Hello. It's to do with my husband unable to forgive me.We have spoken it out lots of times.... but at any point of disagreement,he brings it up vehemently and abusively.

The main issue being- We had decided to be "childfree" when we married.

The main problem is that this non-desire to have children on my part is "shameful" as the society sees it since I'm a woman. So he tried to maintain a pretence of "trying" in front of everyone . He never gave me an inkling of that gameplan. I really thought we were going to be straight with it and innocently told my in-laws. I may be stupid but I can't do anything to change that now.

Now his "game" and perhaps ego as a man is destroyed . I have probably done wrong but I'm stuck now. Everyday the in-laws
make a sour face and sit with weeping faces. It's emotional torture.

My husband is not on speaking terms with his parents either . His policy- give material comforts to them and he doesn't entertain further. He has told them to leave me alone.

But yet, they try speaking to him. "What about family?"... and he flares up wasting his and my time.

But when I told them the fact that I wanted to be child-free , I was crying (thinking that they think of me as their own child) .I even said suicide would be a better option for me and not to pressurize me so much. I love them and I will be like a daughter and look after them and him till the end. Even after their girl was so miserable, so suicidal and so
unhappy--- they still ask for a child?

And he isn't forgiving me and sex has started bordering on "marital rape". He is refusing to be pleasured . He only wants to pleasure me.And then when its time to be over he starts bringing up the issue of the why I told them. I try avoiding sex altogether now. I don't like this kind of thing. But he just keeps initiating it and towards the end the same thing.

He wants to have a child and then dump it on the in-laws and run away.I cannot have a child and then "dump" it on someone
for the sake of running away. I am childfree by choice.It isn't a question of doing the smart thing otherwise why would I make it so clear in the beginning and repeatedly.


He is miserable. I am miserable. He tells me leave and walk away. I can have a better life with a good job and in a better city where I will find my level of thought company. It is true that I have lost some respect for him because he cannot stand up for me. But, I also realize that his upbringing . Yet, he I guess loves me . He thought we could fly under the radar . But I destroyed that "game-plan". For that, he should have trusted me enough to tell me.

I'm unable to let go. This is my weakness.
I look forward to your help.

Welcome to MB.

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

I'm confused.

Your issues are-

Neither of you want children but he keeps telling his family that he wantsa child but you don't? Or does he want to have a child and let his parents raise it?

And that when you two have sex, he refuses to orgasm?

Thank you! Yes I have.. the first thing I did. I got some wonderful pointers from when to call it quits. But I hoped to get an opinion from someone with experience..I wrote a long story.... Was I wrong? Sorry if so....

kilted_thrower: Thank you for replying and sorry for the confusion

1. Lonngg before marriage I had communicated clearly about my childfree intentions. He had agreed.

2. His upbringing and family pressures say that a woman must have a child because that is her Godly duty.

3. When I still speak about being childfree, he says that he is still happy with just the two of us . But during phases of anger he calls me selfish for not wanting children.

4. He initiates sex as much as he would earlier. ***EDIT***

I don't understand this behaviour. Wanted an impartial view on it.Thank you.

It sounds as if your husband is deeply conflicted. He may have agreed that you would not have children without realising how his family of origin would react. Men do not have the same procreation urge as women and so he may have been quite happy about this at the time. But it sounds as if you have run into some deep cultural issues now.

And now this has damaged your marriage in a number of ways. How honest is he being about his feelings? It is possible for people to change their minds and you need to see if that has happened.

If he is still honestly ok about being childless, you will have to separate yourselves from his family of origin meaning that they will need to be told that you cannot see them at all until they change their behaviour.

If he has changed his mind, you are going to need to see if there is a way for you to continue to be married. Have you read this? Policy of Joint Agreement



It sounds as if your husband has developed a sexual aversion. From comments in your first posting, you may both have this. Take a look here Sexual Aversion As sex and procreation are intertwined, one problem may have caused the other.

Thank you living_well.

He hid the fact before marriage because marrying me seemed higher on his priority list. But I innocently told the family a few months ago. Now he is incredibly angry about it. He thought we could fly under the radar. I thought we could be upfront about it.But he never told me about his idea to keep it hidden.

Now he says I 'm selfish for not wanting children. I never hid from him my intentions ever and gave him adequate time to decide before marriage.

Thank you for both articles. I have read through them.

The topic on sexual aversion. It's from the woman's perspective. I do not think he would interested in trying any of that.

I'm on my own on this one. Is there anything I can do to make him comfortable like he was earlier?.

I don't want to leave without trying my hardest. I don't want to regret later that I did not give my all to save this.

Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

I would second this advice. You are facing two (related) issues and Dr Harley is brilliant at quickly spotting the core problem. Come back here and tell us how it went.

I third the advice to email the Harley's. This is not deciding where to go eat or where to go on vacation. Changing your mind about kids is a BIG, for-the-rest-of-your-life deal. You can't POJA having them and then re-POJA not having them when they are 4 years old or something.

The main problem here is that your husband is making disrespectful judgements of you. You cannot solve this problem together as long as the disrespect continues.

"On my own" doesn't sound like a marriage.

Have you read the Basic Concepts here? If your husband will not get on board with those, there is probably not much hope. The Basic Concepts spell out a scientific plan for a happy marriage, that actually works, including making decisions jointly and solving problems jointly.

Halloa!

All of you first - A huge thank you.

I'm honestly touched by the empathy. I expected a few people to chide me on the child-free choice as I have become accustomed to in people around me. I really appreciate the fact that you guys realize that although many of you may be parents, I have not hidden myself by being so clear from months before marriage and now its not right that one have children under pressure.

I am not in the USA so radio talk show I guess won't be possible. Can I still email Dr. Harley? That would be swell.

I realize I'm getting disrespected although I have tried to find out all the aspects.

I just want to know that I tried my best before giving up. I alone try for it . Ah no, he won't do anything like counselling. It's unmanly and odd.

He is content being in this manner and still married. Here nobody really divorces although it may be a terrible marriage. I want to aim for a good healthy marriage or none at all.

Yes, you can still email Dr. Harley. They take emails from all over the world.

Do not, under any circumstances, give in on having a child if you do not want one. It would be a sacrifice on your part, and bad for your marriage.

If he is okay with being child-free, but is feeling pressured by your inlaws, you may consider moving away from them.

It sounds a lot like he has a problem with Radical Honesty. When we are Radically Honest with our spouses, they are fully aware of our thoughts, feelings and plans.

You are not. I don't think you are even sure whether HE does not want a child or whether he simply doesn't want to stand up to his parents about it.

Significantly he kept you completely in the dark about his plans to handle things with his parents deceptively. I believe he simply wanted to do it his way and was scared you wouldn't agree. That's his way of avoiding having to PoJA decisions with you.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting a child IF we are RH up front. Your husband is not RH and that's where the problems have come in.

He won't make joint honest decisions with you which has left you blind and blundering in front of his family. On your own.

When the two of you make decisions he needs to a) be honest about how he feels about it b) be honest how he is going to do it and most importantly of all c) stand up for you!!!

It is absolutely no use at all if a man agrees to things with his wife and then goes and undoes the agreements when he talks with others.

That won't work and you need to make that clear.

I'd also be very unimpressed with the anger and lovebusting. Like a toddler trying to cover up his mistakes.

Thank you !

@ Prisca: is this the right mail id ? JustUss2@aol.com

@indiegirl :

You make a valid point. The problem is I have dug this grave on my own. I have depressive and low self esteem phases where I get clingy.

I think he is confused too. He thinks he is doing the right thing by asking me to have a child because I'm not making progress in my career either. He isn't adamant on a child but he is right I ain't doing anything about the career I supposedly am trying to have.

We live in a society where you have to be something . Either mother, career woman or both. There is stigma associated with childlessness.

But this is wrong. Cure for depression is not replacing it with force. I'm scared to be alone. That's making this whole thing so dragged out.

I'm not able to find the strength to speak my mind and face the consequences. I am oscillating so much that I even said I want to be a mother today. My mind isn't stable. Inside I know I want to childfree.

I have sent the mail.

Dear, use mbradio@marriagebuilders.com as the email address.

I just want you to know I'm following your thread and thinking about you! ((((hugs))))

The people pressuring you aren't the ones who will be doing the day-in-day-out, lack of sleep, give-up-your-life child-rearing work. YOU WILL.

It never ceases to amaze me how people try to control others, try to force them into life-altering decisions when THEY aren't the ones who will be affected by the outcome! I admire your ability to be honest and continue to communicate to your husband how you really feel. You've got the makings of a great marriage - if your husband will get on board with the concepts.

Have you shown him the website? Has he read any of the material? If he shows a willingness to learn, you've got a chance at a fantastic marriage.

This greatly concerns me. I am worried for your safety.

You are not safe in a marriage where your husband is forcing you to have sex with him.

Actually, I don't think your husband needs to "forgive" anything. He needs to stop being controlling and abusive.

Do you think he would read the material here?

You may not want to show him the forum yet, as he may punish you for trying to get help. Safety First!

Thank you again.

@Zhamila :I sent it initially to the wrong mail. Now I sent it to the mail you wrote. Thank you for thinking about me. It means a lot to me.
My husband would laugh in my face if I showed him this. In our culture men do not do counselling.

The thing is it is a value issue. A woman's duty is to bear children. Otherwise he feels he is living in sin. That is why he refuses pleasure and instead is content in giving me oragasms if I do not want children.

But neither can I live through life listening to how much of a pathetic woman I am for bring the way I am. I never led him on is my only contention.

But he says that I believed in that because I was depressed and afraid of my own shadow. I was. And still am. But I do know I did not wing that in the air. I really think its totally unfair to have a child I do not want.

He initiates sex and then asks me why do I open my legs for him???? I do not understand this at all. I did not know that sex is meant only for procreation.

I have already medically aborted once which made me feel miserable. I would love to be completely abstinent rather than go through such things. I know what I'm sure about and this whole thing is going just wrong. Why would someone marry you thinking you would change your mind?

And then try to make you feel that you are a worthless woman? That you do not deserve love ?
That makes me sad. Again we struggled hard to get married and now I feel like everything was a sham.

He is miserable and I am miserable too. I love him too much to give him misery. I desperately look for a solution otherwise I am willing to leave too.