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#2766538 11/18/13 10:59 AM
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I am a 46 yr old WW. I need help from former WS to help me. I know that I will take bashing from BS on the board and that is ok.

I have had several emotional and physical affairs. I am in week three of no contact with my affair partner. My husband knows the truth, the affair partner's wife knows. Exposure has been done. I know and understand that I have used affairs as a drug to feed my ego, to meet unmet needs, and I am ready to move past this in my life.

The question I have is how to deal with the pain that going thru the inital phase of no contact causes. I truly thought I was in love with this affair partner. We were involved in an affair for over a year. He was a huge part of my daily life. I was in constant contact with him. I allowed him to meet the needs that I should have allowed my husband to meet. The pain I feel is real. I just need to hear from other WS who made it through this part of the recovery process.

My husband knows I am struggling with coming out of the fog. I have cried at radom times, I am depressed, I can't eat. I have to believe that there are others who have had to live thru this that may be able to help me.

Please know that I am respectful to all the betrayed spouses on the board and realize that many think WS do not have feelings and emotions and that we have lived in a fantasy world. You are right, the affair was not reality. The feelings I have are based on the emotions of something wrong.

I truly want to live to see the recovery process work for us. I am willing to go thru whatever to do that.

Someone please give me some advice.

itsamess #2766541 11/18/13 11:11 AM
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I am not a former WW (or BW) but I can see from your post history that you have obviously had a false recovery and subsequent affair(s) since previously posting.

After your previous affairs, it seems boundaries/EPs were not adhered to. Aside from that, did you make an effort to fall back in love with your husband?

Yes, you are in the fog, but actively trying to love your husband is IMO a priority. Are you doing this? Or just lamenting OM?

itsamess #2766544 11/18/13 11:12 AM
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itsamess, there are alot of people here who can help you, but I would ask that you show a little more respect for the members of this board. Prejudging and dismissing betrayed spouses is insulting and unwarranted.

The help you need comes from Marriage Builders materials, and that can come from a WS or a BS.

Quote
The question I have is how to deal with the pain that going thru the inital phase of no contact causes.

Have you ended ALL contact with the OM? Is he anywhere close by? Where and how did you meet him? Do you have any momentoes or gawk at his facebook page? Do you TALK about the affair?

Other than that, you ride it out and replace that vacuum with a romantic, happy marriage. Can you or your husband take a week long trip together? That would be a great launch to your new marriage.

Another suggestion made by Dr Harley is to take anti-depressants. That will help you ride this out.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


itsamess #2766545 11/18/13 11:13 AM
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Who was the affair exposed to?

What has been done to affair proof your marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


itsamess #2766546 11/18/13 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
My husband knows I am struggling with coming out of the fog. I have cried at radom times, I am depressed, I can't eat. I have to believe that there are others who have had to live thru this that may be able to help me.

I am much more concerned about your husband. How is he doing? Will he come here and let us help him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Remember that no contact means NO contact - ML is right. Even looking at his FB page is breaking no contact.

Answer any and all questions your spouse has for you about the A. No lies and no secrets.

Be completely transparent in your communications, whereabouts, and any communication devices you have. Your H should have access and all passwords.

If you happen to work with any of the OM it is time to find a new job.

Work to meet your H's EN's and definitely avoid LB's.

Be patient. Your H is grieving and he needs ALL your care right now.

Replace thoughts of longing or withdrawal with thoughts about how you can help your husband, reminders that all those things that "felt good" were based on lies, hurt, and deceit, and willfully train your mind NOT to go there.

If you haven't yet, read Surviving and Affair.

Stay the course. You will feel emotional at times. You will feel the urge to be defensive at times. Keep your eye on the recovery prize and you HUSBAND in your focus zone.

Don't argue the minutiae. A lot of WS's on here get sidetracked trying to argue about whether the OP lives 150 or 60 miles away or whether or not they should have a joint facebook or no facebook or whatever....this is a waste of your precious recovery energy. Do what you KNOW from reading SAA and the articles on here that you should do. It really doesn't matter what color the OM's hair really was or whether you went to Chick Fil A on June 4, 2004 or June 5, 2004. Eye on the goal and not the rabbit chasing wink

Last edited by mozilla; 11/18/13 11:20 AM.
itsamess #2766549 11/18/13 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
I am in week three of no contact with my affair partner.

Huh?

Back in 2010 you said you and H were following MB...yet three years later you are/were still cheating, broke NC, are still fogged out???? dontknow crazy

Please stick to one thread. I have no idea what your story is but three years later... crazy


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
mozilla #2766554 11/18/13 11:38 AM
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Thanks so much to those who have posted! Yes, I have had several affairs, both emotional and physical. I had a false attempt at NC with the affair partner and a second DD three weeks ago.
Since then there has been no contact at all. The exposure was done with all our friends/family. I changed my phone number, don't have a facebook account (OM doesn't either), no way to see anything on social media. We have no chance of running into each other as he lives about an hour away. When we were seeing each other we had to make plans to see each other.
I have been honest with my husband and answered any questions that he has had. I have been understanding and haven't gotten defensive or upset if he has needed to talk about it.
I am on anti-depressants and have been for a number of years. This pain is real and hard. I seriously need feedback from those who have traveled this road. I see how easy it would be to try to contact him to relieve this pain. I do not want to do that as I know it will just set me back.
I have tried to think about all the hurt this has caused and the negative aspects of the situation but I also find it easy to only remember the way I felt during the emotional high of the affair.

itsamess #2766560 11/18/13 11:49 AM
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I see how easy it would be to try to contact him to relieve this pain.
It shouldn't be easy to contact him to relieve the pain if you have extraordinary precautions in place. If you think it would be easy to contact him, then something needs to change. In what ways would it be easy?

As for the pain of withdrawal -- yes it's real. Everybody here knows that, BS and WS alike. Detox hurts. But it won't kill you. The best way to get through it is to focus on building a romantic relationship with your husband. Let him replace the drug.

Dwelling on the pain of withdrawal, and blogging about how much it hurts, will get you nowhere. The more you talk about it, the harder and longer it will last. Stop talking about it. What are you doing for your marriage?




Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2766561 11/18/13 11:53 AM
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Here is the advice you were given in 2010:

Originally Posted by sexymamabear
You had affairs because you did not have boundaries to protect your marriage.

If affairs were all about unmet needs, then every BS here would have had an affair because there needs certainly weren't being met when their WS was sneaking around with someone else.

Don't make this into something more complicated than it is.

Affairs happen because people don't have the boundaries that prevent them.

itsamess #2766562 11/18/13 11:55 AM
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Do you have children? How long have you been married?

What is the story behind the Dday three weeks ago? What type of contact did you have with OM and for how long? How did the latest Dday happen?

Will your BH come here?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Prisca #2766563 11/18/13 11:56 AM
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What transparency are you giving your husband? Make it so that if you contacted the OM, your husband would know immediately.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2766565 11/18/13 11:58 AM
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What are you and your husband doing to rebuild your marriage? Are you following the Policy of Undivided Attention? If not, that could explain why you needed to be on antidepressants the last several years. The number one source of depression in women is their relationship with their husband or boyfriend.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have read through your threads.
You and your husband both live independent lifestyles and do not have boundaries around the opposite sex.
These conditions make it easy for you to have several affairs and your husband has had at least one affair himself. He also travels out of town for work.

In 2010 you started to read MB materials with him after an affair but stopped posting after a few months.

You have tried recovery your own way and it hasn't worked.
Are you willing to follow the MB program completely now?

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Thanks for the links Jedi.

itsamess, if you AND your H don't want to follow MB, then I suggest you file for D and be done with it. You don't have EPs is place and are a serial cheater...and you need extra, extra EPs!! Assuming what you say about your H is true, then he isn't interested in living an MB lifestyle either. You and H MUST be a team or this is NEVER going to work.

If you both don't want to follow MB and also don't want to divorce, then pretty much the solution is to stop complaining because YOU choose this life.

My two cents

Last edited by black_raven; 11/18/13 12:51 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Married 25 years, two children (both in college 22/20). The latest DD happened because my husband found messages on my phone discussing with a friend about affair partner. He then notified the OP wife. It was a mess.

Our last 15 years of marriage has been a vicious cycle of this and we keep coming back to each other.

itsamess #2766592 11/18/13 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
Married 25 years, two children (both in college 22/20). The latest DD happened because my husband found messages on my phone discussing with a friend about affair partner. He then notified the OP wife. It was a mess.

Our last 15 years of marriage has been a vicious cycle of this and we keep coming back to each other.

Would you like to be in love with your husband?
Have you written a No Contact letter to tge affair partner and shown it to your husband?


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Have you considered coaching with MB?

15 years of on/off cycle serial adultery is not a DIY project, you guys will need professional help.

I would love to help you but I think no matter what we say, the cycle will continue, will it not? I think you need to go pro with the Harleys.

alis #2766605 11/18/13 01:48 PM
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Is your husband still spending little time wth you because of his traveling job?


me, DH
all the children
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