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My husbands job is not a traveling job but his job requires alot of time at work during the "season".

Yes, I would like to be in love with my husband. We have spent alot of years brushing trouble under the rug and never getting to the core of the problems.

I posted here today in hopes that someone who can remember what it is like to feel this empty void of coming out of the fog could help me.


itsamess #2766611 11/18/13 02:35 PM
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There is no way out of your pain other than putting one foot in front of the other, and by doing something. Each day you heal your BH by your actions. Feelings Follow Action!

Stop sulking in your own pain ... you made that pain yourself. You chose this path.

I think you need to contact Dr. Harley ASAP. The bad habits and marriage wrecking choices will be difficult to overcome. You need an accountability coach.

First off you need to start taking action. Have your BH post here. That's one way to get the ball rolling, and give you some accountability. Next you need to tend to his wound, and start developing a plan to eradicate your SSL.




Last edited by HomeSweetHome; 11/18/13 02:36 PM.
My4Loves #2766612 11/18/13 02:39 PM
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I posted here today in hopes that someone who can remember what it is like to feel this empty void of coming out of the fog could help me.
Did you read what I wrote?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

itsamess #2766613 11/18/13 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
I posted here today in hopes that someone who can remember what it is like to feel this empty void of coming out of the fog could help me.

I remember it. It sucked.

But people have already given you the solution. You need to take the steps necessary to recover your marriage and fall in love with your husband. People have already given you some good advice on how to do that. Are you willing to follow it?

It's really pretty simple. Instead of sitting around moping about how much you miss the OM, you focus on creating an affair-proof, romantic relationship with your husband where you are both in love with each other and meeting each other's EN's. If you are in love with your H and he is meeting your EN's (and vice-versa), there will be no reason for you to continue pining after the OM.

Action is the key here. Get busy. I haven't read all of your previous posts, but from the sound of it, you have a lot of work to do. The busier you keep yourself by doing that work, the better you will feel.

How is your UA? The more time you and your H spend together right now, the better.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
writer1 #2766618 11/18/13 02:51 PM
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My husband and I have been spending every minute outside of work together. Most of the time alone. I have developed something very similar to social anxiety and almost get into a panic when I have to be around friends and people who know about the situation.

I am trying very hard to stay focused on building that relationship back with my husband. I do not want to feel this way.

It seems that every turn in my day remind and trigger me of the OM. He was very seeded in my daily routine. We stayed in constant contact by text.

My work is very flexible and I have alot of down time. This is the worst part.

I am trying to keep busy and not dwell on this. There are times when the wave is so strong and tears are constantly stinging the backs of my eyes.

itsamess #2766620 11/18/13 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
My husband and I have been spending every minute outside of work together. Most of the time alone. I have developed something very similar to social anxiety and almost get into a panic when I have to be around friends and people who know about the situation.

I am trying very hard to stay focused on building that relationship back with my husband. I do not want to feel this way.

It seems that every turn in my day remind and trigger me of the OM. He was very seeded in my daily routine. We stayed in constant contact by text.

My work is very flexible and I have alot of down time. This is the worst part.

I am trying to keep busy and not dwell on this. There are times when the wave is so strong and tears are constantly stinging the backs of my eyes.

You seem to be falling into the classic wayward syndrome of "But what I had with the OM was so much deeper and more special than what everyone else had."

I was literally in constant contact with my OM too. Dozens of texts and phone calls everyday, all day.

And you want to talk about triggers? I had a child with my OM. I can't imagine a more emotional, impossible-to-escape-from trigger than that.

If you're intent on sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in your own misery than so be it. No one can stop that except for you.

And merely spending time with your H isn't enough. It has to be quality time, alone, meeting each other's most important EN's. I know someone mentioned the possibility of you and your husband going on a trip together. I would highly recommend this.

Getting your H on board with MB would be immensely helpful. Does he or will he post here? My H has never really bought into MB, and it certainly has made things more difficult.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
itsamess #2766621 11/18/13 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
It seems that every turn in my day remind and trigger me of the OM. He was very seeded in my daily routine. We stayed in constant contact by text.

I am trying to keep busy and not dwell on this. There are times when the wave is so strong and tears are constantly stinging the backs of my eyes.

dramaqueen Im sorry but that is so disrespectful to your husband. He is the one who was was stabbed in the heart and deserves your tears, not some sleaze ball who will bang a married woman!

What are you doing to show your betrayed husband that you are worth a second (third? fourth?) chance?


itsamess #2766628 11/18/13 03:11 PM
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That time you spend together - is it free of distractions? No TV, no pagers, no kids, no internet, no friends? This time will not work to repair your marriage if it is not spent giving each other your UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. You can't give undivided attention if your attention is divided. smile So don't count every minute you spend together in life - your attention is usually divided during that time. Instead, SCHEDULE fifteen hours a week and SPEND that time giving each other your undivided attention.

Is the time spent meeting the four intimate emotional needs that Dr. Harley lists? (conversation, affection, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment)

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair - the new version that came out this year? Have you read it? Has your husband read it?

Last edited by markos; 11/18/13 03:20 PM.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
itsamess #2766629 11/18/13 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
I am trying to keep busy and not dwell on this.

That won't work.

Did you read my other post, about how you need to set it up so that if you contacted OM, your husband would know?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
writer1 #2766630 11/18/13 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by writer1
Getting your H on board with MB would be immensely helpful. Does he or will he post here? My H has never really bought into MB, and it certainly has made things more difficult.

If your husband will not get on board with Marriage Builders, if he wants to cut corners and compromise the practices here, then you need to begin preparing for a separation.

Even if you are a wayward wife.

Don't take it from me - this is exactly what Dr. Harley says. A marriage cannot be repaired if the husband tries to leave it up to his wife to fix all the damage, or wants to continue to live an independent lifestyle within marriage.

After three years I would expect your husband to show some Marriage Builders involvement - especially given that he has had an affair of his own!

If your husband will not get involved with you in repairing your marriage, it would be kinder to him and better for your health for you to separate, than to suffer for years in a neglectful marriage and continue to live a lifestyle where you put yourself at risk of an affair.

PLEASE get the book Surviving an Affair, read it, start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show DAILY and start putting these principles into practice. They are going to begin with you establishing extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair and demanding that he do the same.

FREE COUNSELING SESSION DAILY - DON'T PASS THIS UP:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
itsamess #2766670 11/18/13 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
I truly thought I was in love with this affair partner.

You were, at least if yours was a typical affair. It will not help anything to try to pretend that you didn't feel romantic love. Most people in affairs do.

The thing you need to understand is that creating romantic love is relatively easy. That's why you find it so easy to have an affair. Every single day hundreds, thousands of people do the right things and fall in love with each other. Take the right actions, and love is the result every single time.

When people fall in love to each other and they are married to someone else, it's a tragedy. It's the most painful thing they could possibly do to their husband or wife. It's terrible for their children - not just emotionally, but for their long term success in life. It really does rock the foundation of the world. And of course the truth is that it's not any good for the person having the affair. It is very much like a heroin addiction - it seems wonderful, but you know it's wrecking your life and the lives of those around you, but you just can't seem to stop.

And it's completely preventable. Learn what things create romantic love and DON'T do those things with anybody besides your spouse. PLUS, insist on doing those things with your spouse!

Don't try to pretend you weren't in love and that you should be able to get by fine in marriage without love. Learn how the feeling of romantic love is created and destroyed, and use that information to avoid creating that feeling with anybody besides your spouse. It's not magical. It's not something that "just happens" to you that you can't help. It is completely controllable in the sense that if you do these things with someone you WILL fall in love with them, and if you avoid those things, you will NEVER fall in love with them.

If your husband will not get on board with creating a relationship where the two of you do these things with each other and nobody else, it would be best for you to separate from him. It is a last resort that he may respond to - and if he won't, your marriage has no hope.

Please read Dr. Harley and Dr. Chalmer's description of how their marriage therapy is different from the mainstream:

Romantic Love: Is It a Realistic Goal For Marriage Therapy?

This is not a place where we "recover" from affairs by pretending we were never in love with our affair partners and trying to learn how to live in a marriage without romantic love!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2766687 11/18/13 10:48 PM
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Look at this way. If you stick to no contact for 30 days, the feelings will dissipate. Dr. Harley says this, and he has worked with thousands of couples, so he knows the patterns.

In addition, if you spend AU time with your husband meeting each other's needs, you can rekindle the flames.

As ML said, take a one week trip together. Dr. Harley recommends couples in reoovery take a long vacation together, even longer than 1 week if you can get off work that long.

When my wife and I recovered our marriage, we went on a cruise together and had a great time. We dated, went out often and did the fun things we had stopped doing as husband and wife. We got our relationship back on track. Try it. If you do, you will be able to get the POSOM out of your thoughts faster than you think, and maybe even rekindle the flame with your husband.

But you both have to buy into MB's.

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Thank you to those who have posted. When my husband had an affair many years ago, we reconciled because I changed and tried to do all the things I needed to do to meet his needs.

We actually separated in June of this year. I left under the pretense that I was unhappy and that he hadn't met my needs. The truth was that I was in the middle of an affair and in my mind I planned to be with the OM. Then, the affair was discovered by the OM wife and she notified my husband and the affair was exposed widespread. The OM tucked his tail and threw me under the bus. I didn't talk to him for a week or so and then he contacted me and little by little wormed his way back into my life.
In July, I went back home because I panicked and was scared. The 20 yr old daughter had sided with her dad and I was in sheer panic mode of losing everything I had (including my husband). The only way he would allow me to come home was under a strict set of rules that he set. He basically said that he had been a good husband to me and had loved me the best way he knew how and that it was up to me to repair the marriage. I tried but quickly grew resentful of all that I was expected to do. AND, of course, I was being brainwashed by the OM thinking that it was just a matter of time before he left his wife and we would be together.
The affair became physical again and in Oct. I left home again under my husband constantly asking me to leave because I was not meeting the requirements of what he asked me to do. During the time I was gone from home the OM wife had asked him to leave because they were fighting all the time. The OM and I were seeing alot of each other and I was pressuring him to make a decision. He kept stalling and making excuses. For whatever reason I didn't want to see that he was having all his needs met the way it was and didn't plan to change.
The end of Oct. my husband discovered that OM and I were still involved and exposed to his wife. The minute she confronted OM he went back. My husband and I went to attorney office to file divorce papers. During the meeting I had a panic attack and left the office. The OM wife called me and threatned to sue me for AOA. My husband was also threatening the OM. The OM called me and all he could do was beg me to keep my H from suing him.

I begged my husband and promised the moon to get him to allow me to come back home. I came back home under the same rules I did before. It is up to me to FIX our marriage. He constantly says "because of all you have done to me" it is your responsibility to fix it.

It has been three weeks since I have had contact with the OM. I truly do want to recover my marriage. I am tired and emotionally and physically exhausted. I am not, in any way, taking anything away from my H. I know I have put him thru HELL. I am willing to do the work with MB that it takes to recover. I believe whole hearted in this system of marriage recovery. My husband just believes that because I messed it up, it is my job to fix it.

itsamess #2766736 11/19/13 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
I begged my husband and promised the moon to get him to allow me to come back home. I came back home under the same rules I did before.

You promise him the moon and then you whine about how much you miss OM. I am sure you have either given your H no JC or some half [censored] version of it. And this is chance #?????????

Quote
It is up to me to FIX our marriage. He constantly says "because of all you have done to me" it is your responsibility to fix it.

And I would agree with him. That is not to say that your H doesn't need to clean up his side of the street but you are the one who cheated and lied REPEATEDLY. I was married to a serial cheater. There is a special level of effed upness with serial cheaters. I can't say I blame your H for wanting you to fix what you broke. Regardless of what he does or has done, you do not have to keep being dishonorable and pathetic. If this is H's way to test you (it may not be...he could be lost himself), you are royally failing.

Prisca, asked you multiple times if you read her posts. I have the feeling you just want to have pity parties and cry about OM and YOUR pain...that your H's HELL is secondary and maybe you will show care for him when it is convenient for you.

And good for your DD20 for standing by her father...she should.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I totally get where you are coming from with your comments regarding my posts! If you were married to a serial cheater it becomes very hard to be objective in your advice and opinion.

Yes, I have read all the posts here. I have not picked out certain ones to read or take heed to.

I do not want to have a pity party for myself. I say every day to myself, "you did this to yourself, your wounds are self inflicted, you do not deserve to feel bad or hurt or sorry for yourself". I wish that would work in taking the pain away from me but it doesn't. Yes, it is evident that I made terrible choices. It is evident that the OM lied and manipulated me to his advantage. I am just as much a POS as he is.

Trust me when I say that I feel one of the biggest obstacles in repairing this marriage will be my ability to forgive myself and allow myself to think that I am worthy of the love my husband has for me.

itsamess #2766755 11/19/13 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
I totally get where you are coming from with your comments regarding my posts! If you were married to a serial cheater it becomes very hard to be objective in your advice and opinion.

Having been married to a serial cheater has not affected my objectivity, advice or opinion. Unfortunately, I do know how much more difficult it is to recover with one. Dr. H acknowledges this as well.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
itsamess #2766757 11/19/13 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
Trust me when I say that I feel one of the biggest obstacles in repairing this marriage will be my ability to forgive myself and allow myself to think that I am worthy of the love my husband has for me.

This says a lot. Good luck to you itsamess.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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If you are a serial cheater and only a few weeks out from yet another D day then I would suggest that you don't really understand what your actual obstacles to recovery are - after all, you are still being quite foggy here. I'm not a BW or WW. What the BW says, even those with serial cheats, is correct.

It's a cop out to try and claim that they are not objective. I would suggest that YOU are not objective here.

itsamess #2766775 11/19/13 10:03 AM
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"I totally get where you are coming from with your comments regarding my posts! If you were married to a serial cheater it becomes very hard to be objective in your advice and opinion."

If someone was married to a serial cheater then they have EXPERIENCE and wisdom that you need. Do you tell a master mechanic who fixes cars all day that "it is very hard to be objective in your advice and opinions?" Of course not.

The only person on this thread who is not objective is you. Please try to be more objective and stop rejecting good advice based on foolish stereotypes. Your bias is becoming a hindrance.

You do not need to "forgive" yourself, you need to change yourself.

And I agree that self pity is not helpful. I would lose that line of thinking quickly. Stop talking about the OM and start focusing on ways to change your lifestyle and make amends to your husband.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


alis #2766777 11/19/13 10:04 AM
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I am serious about trying to recover my marriage. I desperately want to seek the advise of people here and Im willing to do whatever to make it work

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