No worries Ned, I know we are all trying to come up with unique solutions to writer's predicament as best we can. At least this situation helped you identify a friend you'd never want to name the trustee or executor of any of your assets. Heck, if it's a neighbor take back your spare key immediately. There are lots of people that prey on the elderly as though their parents money is already their inheritance. In the very least, just be careful of that friend, she's already told you who she is.


Writer needs ethical solutions. She could certainly get mom to help out some short term, if mom is of sound mind and still capable of making her financial decisions. A power of attorney would certainly be wise and one can find a state specific form on line.

The look back rules, I believe, were promulgated in the '90's to prevent exactly what they did. For a fee anything can be attempted and done. Doesn't mean the Feds (or State) won't catch on and send you a bill later on and/or prosecute anyone they can catch trying to illegally hide assets. If it was attorney's that did it post the year 2000 they likely made them sign off on all sorts of hold harmless stuff explaining the riskiness of their legal position for doing what they did.

Small amounts of cash shouldn't be much of a bother later on. She could have spent HER money on groceries, rent and lotto tickets. The feds and state aren't concerned about that.

Over here, there are legitimate ways of legally transferring assets so that they fall outside one's estate, for inheritance tax and care-home reasons. However, the assets must really be transferred, and not at the last minute. Parents can't for example, transfer the deeds to the house into the children's names and then continue to live there. Additionally, in order for the assets fully to fall outside the estate, they must have been transferred seven or more years before the death - and longer in the case of care home fees. There is a tapering figure of tax for deaths between seven and three years of the transfer, and if the death was within three years of the transfer of assets, the full inheritance tax will be payable with no reductions.

The tax department and the local authorities who provide care homes will look back through the individual's finances and penalise anybody that cannot prove that they genuinely gave away the assets. There are similar provisions to make sure that trust funds are genuine.

The authorities will not allow people to exploit the laws on taxes and income to simply avoid paying the legitimate taxes and charges. If it were that simple nobody would ever pay tax!

A neighbour of mine and her mother transferred the deeds of the house from mother to daughter and they all continued living together as before. A lawyer signed off on that deal, of course. He never told her that when the mother died the Inland Revenue would include house in the mother's estate for inheritance tax purposes - which is what happened. My neighbour had an unexpected and nasty bill to pay after her mother died, and her lawyer apparently never warned her that she could not buck the system at will.

I'm not a lawyer, that's for sure.

I can only tell you that my uncle and mother did in fact have my grandmother's house placed in a trust in their names a few weeks before she died. My grandmother did return to the house to live until she passed away. They then sold the house, the sale went through in June, and my mom and uncle split the money from the sale. Neither of them had to pay estate taxes, since the value of the home was below the threshold for that. I'm not sure what that number is that is exempt from taxes, but I believe it is in the millions. They also never received any bills from Medicare for my grandmother's care or for the 3 weeks she spent in a skilled nursing facility.

Well - that's why they did not have to pay taxes, and there would have been a legal reason for the lack of Medicare bills. You need to check what the rules are for your state, but they surely won't allow people easily to avoid legitimate taxes and charges.

Here, the threshold for inheritance tax is �325,000, which is well below the value of my home, so there'd be taxes to pay on that:

"The Inheritance Tax threshold (or 'nil rate band') is the amount up to which an estate will have no Inheritance Tax to pay.
If the estate - including any assets held in trust and gifts made within seven years of death - is more than the threshold, Inheritance Tax will be due at 40 per cent on the amount over the nil rate band. From 6 April 2012 people who leave 10 per cent or more of their net estate to charity can choose to pay a reduced rate of Inheritance Tax of 36 per cent."

http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/rates/iht-thresholds.htm

You should be able to look up quite a lot online, writer. You urgently need to look into these issues, and make plans.

You said "medicare"....medicare is an paid in entitlement. It is healthcare for seniors. The look-back rules don't apply to MEDICARE they apply to disbursements by MEDICAID which is care provided to the disable and indigent.

It doesn't sound like your grandmother incurred any "Medicaid" expenses...so nobody is the wiser.

There's another issue...when you apply for medicaid support and have to list your assets you can exclude your home as long as there is a chance you can go back to your home. Your grandmother did and actually passed away there. However, when people rack up big medicaid bills and then die...the states are supposed to go after the Estates to repay the medicaid bills.

Elder Law attorney's may be doing all sorts of creative things to avoid these issues including just making it hard for the government to figure out where things went and when. If the government doesn't know...don't tell them kind of stuff. If your mother has inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars....she could be paying you handsomely for the care you provide. She could pay the entire rent and it'll be ok as it'll be cheaper than a nursing home for sure. She should also be taken to an Estate Plan/Elder Law attorney as NED mentioned to figure out what options you have in your state and to get some real good power of attorney documents done versus stop gap forms downloaded from the internet.

I'm trying, but my mother calls me constantly complaining that the nurses at the rehab facility where she's currently at aren't doing anything. She's called three times today. This afternoon, they gave her insulin at noon and never brought her lunch, and she's supposed to eat within 30 minutes of receiving her insulin. I had to call the facility and get someone to bring her some food. Add onto that the boarding care facilities I have to call, the calls to her oncologist to try to line up TPN feedings because she isn't getting adequate nutrition by mouth, the appeal process I'm going through to try to keep the rehab facility from discharging her tomorrow when we haven't even figured out where she'll be going, etc., etc., etc.

I'm going crazy here. I literally have done nothing for the past three days in a row except deal with all of this insanity. I don't know how much longer I can take it. And my H is being a PITA. He's just making things worse by telling me all of our financial problems are my fault because I won't sit down with him and try to figure out how we can possibly survive on his current salary in a HCOL area we can't possibly afford to live in on what he makes.

How much money does Mom have???

Mom's options are limited...she can help you more financially and with a move to better housing (like a duplex where she can live next door) OR pay $1,000's a month of rent at sub-par care facilities like the rehab place.

$130K or so.

My mother is completely incapable of living on her own even if we were in a duplex next door. She needs assistance with everything. If we bring her home, I will have to help her in and out of bed to her wheelchair, change her diaper dozens of times a day since she literally never stops having bowel movements, change her bed everyday, fix all of her meals, care for her kidney tubes, bathe her in bed, and drive her to her appointments (that is, if I can get her in and out of the car, since she has been getting transports to these appointments via gurney at the rehab place).

The rehab place is being paid for by Medicare. If we move her to a place where we're paying for it, we'll definitely choose something better.

You husband is not a pita, it is very sensible to think again if things are not working out as planned. Sorry to say so, because you must be going through a gruesome time, BUT
you have to make some tough decisions here if you want to save your marriage from financial ruin. Eve r ybody is giving you awesome advice and you have to start doing what is sensible instead of letting your mom ruin your family financially.

To me it is beyond comprehension that she is dying and is still not willing to spend her savings on her health at her daughter's expence. You are not doing anyone a favor by sacrificing your family. Your mother needs care, but she cannot demand that you sacrifice the future of your children for money she won't be needing a year from now.

Our financial problems have nothing to do with my mother. This particular situation may involve her, but financial issues have plagued my entire marriage. I can't blame it all on my mother.

We've never been financially stable. We've had our home foreclosed on. We've gone through a bankruptcy. My H has had the same job for 15 years, with nothing more than the occasional COL raise. He's been denied dozens of promotions. He's applied for literally thousands of jobs and never gotten a single job offer. We live in a HCOL area and he blames me for not being able to make the numbers work on his salary. I've tried. But when your rent alone is at least 50% of your income and there isn't cheaper housing available that would be close enough to his work for him to commute, I don't know how to do it.

Well then, but you cannot walk into your demise with open eyes?! Something has got to give.

He is facing reality. Instead of thanking him, you are refusing to sit down and work this out with him? I know life is really tough for you at the moment but you have to see that you need to find a way to do what he is asking.

Either that or leave the marriage.

1. Are you her only child?

2. The going rate for that kind of care is OVER $3,000 per month.

If you have siblings that stand to possibly inherit any left over monies you might, in time, and after talking to an attorney, discuss with them that they can either take mom in themselves OR you might but if you do you will be charging mom a little less than the going rate at a crappy nursing facility AND paying for some outside help from time to time.

Sounds like this could be the perfect job you thought you couldn't find...getting paid $20 - $30,000 a year or so (plus expenses) to take care of your mother until you are no longer able to do so.

Again, if your sibling(s) object....they can take on mom themselves instead and get paid too. You'll be her power of attorney by the time you have that conversation anyway.

I am an only child.

My main concern about bringing my mom home is how much care she is going to require. She has to have her diaper changed a lot and I don't have the strongest stomach on earth. I will have to provide all of her care 24/7. My H can help when he's home, but he's gone 12 hours a day.

$20-$30K a year doesn't seem like much when you're working 24/7 around the clock. And I still have my 5-year-old to take care of. I'm am solely responsible for her during the day too, including transporting her to and from school. Not sure how I would manage that if I can't leave my mom alone.

Then there are all of the other MB requirements. It's going to be pretty difficult to get in 15 hours of UA time if my H and I can never leave the house together. We haven't had any UA time at all in almost a week. It takes its toll, especially when the marriage isn't strong to begin with.

Mr W's plan also involved outside help. Can you get in outside help which will cover UA time with your mother's money? Since you don't think she will last out the year, her savings should do that.

Another person being paid as a live in help maybe? Another salary on top of yours would only take up 60k at most of her 130k. The rest should be used to cover additional expenses. Put some of it aside for her funeral.

Maybe this isn't a long term plan but you need to figure out a way to pay the rent before you are all made homeless.

That is an urgent situation, writer. You either need to use her money to pay the rent, pay for her care or you need to go elsewhere where you can both get jobs. I know that isn't ideal but you can't help anyone if you're homeless, so make that the PRIORITY.

It's all very nice to say she doesn't want her savings touched but the reality is, she's ran you into the ground with her lack of foreplanning for ill health. How can it possibly benefit her if her sole relative goes under and is no longer able to help her?
You do have to figure out how to pay the rent, writer. Your husband isn't wrong to ask you to sit down and do that.



But if he is following a plan you both agreed on, applying for jobs and getting more qualified, then it isn't his 'fault' either. His being a sole provider in a high COL area is a plan you both take responsibilty for.

If your plan isn't working, then you should make a new one!

No one is saying it's your mothers 'fault' but she has put you in a dreadful bind where you cannot easily move now.

It was her responsibility to save and plan for old age, not yours. Similarly it is not your H's responsibility to provide you with FS and unilaterally make that happen without your input. You've known for years that extra help for the cost of living in your area was needed and need to now look at how you can do that.

Your mother passed the financial buck to you and now it is getting passed on to your H. Really, that needs to stop. She has to provide funds and you need to play an active role in an entirely new plan.

The real important thing is not to get overwhelmed. I know how hard that feels, but you can do it.

If her calls are constantly interuppting you you need to call someone high up, tell them the complaints and oversights which have been happening and tell them you expect them to be resolved. I'd call them in the morning and tell them in advance to do what do what you need them to do. Speak to your mother at the same time and make sure she knows you're on it and there's no need to call you. That you will call her in x hours. Do some work for a few hours and then call back and make sure it's been done.



Honestly, I think it is a great idea that you two sit down and figure this out. I'd go somewhere quiet and pleasant where he cannot love bust or 'blame' you and attempt to figure this thing out in an emergency meeting of minds.

I'd bring a big legal pad and brainstorm with abandon all sorts of things until you hit on a solution. Au pair? Selling stuff to pay this month up and buy some time? Moving and managing her care with trips home and phone calls? Starting a business if no jobs are apparent? Really brainstorm.

His idea of cutting down living expenses seems eminently sensible. You say you've 'tried' but it isn't your sole responsibility to do that. The two of you are responsible for coming up with a budget and both sticking with it.

It's obvious that he needs to be included in the loop there. Even if outgoing costs are cut down to the bone, then he needs to sit down with you and be shown that.

Worst case scenario, he will agree with you that costs are cut as much as they can be. Then he will be informed and motivated to try a new plan. Hopefully together.

Best case scenario, he will see something you haven't that will save costs and help you both manage better.

I don't like this set up where it is 'his' job to find cash and 'your' job to manage it. You both need to make joint agreements on how you do everything.

x2

It feels as if you are trying to set him up to fail and then blaming him when he does. It is not a path to happiness.

Since you are the only child there really isn't anyone to likely cause you much problems. See other siblings often object when one of the kids spends "their" inheritance on anything, including the parent's legitimate expenses. You don't have to deal with that. Meaning, a trust may not be necessary at all. With a year, more or less, left to live it's not likely she'll make it beyond the 3 year look-back period so, PERHAPS, your best bet is to get the cash out of her estate legitimately using a simple durable power of attorney.

Your problems are so complex that you need to break things down to mini-crisis resolutions. I think step one is to get your Mom to sign a durable power of attorney effective immediately giving you the power to manage her monies. If I recall you said they were in a joint account anyway but I'd still feel more comfortable if you had a Power of Attorney. I presume your mom remains competent enough to sign her name and understand the nature of the document she is signing giving you the authority to basically manage all her financial affairs. If so...get it done (along with a power of attorney relating to health care specific to your state so you can make medical decisions on her behalf). That's step one. Here's a link to an online California form that is probably good enough (you should see an attorney in your state to know for sure). It even includes specifically a right to compensation. CA DPOA

*Also...don't bother asking people at any health care facility to witness or notarize any legal documents....they should have all been trained to decline since it can get their facilities in trouble when they witness clearly incompetent persons signing legal documents in such settings. You'll probably need to take Mom to the bank or an attorney to find a witness and/or willing Notary.

Step Two - prepare an itemized bill for the care you already provided her and pay yourself from your mom's money so you can pay this and next months rent, some bills and some groceries. Immediately...you need to buy yourself some time to sort out this crisis with your husband.

Step Three - Brainstorm with your husband how to change your lives together. Mom's money COULD pay for you to relocate with her to a place with a lower cost of living AND maybe a facility across the street that can look after her for you. These could likely be combined with job opportunities.

As the only child and sole heir to mom's estate you likely feel that it's only a matter of time before you inherit her money (which hopefully isn't all "wasted" on her care) and THEN skies will brighten. I say do it now...with mom. If you provide her care....then pay yourself handsomely and if she survives longer than expected by then her estate will be depleted and she'll likely qualify for Medicaid assistance. Just keep up on your documentation and receipts so that any federal official that sticks his/her nose into your mom's finances the last few years will see a well documented reasonable depletion of her funds for her benefit.

My last point about UA time with your husband...any job you would have obtained would have interfered with that as well. You need to find a way to make it work and get help (paid help) so you can manage. Ultimately, once things are sorted out it sounds like she's going to need a nursing home or hospice anyway. There will come a point where you just can't provide the end stage help that she needs and you'll need to pay professionals to handle that (with mom's money). Hopefully, you and your husband will have things sorted by then.

Thank you Indie and Mr. W.

I am reading and absorbing everything, but have little time to respond at the moment.

I'm going to look into the durable power of attorney ASAP.

Today, we are waiting to see if my mom is going to be admitted to the hospital to start TPN, since she is barely eating and her labs haven't been where they need to be for her to receive her chemo. We are also meeting with her oncologist today. Hopefully, he'll be able to give us some answers.

I look at my mom and how much her condition has declined over the past two months and I wonder how things can possibly get any worse. Then everyone tells me they will. I can't even imagine what worse would look like at this point.