You have contempt and resentment because you do not follow the POJA or other MB guidelines

You have not answered my questions.
Are you here to blog or throw in the towel?
Are you willing to try the MB program for 3 months before ending your family?

Our pastor said that everyone, regardless of income or time constrictions, can manage 15 hours a week of uninterrupted quality time together. He used the example of him and his wife peeling apples together for a Christmas dinner as one example.

I do not understand how following it it is possible with your understanding of the requirements of UA. The money is not there. It's just not. The support system is not there. I do not believe in living outside our means with credit cards and loans. I am not willing to do that.

The support system can be built with time and effort, and it's a even harder without any money. I've communicated to my husband that this is something that needs to be done in order to get us on dates together (we came to JA). Nothing has come of it.

Am I willing to once again dig deep, take the initiative, and to find us a support system to provide free babysitting?

No, I'm not. I don't have the desire to put forth that kind of effort and time for this marriage. If took the initiative to do it himself I might be responsive. But doing it myself while financially supporting our household? No, the motivation is not there.


I came here to see if this could be overcome before I throw in the towel. I think I have my answer. I really do appreciate your help and refreshing candor.

Please believe me when I say that many of us have been where you are now, not wanting to try to solve this, too painful to even breathe.

But free babysitting is spectacularly easy to arrange if you only have one child; all you need is one other family which has a child of similar age to yours. You send your child there and the other family sends their child to you.


Nobody here is going to pretend what you are going to do is easy. It might be the hardest thing you will ever do but before you say 'yes but', find a way to say 'I am going to try'.

Oh and sell the television.

Have you considered how you are going to deal with divorce if you decide to throw in the towel? You better believe those credit cards are going to have to come out! Transportation arrangements between custody, etc. You know you can't just up and move away - creating the distance would make you responsible for custody costs.

Your determination to avoid UA is going to leave you penniless AND divorced. Why not put some of that $ into a short-term UA plan? Or at least trade-off some babysitting. POJA a move. SOMETHING.

Here is an entire thread on low cost dates: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=34&page=1

People can have great dates on a budget.

But the real issus is that you don't want to work on ykur marriage.

I suggest you read about the effects of divorce on kids before you start an affair or divorce.

MissingTheEros, have you and your husband discussed moving out of the HCOL area to somewhere that is more affordable, family/support system close by and where employment might be easier to come by?

That sounds to me that that would help you remove obstacles to having a fulfilling marriage.

Moving will not help at this point.
She refuses to have UA tine with her husband.

We have discussed moving, but every JA we can come up with requires that he can "surf" (changed to not reveal too much personal info).

There are two locations in the U.S. in which one can "surf" and they are both ridiculously HCOL. We have radically brainstormed for days and there's just no way around it. He HAS to live somewhere where he can "surf". And not just "surf" every year or a few times a year, but a driveable enough distance to "surf" at least once a week.

I would love to live in the Midwest near our family. If not, there are lots of beautiful LCOL areas I would love to live in.

I do feel like we're stuck here regardless since i recently started this job and in this climate it would be extremely unwise to quit without something lined up.

We are very familiar with job hunting (I believe I could work as both a recruiter and a resume writer at this point), and the chances of getting an out of state interview is quite slim. The responsible way to move would be to put out resumes while saving up another 6 months of living expenses in order to relocate with nothing lined up.

It's moot anyway because following POJA, I would not be allowed to look for a job in a LCOL area without the enthusiastic agreement of my spouse. It is however my long term plan for escape.

I refuse to 1) go into debt/live outside our means or 2) go back on our JA for HIM to find friends to kidswap and instead do it myself. I work full time and nobody at my job as kids or friends with kids. I do not have the time to do it easily, and no I have no desire to be the man once again and take the initiative to fix our marriage.

I've done a lot to accommodate him by moving here, keep our marriage afloat by booking classes and counselors and reading books adn coming up with in-home activities and always taking the initiative. This sounds like such a small thing and I should just suck it up and do it for him...but honestly I think I'm simply past my breaking point.

Maybe, but I wouldn't disrespectfully judge her and say that she refuses UA time. She has the the same obstacles to UA time as any married couple. I'm making suggestions to resolve it.

If his "surfing" is taking time away from you and is causing so much distress to the marriage, then he should not do it.

I do appreciate your suggestion RQ. And honestly it's such a big problem in our marriage that him agreeing to move to a LCOL might make a huge difference.

I just don't think I could convince him. He might do it to avoid the threat of divorce but he would always hold it against me. He has told me such himself.

Missing - it sounds like you have done a lot of sacrificing. Joint agreement is when both spouses enthusiastically agree on something, not just give in. Sacrificing will cause resentment and is not sustainable in marriage

Have you read the Q&A letters about POJA?

There are about 9 different letters to Dr Harley that could help you. This first one here is about resolving conflict. Then there is a list of them on the left about POJA. POJA

What is this "surfing"? A hobby? Are you enthusiastic about it? If not, then you need to tell your husband that you do not want him doing it anymore.

You are using your own personal bias on UA time instead of promoting Dr Harleys rules in UA time.
The fact is that she CAN have UA time.
She states she refuses to do so, with some excuses.

Eros, if you want to restore romantic love to your marriage then you will need to have a minimum of 15 hours of UA time. In your case, Dr Harley would probably recommend 20+ hours of UA time.

Talk of moving etc doesn't make any sense, especially if you aren't willing to try the MB program for 3 months.

What do you have to lose by giving it three months?
I assure you divorce is much more stressful

I am unwilling to:

1) go into debt to pay for UA
2) go back on our POJA for HIM to find us friends to kidswap with, since it was HIS need for "surfing" that made us live here in a place where we can't afford to pay for babysitting, and don't have any friends or family. I am always the one taking the initiative. Booking counseling, signing us up for classes, reading marriage books. I'm done doing all of the work.

We are on public assistance, I am struggling in a full time job outside of my field, away from my son I so love. So he can be near "surfing".

I don't have the desire to single-handedly build a support system for us, also, no. Especially when we JA'ed that he would handle it. It's yet one more thing I need to be a man and pick up the slack on and it breeds contempt. I'm just done.


"Surfing" is a hobby that requires a very specific terrain and specialized equipment. I enjoy it but it's very expensive to do as a date since I don't own my own equipment.

I have told him as such, and he said that it's the equivalent of me asking to have a key emotional need unmet forever.

But your best thinking has wrecked your marriage. You don't know how to create a great marriage, with all due respect. If you can't do the program then you can't do the program. That's ok. If you want to turn your marriage around, let us know and we can help. But you will have to put aside you own ideas and listen. Best wishes..

Yes. I've been there.

As you can see, this doesn't work.

It sounds to me like your H (and you) are choosing his hobby over your marriage. This is why you feel contempt. He is perfectly happy because he's getting what he wants, but it's at your expense.

This is NOT POJA. POJA is both of you being enthusiastic. The moment one person isn't enthusiastic, you stop - and negotiate a new agreement. If you cut this 'hobby' from your lives, you'd have the energy to work on your marriage.

There are 2 types of resentment:
Type A - the resentment that comes when one spouse does something that bothers the other spouse (Yours, because he insists on keeping this hobby)
Type B - the resentment that comes when a spouse has to 'give up' something they really want to do (His, if he gave it up)

Dr. Harley says that Type B is always easier to get over. That's where I'd start: get rid of the hobby, build your lives around meeting each others' Top Emotional Needs - instead of around this hobby - and you'll be in love again.


YES! If you stop agreeing to things that hurt you. Get rid of the hobby and you'll no longer feel contempt.

My $.02

Here.
Resentment Type A and Type B