I am 42 waw 40, 2 boys 8 & 10. Long story short - wife started acting different around her 40th bday in feb this year. Spoke to her about it and said she thought she was going through menopause and would get off the pill. Told me I could now get the snip, but would cease sex until as she did not want to get pregnant and did not want to use condoms. Thought it was a bit strange, but she has not been intimate much since the birth of our first son due to difficulties. A few months later after an emotion outburst over nothing I asked what was really wrong. She said we needed to have a talk later. After talk about me not helping enough and being a better dad, I addressed all issues. A few months later I got the ilybinilwy speech. She ticked every box that I was as yet unaware of. I need space, feel like I am suffocating, it is time to put me first, I think we should separate. I tied to get her to talk about it, or see a councillor, but she was unwilling as she could not change the way she felt, and she had felt this way for a long time (started at a while, when pressed on how long, a year, maybe more???).
my reaction was to sleep on it for a few days and give her space. I then arranged for our separation with financial and parenting plan. I then took these to her and asked her to find somewhere else to live and gave her the plans. She panicked and asked to stay till January. I told her I was moving back into our bed (as I had slept on the couch) and that she could sleep where she wished. She moved into back room, coming and going as she pleased. I then discovered she was spending a lot of time wit a male friend. I then researched signs of affairs and felt like a fool. After a few weeks of pain, I confronted her. I told her that I could not tell her what to do, but if she continued to see him she could not continue to live here. I got the expected vitriol, just very good friends, how dare you accuse me.......after a few more weeks of same, I packed her stuff up and told her to go. She finally found a place and has now moved. We have agreed to split all finance 50/50, agree on house value and we settle next week. Agreed week on week off with kids is now getting negotiated as she is no longer happy with that. I found this website a few days ago and now realize what I should have done different. My plan was to let her go and see the reality of separation, and see if she came back. Now I am not so sure I would ever have her back, as I have detached so much, that I now just see her as a lying cheat who is no longer the person I used to love. After a weekend of reading all the advice on this site, I am no longer sure of what I should do from here. Any insights from those who have been here before would be most appreciated.

Hi zb, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. We can help you save your marriage but there are some important first steps. The first, of course, is to get evidence of the affair. Please get solid evidence of the affair and come back here and we will give you next steps. If you can get historic evidence of the affair, that would be great. If you can hire a PI, he can usually get the evidence in a couple of days.

In the meantime, please read through the "start here first" thread.

Hi ML thanks for taking your time to help me. She was going to his place once a week and staying till 4am then catching a cab home (parking right outside his house). She would then get her mother to drop her over to pick up her car the next day. They used to work together but he got fired two weeks after the ilybinilwy speech. She quit that night in support. All my family know about the A. Her father and sister know about the A. Her mother knows about the A but is in denial and is singing her song (she had an A many years ago and stayed, but I am sure she regrets staying). My stbx seems to have ceased contact with all other friends as the only time she spends is at her new job (working nights), and with him. My family came to visitnfrom around the country a few weeks ago, so she stayed at his place for the week as "it would be a bit uncomfortable to stay here". In a nutshell it appears that everyone knows and has told her of their disapproval, but she is determined to wreck her life. He apparently separated from his W about the time this appears to have begun. She is not on fb, does not use email and has had her phone stuck to her hip on silent for the last 9 months. I have no access to the phone or her account. What is to be gained from any more evidence?

No evidence needed, and exposure has been done.

So the question becomes, do you want to save your marriage? Marriages where couples once hated each other have been saved using Dr. Harley's methods. Using the methods properly results in a marriage with romantic passion, not just settling for the children or for the sake of vows. But there is a narrow pathway.

If that is the result you would like to try for (there are no guarantees), then you need to enter Plan A. Here is more information:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I think you are handling things well at this point. But if you choose to fight to save your marriage, you will have to start Plan A immediately, and the readers here can help you.

I'm sorry for all that you are going through.

It would have been nice if you would have mentioned you already HAD evidence and I would not have wasted my time giving you advice based on missing, but pertinent, facts.

I am sorry for not explaining further as I was trying to keep it brief. Without knowing it, I have done a sort of plan a, which just prior to my disclosure of knowing about the A, she commented on how great it was to see the changes in my behavior, but it did not change the way she felt. I have been emotionally shut out for months now, so have been unable to attempt to meet those needs. I am being very civil, but short of friendly, and after reading about plan b I am unsure if I will gain anything by switching to nc and going through an im. I thought that I was coping well, but now I am confused and stressed. The wisdom I have read from the posts on here seems to far outweigh my instinctive reasonings, but I am not scared to change tack if it is possible for my family to grow with a greater understanding of how to provide what we all need from each other. I have read a ton of books in the last few months and our poor communication, combined with passive aggressive avoidance styles have led us to where we are, and I know that we could now have a better relationship than we have ever had if we were both committed. Now that she has her own place, do I plan b my [censored] off to the letter, or continue being civil but detached?

Zb, I would not go into Plan B. I would stand pat and compete with the OM as long as you can. In the meantime, please get the book Survivng an Affair and read it so you understand what happened here. You can download it on amazon for kindle.

The problem in your marriage was not "communication" (a trendy catch-all) but that she fell out of love. People who are in love have no problem communicating and the best communicators get divorced because they are not in love. That is what Marriage Builders focuses on: restoring the romantic love to the marriage.

The book I recommended will explain how and why the affair happened and give you a plan to save it.

Will do, thanks again for your input.

I should have been more specific. I would remain in Plan A. That way you look better than the OM when their affair starts falling apart. I would make sure the affair is exposed to the OMs family, though. The more exposed, the faster it will crumble. His family should all know the truth about the affair, that this is a married woman who left her marriage for an affair.

ZbOz,

I agree with ML. Study Plan A (see the link I dropped in my earlier post) and read Surviving An Affair.

Plan A is a marathon, not a race. Don't expect immediate results. But once you decide on Plan A it will require resolve on your part. None of this is easy. You will find yourself angry, hurting, and often throwing up in your mouth. But doing the right thing can save your marriage, and if it doesn't, knowing you took very best possible course of action (Dr. Harley's strategies have saved thousands of marriages) and tried your very best will be something you can take solace in.

Good luck.

Thanks ML & j3, I will do it. I just hope the aliens return my stbx in some form that resembles the woman I knew. I will keep reading and breathing deeply. I know she is in there somewhere.