Thanks for posting the update! It's always good to read success stories. It provides hope and inspiration to stay on the right road of recovery!

Congrats, AM!

Checkin on you and glad to see this anniversary post.

GY,

So, how are YOU?

AM

We are doing well. It is amazing what time--almost four years now--will do. As we progress further into our golden years, we are still enjoying each other and making plans for these years. Do you remember how incensed I was when Dr. Harley told me at the MB weekend to stop talking about the betrayal with my husband? He was right--of course. While my mind still goes back to that misery sometimes, it became easier over time to keep my thoughts to myself. Gradually, the memories became fewer and less painful. Of course, having a FWH whose only goal was to never cause me another second of pain was a major key to where we are today.

From your posts, I see that you are also doing well. I am so glad.

GY

GY,

Thanks for the update. I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I think it is so important for people to hear about success stories. Otherwise, it can seem so hopeless.

We actually had a rather serious problem just a week ago. H was dead set on some independent behavior that I was not enthusiastic about. I posted over on the weekend forum and when H read it, he really was remorseful. Thank goodness for Dr. Harley and MB.

AM

The Petreaus scandal is causing both H and me to trigger a bit lately. Friday, H said he was so sorry for Mrs Petreaus and H didn't sleep too well. Yesterday, H said two things he admired most about me were my integrity and moral compass. Meanwhile, I am trying very had not to make comparisons between what is happening now on the news and what happened in our marriage five years ago.

I have been thinking that it would not surprise me to have Article 134 of the UCMJ (the one dealing with adultery) revoked sometime in the next few years. Most states no longer consider adultey a crime and I would guess in the future the military will consider it a private matter, not a crime. I hope I am wrong.

GY, thinking about you today.

AM

Sorry for your triggers.

Thanks BH. It actually has been ok because we are on the same side of the argument. H does not defend these guys. He feels badly about the things he did and the long term effect on us.

Sunday, at church, during the greeting time, H gave me a kiss. At least three ladies told me what a lucky wife I am . They are correct.

AM

How wonderful it is when you start getting the husband and marriage you deserve.

It is a great day when you realize that the two of you are facing life hand in hand - together - rather than trying to work through recovery right after an A or even pre-affair when you worked around each other.

I agree though: I think there will come a day when infidelity is seen as only a private matter, sadly.

Even though I check on you only every six months or so, I do wonder more often how you are. I admire your devotion to giving your good advice to those in need. (Your advice to me on the first day I posted made you my friend for life.) As for me, I am better off not coming here often. Triggers, triggers everywhere and not a gun in sight.... Aren't we fortunate that MB helped us get to the point that a trigger has less power than it once had?

I hope you've done well during the last month or so.

GY

Even though I check on you only every six months or so, I do wonder more often how you are. I admire your devotion to giving your good advice to those in need. (Your advice to me on the first day I posted made you my friend for life.) As for me, I am better off not coming here often. Triggers, triggers everywhere and not a gun in sight.... Aren't we fortunate that MB helped us get to the point that a trigger has less power than it once had?

I hope you've done well during the last month or so.

GY

GY,

Thanks for stopping by. I was thinking about you a couple of weeks ago, wondering if you ever read here.

I don't have triggers much any more. Last month was D-day plus five years. A couple of days pre-anti-anniversary, it briefly crossed my mind. But, I didn't spend more than a passing thought with it. It's amazing and even though people said this was possible, I really didn't believe it until we started to recover. I liken it to the time years ago when I had cancer. It was miserable at the time and now there are scars, but not much else.

There are two very different approachs to dealing with triggers. One approach is well-described in the thread about trigger management and involves avoiding triggers and changing thoughts before the emotional reaction can begin. The other approach is called "flooding" and involves dealing with (talking about, writing about, thinking about) the trigger until it is SO boring that the person doesn't think about it any longer. I ended up using both approachs - lots of avoidance about some triggers and flooding with others.

H is a changed man. He is such an improved version of himself. We implement MB principles on a daily basis - PORH, POJA, meeting the four critical ENs. Lovebusters are nearly non-existant. Our marriage is doing well. We are so much smarter now and we pass the information to our children.

Stop by again and let me know how you are doing.

Loveya,

AM

Here are some clips on flooding that armymama is talking about.

I thought these are some good clips of Dr. Harley talking about managing memories with flooding.

Radio clip on flooding

Radio clip on flooding

AM,
I think I may have mislead you with my "Triggers, triggers everywhere..." comment. (I do have a drama queen manner of speech.) The triggers don't affect me or our recovery. It's just that daily there is some piece of news about infidelity or such. Typically, I just off-handedly say to myself, "Been there."

The information on flooding is very interesting. I realized early on that triggering was greatest when we were getting ready to do something or go somewhere that we had seldom done or been since the affair. For example, we are going to Germany next week; and we have not been to Germany since our visit there midway of his affair. I don't dwell; I just briefly remember and move on. Maybe remembering and moving on as I do is not really a trigger--just a memory with no power to cause harm.

It did occur to me the other day, the the affair is a time marker, much like a bad hurricane or earthquake. Over 20 years ago, our area suffered devastating effects of a hurricane; and for years the residents of the area referenced the hurricane casually when talking of other totally unrelated events. I think that referencing major life-changing events must be quite normal.

GY

GY,

I understand. Jut this week I wondered what the people of SC were thinking as they elected Mark Sanford to congress. I guess fidelity and integrity are less and less important to people.

I think your observation about having a memory with no power to cause harm is astute. That's certainly an effect of flooding and it is likely also that the passage of time disassociates memories from the intensity of emotion.

I love Germany in the spring/summer. For four years, we lived in Bavaria, about a block away from the Main River. The river and all the vineyards along the banks were gorgeous. Our village had one traffic light and seven wineries. Have a great trip!

AM

Yesterday, my brother, the last person in my immediate family as I grew up, died from pancreatic cancer. He had been diagnosed with this vicious disease less than three weeks ago.

I really miss him already. He is the one who supported me in 2009 when H went "off the deep end" and contacted OW via email and phone after 16 months of NC. My brother came to stay with me, helped me winterize the house and get the snow blower ready for use. He stayed with DS when H and I attended the MB weekend in Jan 2010. I always felt as though he had my back when no one else did. Today, H has my back, but there is always that slight nagging feeling that maybe he won't be there for me.

AM

I am so sorry, armymama.

Thanks, Mel.