A little history on my marriage. We have been married for 16 years and have 5 children ages 4-15. We only dated 6 weeks, got married, got pregnant on our honeymoon....needless to say it has been a long, hard road. We are not a match made in heaven, but do have a lot in common. I love my husband and I know for a fact he loves me. This is my first marriage, his fourth.
He confessed to me about 4 years ago that an almost one year emotional turned physical affair took place about 8 years ago. Due to the 5 children and my love for him, I decided to stay with him and work through everything. We also have a history of him being angry and abusive.
Ok. All that being said, we are still not at a good place. To be honest, I knew not to marry him because there were things that he would say and do that just got on my nerves....he annoyed me. But I went through with it anyways because he had so many wonderful qualities.
So we find ourselves here today. Both of us are unhappy. I will explain where I am and then explain where he is at. My children and my duties as a mother occupy the majority of my time and energy. I am a stay at home homeschooling mama. So no outside occupation. I love my husband, but I am very independent, meaning I do not depend on him for my happiness. I find my fulfillment in all aspects of my life without any one thing outweighing the other. I choose to forgive my husband for all of his past mistakes. He has been on anti-depressants for a year now and it has totally transformed him. He is no longer the angry monster he once was, but the trust has been slow to grow. Ok, well, remember that problem of him doing things that annoy me.....that is still a problem. And he thinks I should just choose to think he is funny, play along with him, lighten up....ugh. He doesn't understand that I am not choosing to be annoyed or offended, this is just who I am!
He loves me and wants all of me. He totally regrets all of his past mistakes and has chosen to be a new man (with the help of and ultimatum from me last year and medication). He is no longer angry or abusive. I do not believe he will ever cheat on me again. He is incredibly needy...he is a self-professed co-dependent. He wants me to be intimately available to him, but only if I am willing to give him myself, in other words, he will not accept us just having sex, he has always been this way.....it has to be about me too, and me giving myself to him. So we haven't done anything for about a year and a half now. I think this void is causing him to be even more "needy", but it is like a vicious cycle.
I try to express to him the things that get on my nerves or are offensive, but he doesn't listen to me. He just gets his feelings hurt all the time. He is super sensitive, I am not. We have acknowledged for years that I am more like a typical guy and he is definitely more like a woman, wanting to cuddle, wanting tenderness, and such, ugh, it so does not come naturally to me.
When we talk about love busters, I point out all the things that he says or does that I feel needs to be eliminated for the feelings of love to grow, while he points out all the things I need to be doing. I try to explain that from what I have read, love busters are things that are said or done, not things that your partner needs to be adding in or doing more of.
I personally feel like if he will stop doing the love busters on my "list", I will desire to do more of the things he is wanting from me.
Please advise.
Last edited by timnlia; 11/17/13 09:46 AM.
