Hi i'm new to the forums as this is my first post. I was doing some searching on the web and came across this site and was reading people's stories and members advice for those individuals in need. I'm hoping to get some feedback or at least have some sort of sounding board for what i'm going through currently. So here is goes.

I recently got married in July of this past year. I have been with my wife for 3 1/2 years. To give you all a little insight the road to our marriage for the most part has been incredible but not without it's hiccups. Before I met my wife I was dating someone for 2 yrs, met my wife, realized she was the one I was meant to be with and ended it with the ex. Also I never made the best decisions in life. I was a serial cheater. In every relationship prior to me and my wife getting together I cheated on every single girlfriend. I was young, dumb, selfish and egotistical to say the least. My best man and best friend from college was the same way and we were "Wired" this way for a long time. He got married 2 years before me and I saw that if he can change I must be able to find a way to change. My wife knew I was a total a-hole in the past and was hesitant to continue seeing me. I really sat down, analyzed my life and decided I had some deep issues I needed to address and sought professional help. I refused to believe that I was sentenced to this life of terrible decision making and hurting people constantly. This helped me address my demons and move on with my wife to have a great relationship.

Over the course of our 3 1/2 years we've had some hiccups here and there. If a female friend from college had messaged me on facebook or something like that I wouldn't make it known that is happened even though any of those messages didn't involve anything malicious or have bad intent. They were civilized discussions. My wife still didn't like it and I can see her point, so we got into some fights here and there mainly about lying about not telling her I got a message or anything of that nature. Also over the course of the 3 1/2 years my best friend and I speak pretty frequently. There would be times in conversation our past memories would come up. We would say dumb things about our past and how much fun it used to be yadda yadda. It was at one point this past April that is what's causing this issue in my marriage.

In April of this year,my best friend and I were discussing going back to our college homecoming as it's been almost 10 years since we graduated, i'm 30 yrs old btw. Some things were said in the whole conversation of homecoming that wasn't right for either one of us to say but nonetheless they were. As I mentioned before someone from my past had messaged me on facebook to catch up nothing harmful. My best friend also knew this girl and they had a past of their own as well. He initiated a conversation with this girl we both knew about homecoming and how things used to be in college with all of us together and he pushed the boundaries and she didn't seem to be bothered by it and she was reciprocating as well. She then texts me asking me if i'll be going to homecoming. I tell her i'm not sure yadda yadda. Then the conversation takes a turn for the worse. She mentions some things from our past and instead of putting an end to it I have a terrible lapse in judgement and start reciprocating and start saying things that I should have never said. For example she said "LOL you're married" and my response to that was "i'm not married yet". She pushed back a little but she wasn't stopping the conversation from going that way. I started to give in to that old selfish person I used to be when those words were typed and sent. I knew what I was doing yet still sent it. However the conversation did not last long as I realized what I said was very wrong and I shouldn't be pursuing this any further. I told myself I changed, I love my fiance and want to lead a happy life. So that was the one and only time that conversation happened. I never ended up going to homecoming and ultimately I never had any intentions of trying to pursue this person in any way shape or form. I made a series of terrible judgement calls and said things that should have never crossed my mind let alone said to someone else.

Fast forward to this past sunday night. My wife was going through my phone and with the exception of that conversation I never had anything to hide on there or the entire time we've been together so she has free range over my phone the entire time we've been together. She was going through my pictures and saw a screen shot of that conversation I had with this girl that I had sent to my best friend. That's all it took for her to tell me to get out, pack my things, the marriage is over and you can imagine the rest of the things that were said. I begged and pleaded with her to let me stay to not just give up to let me explain and to just consider things. I was allowed to stay that night and have been in the house since sunday night however sleeping in one of our guest rooms and I want to respect her space, her anger and being hurt.

Yes I made a terrible terrible choice. I know I hurt her and screwed up big time. She thinks the marriage is ruined and that there is no coming back from it. I disagree. I honestly believe we are strong enough, that we can overcome this. She goes back and forth about giving us a chance. I know part of it is anger speaking and the other is the emotion she has left for me.

I just would like some thoughts or advice about what people's experience is on how this might pan out for me? I want to regain my wife's trust and move on. I know we can but I have been treading carefully since it's only been less than 3 days since this came to light. I know she's still hurt and still thinking about whether she should stay with me. She says things like I don't deserve her and that she needs to be with someone who won't do these things. I totally agree and see her point but my response to her when she says that is i'm not that person I used to be. I was put in a situation that unfortunately put me in a bad position and instead of saying no I gave into selfishness. I want this marriage. I love my wife with everything I have and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. I just need to get her to start seeing that again and believing in that we can get through this because I know we can.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading everyone!

The first thing you need to do is to write a letter of no contact to the OW. You should write it out by hand and give it to your wife for her approval and then she should mail it to her.

Then you need to get rid of Facebook and all social media. They are very often the means to starting an affair.

Consider all the ways you were able to carry on this affair and eliminate every single one of them.

You will need to expose your affairs to the people in your life who care about you. This is because your wife will need the support during this very painful time and you need accountability. Surround yourself with friends who are a friend to your marriage and will hold you accountable.

Provide your wife with Just Compensation. This includes instituting Extraordinary Precautions so you will never have another affair again. You would agree to never having a female friend again.

Be transparent and honest with your wife. She should have full access to your phone and all passwords to bank accounts, emails, etc.

Spend your best leisure time together and never spend a night apart.

Make your marriage better than it was before the affair. Start by reading the articles and basic concepts on this website.

Affairs are incredibly destructive. Do you really want to end up with a woman who would entertain an affair with a married man? Almost all affairs die a natural death and the ones that manage to make it to marriage are usually very unhappy.

One thing you cannot do is skirt responsibility. Don't say you were "put in a situation that unfortunately put [you] in a bad position". You put yourself there.

You have really poor boundaries which I think you see. And your "best friend"? He is not a friend to your marriage so I think you need to break off that unhealthy relationship, ASAP.

And you can't "get her" to start seeing something just because you think it's there. She has every right to feel the way she does after you completely disrespected her and shamefully shared your disrespect with a friend, for what? A good laugh? To show you're still a player?

Are you being honest with your wife? Is this REALLY all that happened? Were there other women? I wouldn't be surprised if your wife doesn't believe you one bit. That's why she doesn't see a happy ending.

Is a letter really necessary though? The conversation that took place was a one time thing. I have since that time not had any contact with this person and even deleted them from facebook so they don't have any way to see what's going on in my life as it's not of their business. Other than this one conversation I have not engaged other women or physcially pursued other women so there were no other indiscretions. My wife has always had open access to my phone and we share bank accounts so there is full transparency in everything else. The night after everything came to light I bought her flowers, made her the first dinner I had cooked for her and got her an apology card and wrote out everything I could from the heart.

I completely agree with what you're saying. I did have poor boundaries in the past and let myself back into a bad spot which I had control over but didn't stop it when I should have. I'm being completely honest as I have nothing to hide here. There was no other women, there was no "affair" per se that involved meeting and physical interaction and things of that nature. It was one conversation that never should have taken place and I understand that. I know my wife doesn't believe me now but i'm hoping she'll see i'm telling her the truth. Admitting guilt and fault as all my own and that I never want to cross that line or be in a position like that ever again

You tell us. Your wife is very much (and rightfully) acting like a betrayed spouse. That makes you a Wayward. There's only one path to recover your marriage.

This is an easy fix. Take a polygraph test, and let your wife formulate the questions. Allow her to put spyware on your phone and computer if she thinks you are hiding something from her.

Once you show this level of transparency, she will feel more secure.

Do you really want to protect your BW?

Will she come here and post?