My husband and I have been through three marriage counselors and one MB program.

I cannot even stand to be around him, let alone bring myself to fill his needs for Affection and Sexual Intimacy. Not even Conversation or Recreational Companionship. I feel contempt for him that I don't know how to will away. Everything that he tries (and he tries to do what he can) just makes me think "too little, too late". I don't know how to go through the motions of beginning to fulfill his needs when I don't even want to be near him. I just don't like him. I definitely don't love him.

I've spend enormous amounts of energy buying and reading marriage books, signing up for counseling and classes and whatnot. I don't have that energy anymore. I don't even want to try.

I think about all of my needs and I don't want him to fulfill any of them except for Family Commitment for the sake of our son. He does an excellent job at that, at being a father.

I've never really been happy in this marriage, but now it is just intolerable, and the idea of living in this intolerable situation for the rest of my life makes me cry myself to sleep at night and on the way to work. I feel like a simmering ball of resentment. If I had an opportunity for an affair I feel like it would be very easy for me to go on that path. I'd jump at the chance to kill this marriage for good and to feel something that I've been craving for years.

The only thing that makes me want to stay is that I love the idea of being married to the father of my child and having our son live in an intact household. But when it comes to the man himself, there is nothing. Or even worse than nothing.

I guess what I need to know is if there is any hope for saving a marriage when one spouse feels like this. If not, how do I convince him to separate peacefully (he is in denial every time I bring it up). If so...how do you overcome contempt?

This is your problem. You are not spending time together.
You should be spending 15 hours a week together , alone and without the child

Here is another problem, masturbation.
MB principles is Sexual Exclusivity. Your only sexual gratification should come from your husband.

Was this not covered in the course you took?

I suggest you try the MB Coaching program.

If you follow the principles taught in the course you would be romantically in love

Why aren't you following them?

Any time I spend with him makes me dislike him even more.

15 hours a week (which we cannot afford any babysitting or board games or anything other than keeping a roof on our head), sounds counterproductive.

We are living in a horrible state with a horrible cost of living and we have no friends or family to watch our son. We had to move because he can only live in places where there are "waves to surf". Both of them happen to be HCOL areas.

Is that really the answer? We tried to enforce it for a few months but it made me feel hugely resentful that what little free time I had was spent sitting down with him doing nothing.

I feel like the only thing that could save this marriage is space, and a whole lot of it.

Yes, I have put this into practice. I would prefer to be celibate in every sense of the word than have sex with him, and so I mostly am.

Except for every week or two when I do engage in sex with him.

You have had NO Undivided Attention time together.
UA time is couple time.
I'm a single father of 3 kids. I'm familiar with babysitting issues and I'm confident you can get a babysitter.

I followed them from February to October and it has not worked. I just feel more resentful than when we took the class. He was trying to meet the needs he could with the funds that we have. None of that brought back any romantic love. It did help me feel some bland affection for him sometimes.

My most important needs are going unmet although his are fairly easy to meet. I no longer want to meet his needs, and he can't meet mine. Not for at least another two years.

And there are plenty of low cost dates possible.
When planning a date, do something both would like to do.
On the Archive area of this forum (scroll to bottom) they have t hreads with 100s of dating ideas for little or no cost.

You alao have the Recreational Companionship surveys available to fill out and come up with ideas

No, you have NOT followed them. You previously stated that you have NO time spent together as a couple (without the child)

Why can't he meet your needs for 2 years?
What are your top 5 emotional needs?
He can't meet any of them?

Please explain. I am open to suggestions.

Our UA has been from about 7-11 each night after our baby goes to sleep.

You did a MB program? Was it the online program? Did you have a coach?

Dr Harley does not consider that UA time. Technically you haven't had an hour of UA time probably since the child's birth.

UA time should be spent together doing things you both enjoy, when yiu feel good and are at your best. The same way people do when dating. On a date I wouldn't invite a woman over to eat nachos and watch TV. I would shave, dress nicely and go out and have a good time. That's what UA time is. Dating and meeting emotional needs while at our best, not at night in front of the TV

Why don't you try the MB program for 3 months?
Dr Harley states (and his track record indicates) that you will be romantically in love if you follow his program.
Can you ask your husband to come here and post?

The forum can help guide you daily and you two could turn this around

It was an in-class program in my hometown with our pastor and wife as the coach.

Long story:
Moved away from family and friends so he could be by surfing (following POJA). He found a job surfing that made next to nothing. He took it because he says he couldn't find anything else.

I found a full time job making 35K outside my field, which is little in such a stupidly high COL area. Put my son in daycare which I hated to do. Between the two we have no money left. And we shop at goodwill, have dumb cell phones, old cars, etc.

We worked opposite shifts: I worked M-F and he worked S and S. Fit those 15 hours a week in the evenings. Usually playing cards, reading the Bible, or coming up with conversation topics.

It wasn't working and I had *enough*. Told him I want a divorce. He agreed to quit his job so we could have weekends together and save on daycare. He is going back to school next fall for a year long program that should land him a decent job.

That was two weeks ago. I feel like it was a mistake to let him quit a job he loves when I think I'm already past the point of no return.

My five:
1) Financial support (unmet, he's made a recent decision to try and meet)
2) Family Commitment (he meets except for being a spiritual head of household. He hasn't done anything in this regard and says its because he had to work Sundays)
3) Recreational Companionship (can't afford anything outside the home and we have no friends or family here due to our move)
4) Affection in the form of tokens/gifts (can't afford a lot, he's tried to do what he can. Obviously it hasn't been enough)
5) Domestic support (he meets)

His five:
1) Affection in the form of physical (I used to go through the motions but now I can't stand to even hug and kiss him anymore
2) Sexual Fulfillment (we diligently stuck to a schedule but I can't stand it anymore)
3) Admiration (I've complimented him on his parenting and commitment but I feel so much contempt that it's hard for me to think of things to admire)
4) Other (he made this one up, it's surfing or being near a place he can surf. It's met here)
5) Openness and Honesty (I meet this, but I think it hurts him more than it fills his love bank)

We know your story.
You posted it 4 months ago and received the same advice.

Are you willing to follow the MB program for 3 months? For the sake of your child?

I am having a hard time understanding how to afford this when we don't live near friends or family, in a HCOL area.

I am an excellent budgeter. Mint and Excel are my best friends. I can live on a shoestring budget easily in the Midwest, but here everything is stupidly expensive, including rent and utilities.

I've taken the class, and our pastor/coach said there is always a way to get in 15 hours. But he gave us the suggestions of UA while staying in after the baby goes to bed. We've been trying to be creative about ways to spend that time.

Can contempt be overcome?

Our in laws flew into town this past weekend so we had a date night out, and I didn't really like his company in a restaurant, either.

Would that fade in time? Our pastor called contempt one of the four horseman of the apocalypse.

Edit: Feeling it, I mean. I would never speak contemptuous words. I'm sure it bleeds through in my attitude though.

The Pastors advice is not consistent with Dr Harleys guidelines.