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It always gives me a chuckle when I read a fresh-out-of-the-affair-wayward come here and cry out for former waywards to come to their rescue, because I think they believe that a FWS will be gentler on them -- and they are dead wrong. I'll have to paraphrase this out of respect for the profanity filter here, but ever hear the phrase, "You can't bullshoot a bullshooter"? grin I think you'll find that we FWSs will be very quick to tell you when you are full of it -- just like a many years sober recovering alcoholic would do for a newly sober alcoholic.
You better believe it. laugh


Markos' Wife
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8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2767260 11/21/13 11:11 AM
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As far as EP's go I have been totally honest with my husband and the OM wife. I have answered any question they have with total honesty. It has hurt me and them to say and to hear what was asked and answered. I have committed to spending all my time with my husband. We do things together like go out to eat and watch tv and just try to enjoy time together. I account for every minute of my time (willingly) and he has complete access to my phone and computer.


itsamess #2767261 11/21/13 11:21 AM
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Your EPs need work.

You need to add at least 2 things: No opposite sex friendships and no nights apart.

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I have committed to spending all my time with my husband.
This needs to be more specific. All your time? That's pretty vague and unrealistic. You need to commit to 25 hours of Undivided Attention time a week - 4 dates out of the house meeting the four intimate emotional needs.

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We do things together like go out to eat
How often? Are the intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection and recreation companionship being met during this time? Does your husband agree?

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and watch tv and just try to enjoy time together.
The TV time doesn't count.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
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What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2767266 11/21/13 11:27 AM
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itsamess, why are you ignoring my posts? Should I spend my time elsewhere?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
itsamess #2767271 11/21/13 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
As far as EP's go I have been totally honest with my husband and the OM wife. I have answered any question they have with total honesty. It has hurt me and them to say and to hear what was asked and answered. I have committed to spending all my time with my husband. We do things together like go out to eat and watch tv and just try to enjoy time together. I account for every minute of my time (willingly) and he has complete access to my phone and computer.

Okay, like Prisca told you, your EPs need work. Please read this excellent column by Dr. Harley:

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair

I would be interested to hear your thoughts after you've read it.

Mrs. W

P.S. Have you gotten a copy of Surviving An Affair? Be warned, itsamess, none of us will stop asking this question until you answer it! grin


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


itsamess #2767283 11/21/13 12:17 PM
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You're ignoring my post as well. I wrote to you about the great, glaring hole in your EPs that is the fact that you can communicate with OM at your workplace. You are a serial adulterer, and Dr H insists on special measures for such people, including earning money in such a way that your spouse can see everything you do. He has to be able to see what you are doing 24 hours of the day (except when you're in the bathroom - and even then I would't be too sure), and he can't do that if you are working away from home.

This requirement is more stringent for you than it would be for someone who had one affair that they conducted at or through work. In their case they are addicted only to the OP, so as long as they are kept away from OP and the normal rules for recovery are followed, there is no chance that the affair will resume or a new one will start.

Serial cheats are clearly addicted to cheating per se, and not just to a specific OP, although you engaged in very degrading behaviour with this one person in your last affair, showing evidence of your addiction to him. Recovery is not possible with a serial cheat unless she can be accounted for at all times.

I won't think you're serious about recovery, and just compensation for your H, until you address my point here in this thread, and change your lifestyle.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
You're ignoring my post as well. I wrote to you about the great, glaring hole in your EPs that is the fact that you can communicate with OM at your workplace. You are a serial adulterer, and Dr H insists on special measures for such people, including earning money in such a way that your spouse can see everything you do. He has to be able to see what you are doing 24 hours of the day (except when you're in the bathroom - and even then I would't be too sure), and he can't do that if you are working away from home.

This requirement is more stringent for you than it would be for someone who had one affair that they conducted at or through work. In their case they are addicted only to the OP, so as long as they are kept away from OP and the normal rules for recovery are followed, there is no chance that the affair will resume or a new one will start.

Serial cheats are clearly addicted to cheating per se, and not just to a specific OP, although you engaged in very degrading behaviour with this one person in your last affair, showing evidence of your addiction to him. Recovery is not possible with a serial cheat unless she can be accounted for at all times.

I won't think you're serious about recovery, and just compensation for your H, until you address my point here in this thread, and change your lifestyle.

Very much agree!

itsamess,

You have two of the betrayed wives that I have personally learned the most from posting to you -- MelodyLane and Sugarcane. It would be very wise of you not to ignore them and instead heed their words -- if I were you I'd even go so far as to click on their names and read posts they have made to others -- it doesn't matter if the posts were made to a WS or to a BS -- the knowledge possessed by these two ladies should not be overlooked. Also, should any of the posts you read trigger a feeling of anger in you, pay special attention to those because it's very likely that it's a message you especially need to hear.

Mrs. W


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FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
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Im not ignoring anyone's posts at all. I asked my boss to remove the phone from my office and I chose to give my laptop to the media center. I now have to go to the front office to answer the phone and I use the computer in the library if I need to use the internet or send an email.

I am interested and ready to repair my marriage. I will add those suggested EP to my list as well.

itsamess #2767303 11/21/13 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
Im not ignoring anyone's posts at all. I asked my boss to remove the phone from my office and I chose to give my laptop to the media center. I now have to go to the front office to answer the phone and I use the computer in the library if I need to use the internet or send an email.

I am interested and ready to repair my marriage. I will add those suggested EP to my list as well.

You can still contact OM at work. Did you read what Sugarcane posted to you?
Originally Posted by Sugarcane
He has to be able to see what you are doing 24 hours of the day (except when you're in the bathroom - and even then I would't be too sure), and he can't do that if you are working away from home.




Markos' Wife
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When I first talked to you about your workplace, you breezed right past my suggestion and responded with something like "that's very interesting!" and that was that. That was the only attempt you made to address my point. When I reposted asking whether you would take my suggestion, did you reply? Forgive me if I missed it but I did not see a reply, so it seemed to me that you were ignoring my post.

In the post above, I was careful in my wording. I erased my initial wording, which said that you could communicate with your OM via the office phone, and I replaced it with

Originally Posted by SugarCane
...the great, glaring hole in your EPs that is the fact that you can communicate with OM at your workplace.
To clarify: you can commmunicate with your OM anytime you are not with your H, and the 8 hours a day you spend at your workplace is a great opportunity for you to do this. I'm not going to put any ideas into your head, and in any case, even the dumbest wayward can work out ways of doing so that do not involve the office landline or PC.

You persist in not addressing my point about the only way to recover with a serial cheat - which is to be able to see what they are doing at all times - and your tone to me when you do respond is light and dismissive and just a touch offended. I don't think you'd sound like that if you were serious about recovering your marriage.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
itsamess #2767332 11/21/13 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by itsamess
Im not ignoring anyone's posts at all.

Well, I keep asking questions that you don't answer. Maybe you don't call that "ignoring." Anyway, it sure can't help to skip that stuff.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2767334 11/21/13 02:26 PM
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itsamess, if you'll go back and read my posts and answer my questions, I can probably help you.

If not, I'll just quit spending my time here other than to point out to anyone reading that when people post like this their recovery outcome is usually not good.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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