn't know how he feels. I have told him earlier and then again Monday night that I am honestly unsure if we can possibly remain together. Getting over the betrayal is alone very painful. We have also been really digging deep into our marriage and why the affair even happened.

I am now thinking I am naive that he has not physically seen her since July. I have told him this several times but...of course...he insists he hasn't. He has been so good at letting me know, telling me everything, letting me check up on him...not getting mad. That I just find it hard to believe that he is not telling the truth.