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Our counselor is a doctor in psychology and has had several years of marriage counseling experience. I am not sure why he has not pushed my husband in counseling sessions to get another job. The topic has come up with me several times. But the counselor said that if he is going to continue to have contact with this woman. He is going to find a way.
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Don't they work in the same building? And of course he is not going to tell you if he resumes the affair. As long as she is right there, he CAN see her and he just saw her on Wednesday so I don't know why you have such a problem believing this? As long as they work together they can see each other any time. And you would never know. Would you send an alcoholic into the bar and allow him to drink as long as he "told" you? Do you think he would still be sober? Even if he does tell you about their contact, that completely misses the point, because every contact will trigger his feelings for her. It is like an alcoholic having another drink. Telling you about it does not help anything. As long as they work in close proximity, recovery is impossible. I am sorry. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Our counselor is a doctor in psychology and has had several years of marriage counseling experience. I am not sure why he has not pushed my husband in counseling sessions to get another job. The topic has come up with me several times. But the counselor said that if he is going to continue to have contact with this woman. He is going to find a way. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to save a marriage from infidelity. Or he would tell you that recovery is impossible as long as they are in close proximity. "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide." Ask yourself if an alcoholic should stay in the bar because "he is going to find a way anyway?" Does that make any sense? Of course the alcoholic will find a way when he is triggered every day by the alcohol surrounding him. Dr Harley specializes in infidelity and has saved thousands of marriages going back 40 years and he will tell you that recovery is impossible unless all contact ends. And that is true. I have been here for 12 years and have never seen ONE marriage recover this way. But I have seen SCADS of divorces due to resumed affairs. We can't help you unless he leaves that job.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Some radio sessions with Dr Harley with callers who ignored this step: Case #1 "There is no hope of recovery as long as the affairees still see each other. No hope." ...........this next radio clip is the typical outcome when a couple does not move away from the OP. [when they live close by] This WH, Bob, and his OW lived a mile apart and the affair has been on and off for 3 1/2 years. The BW is now divorcing him and their little boy is severely depressed. This is what happens when one ignores Dr Harley's recommendations for NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. We have seen this happen over and over again on the SAA board over the years. Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: May 2013
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I agree about the lose all contact. I have asked my husband several times to change jobs. But he has a very good, high paying job. The counselor agreed with you at first...change jobs. However....after knowing all the details he has not been concerned with her working in the same building. ML, is right Newlife, your WH MUST change jobs immediately, it's unfortunate but under NO circumstance can your marriage survive if he remains there. He is probably still in his "fog" and until he gets completely away from the situation, there's a good chance he will remain in it. Seeing the POSOW at work, will only invite the thoughts that triggered his affair in the first place.
FWW, 36
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I would also add Newlife, that after my affair, my BH and I moved across the country, from where my affair took place.
Prior to our move, I was depressed an suffered extreme anxiety and panic attacks - (which Dr. H figured was actually an impulse control problem) we've been in our new home 2 1/2 months and I have had only ONE significant panic attack, ironically enough my psychiatrist of 10 years NEVER once suggested this might be my issue.
FWW, 36
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Our counselor is a doctor in psychology and has had several years of marriage counseling experience. I am not sure why he has not pushed my husband in counseling sessions to get another job. The topic has come up with me several times. But the counselor said that if he is going to continue to have contact with this woman. He is going to find a way.
No Contact is the most crucial step to terminating an affair. (I was in an affair; I know, 'cuz unfortunately, I've lived it.) And you know already that the mere fact of their being in such proximity on a constant basis is undoubtedly emotionally eviscerating for you. You know this in your gut.
So it's a good job? Worried about the finances if he leaves? Try this: Get on the internet, price our a pair of divorce lawyers' retainers, and recalculate the arithmetic based on what's left over after the settlement, factoring in the added, ongoing cost of a separate residence for him after you divorce. 'Cuz that's where you're headed if he keeps working there.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Our counselor is a doctor in psychology and has had several years of marriage counseling experience. I am not sure why he has not pushed my husband in counseling sessions to get another job. The topic has come up with me several times. But the counselor said that if he is going to continue to have contact with this woman. He is going to find a way. The entire point of extraordinary precautions is to make "finding a way" impossible. To concede on contact is the same as giving up on your marriage. Both mrs_cen and GloveOil are former WSs. Are you listening to them?
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Our counselor is a doctor in psychology and has had several years of marriage counseling experience. I am not sure why he has not pushed my husband in counseling sessions to get another job. The topic has come up with me several times. But the counselor said that if he is going to continue to have contact with this woman. He is going to find a way. Newlife. That is so distressing to me to read stuff like that. Both you and your WH need to change your attitude to one of finding ways to make continued contact IMPOSSIBLE and to shut down all the avenues that made the affair possible. That is how you recover...when you begin to actively protect the marriage and the feelings of your spouse. Think about what your psychologist has told you...common sense will tell you that it is wrong. How secure does this advice make you feel. I would imagine you must be a basketcase by now. Is this doctor wayward himself?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Our counselor is a doctor in psychology and has had several years of marriage counseling experience. I am not sure why he has not pushed my husband in counseling sessions to get another job. The topic has come up with me several times. But the counselor said that if he is going to continue to have contact with this woman. He is going to find a way. Both mrs_cen and GloveOil are former WSs. Are you listening to them? This is a critical point to understand. If there are any "ways" to continue the affair, they should be eliminated, not tolerated.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Think of it like this - do you think an alcoholic trying to recover should hang out in bars or liquor stores? After all, if they are going to drink, they are going to drink! What about a drug addict hanging out on street corners? Of course not!
It's absurd - part of recovery is removing yourself from the environment which triggers it. It's acceptable and logical for all other forms of addictive behaviour, why not this?
Last edited by alis; 11/18/13 11:54 AM.
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...part of recovery is removing yourself from the environment which triggers [relapses into the addiction]. It's acceptable and logical for all other forms of addictive behaviour, why not this?
NewLife, maybe thinkif it this way: You know that getting into a lifeboat after a shipwreck won't offer you 100%, mathematically-pefect assurance that you'll be rescued. After all, your lifeboat might get swamped by a wave; or the search-&-rescue helicopters might not spot you due to a fog-bank, and so you might drift out of the search area. But who, when faced with a ship that'll be at the bottom of the sea in an hour or two, would use that lack of perfect assurance as an excuse to NOT get into the lifeboat & thereby obtain the most plausible assurance?
Either someone who's clueless that the ship is sinking, or someone who prefers to drown, I guess.
By your counselor's logic, there's no reason for you to get into a lifeboat. I guess your counselor thinks that you can recover your marriage -- that you can feel emotionally-safe around your husband -- with him working every day in that building. Your "counselor" thinks a marriage where one spouse is in such close daily proximity to an affair-partner is a seaworthy vessel.
Well, you tell me... him & her, in the same building every day, a chance meeting away from sharing a glance, a word away from rekindling their relationship... only you can decide how you feel about that. Are you feeling up for a few more years of that? Is that what you think "recovered marriage" means? Your "counselor" apparently is inclined who's going to suggest that you just have to swallow it & get better at dealing with thatfear, and that you can't hope for anything better.
I put my own wife through that raw-fear-in-the-pit-of-one's-stomach mode, as long as I stayed in contact with the other woman. Our recovery took off when no-contact was in place. That's my experience, for you to take or leave.
I wish you well.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I insisted that we move after wife's affair and we had just built a brand new home together.
I still commute to the city where the affair took place for work purposes. I preferred to move thousands of miles away but employment, or lack of, made me work with what I could.
I recall the advice from the posters here...get out of the line of fire, create some distance between yourself and the scene of the crime!
YOU are not doing that. If your spouse continues to be in daily close proximity to the AP, one of two things will occur.
The affair will resume, or you will go nuts with the anixety and never feel safe enough to move forward.
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