As long as he knows you will stay with him under any conditions, he has no reason to be honest or repentant. Repentance is to turn away from sin. He has not done that if he is still lying. And has no reason to do so since you have told him that you have a very unbiblical approach to marriage of unconditional love.


You might want to check out this article: What�s Wrong with Unconditional Love

This has certainly proven true in your case.


Repentance is an action, not a "process." He has not repented if he is still lying. Calling it a "process" is a wayward tactic of continuing to commit the crime. Like the drug addict who doesn't quit doing heroin because he is in the "process" of quitting. It is the language of weasel ["weasel words"] that is recognized by every wayward.

PW, the biggest problem I see here is you because you won't hold your husband accountable because of some romantic notions you have about unconditional love. You say that holding him accountable causes him to "dig in' deeper, but you can see that not holding him accountable does the same. I can see why he wouldn't tell you the truth: HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. You have already said you will stay with him regardless so he has no reason to fess up.

You are taking the wrong approach, and will be dealing with this for a very long time if you don't change.

The only "process" your husband is in is one of unrepentant lying. God does not endorse lying. Telling the truth is an action, not a "process."


Your husband's "issue" is his lying and his lack of repentance. He is not the least bit worried about being abandoned by you.

Didn't God's Son grant permission for divorce for infidelity a very long time ago?

The idea of a separation for infidelity is that this is the wayward spouse's last chance to change. Sometimes it may snap them out of it and they come repentant and remorseful and ready to do whatever it takes to fix the marriage. Sometimes it does not.

The idea is, whether your wayward spouse rises to the occasion or not, YOU are better off. Either you are protected from their continued infidelity/abuse/neglect, or you receive a repaired marriage. It's a win-win for you either way.

God granted this permission a very very long time ago, so you don't have to ask Him for it.

The problem is the separation gives them a LAST chance to repent. In your case, he didn't repent, but rather than receive the protection that God offers through separation from this source of pain for you, you basically said "Okay, well that was your last chance, but I'll give you one more." That makes him even LESS likely to rise to the occasion and repent. Now he knows he doesn't have to!

The "last chance" thing doesn't work if you don't actually truly make it the LAST chance. And the protection for you doesn't work out if you don't actually separate yourself from him. You missed out on BOTH of the possible blessings God had to offer you by calling it off.

WP, women have suffered serious problems from living for years with an unrepentant adulterer. It destroys their health, their immune system, their emotional stability. Their children suffer horribly because their father is philandering and their mother is losing it physically and emotionally due to the trauma - there are no responsible parents at home.

God makes it clear to us that His forgiveness is conditional - we have to repent! He doesn't expect any more from us. He does not expect us to live in an environment that is killing us just so we can "forgive" an unfaithful spouse who hasn't repented at all. God would be a truly sadistic Being to expect His children to go through such torture.

Just to clarify - I'm not saying I will never leave. I just mean I won't leave now if that makes sense. I can see how wayward his head still is sadly. I know I am not willing to go on like this forever - I can see the daily damage this is doing to me.

I also know God told me what to do. I know it sounds crazy but I don't doubt I am not supposed to give up yet. I guess basically I wanted to know if we could start the MB program while things are how they are now and my gut was correct - we are not going anywhere or doing anything as long as WH is being an [censored]. I see the value in MB and am hoping to use it as a couple if WH decides to get real. For now, I can use it to make me a better wife - for my WH or for after him if we end up divorced ;(

In the meantime I need to find a way to remain me within this nightmare and not be a doormat. I grew up a scapegoat in an abusive home and it continued in my marriage it seems. Never any physical abuse but boatloads of emotional abuse. In my head I KNOW how the man I married would be handling this and I won't accept anything less from WH. I just can't pull the plug just yet.

TST is the one who referred me here from another board when I wanted to read his wife's story. He reminds me very much of the man I married and I am still hoping that guy shows up soon. I know full well I am making my life hell by staying but if what I believe is on the other is actually there - well, I just can't give up that hope just yet. Plus there is the whole God said I can't leave yet thing.

I don't believe people are forced to change. I am a fWW/BS from my first marriage and it resurfaced after my recent initial Dday. Never went full blown wayward but enough showed up. WH didn't make me change, I did. Nobody was holding me accountable and I did the work on my own, because I wanted to. Nobody made me choose who I wanted to be - I chose to be authentic and healthy.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining about how bad my life is and won't listen to what you guys are saying. I may not be able to do what is suggested just yet but I did take away quite a bit from this thread. Mostly I'm not insane for demanding truth from my WH. Even if I don't do it in the conventional way just yet - the demand has been made none the less. I may eat those words and regret not doing what is adviced at some point, I know this.

Then you allow him to continue to abuse you.

We are not asking you to pull the plug, we are suggesting you do the best thing for your husband and your marriage and stop enabling your husband. Your approach does exactly that. God does not condone lying, enabling, unwarranted "forgiveness" or unconditional love. You and your husband are doing all of those things which is why this is not working. If you will stop doing this, your husband will either change or you will be free of a sick, abusive marriage. You hurt your husband and you hurt your mental and physical health by protecting the status quo. That gives the devil a foothold in your marriage.

When you feel God has given you direction, I would verify that through the Bible to make sure the "direction" does not come from below. That is what is happening here, IMO.


This is correct, you cannot force anyone to change. But you can encourage them to be sinful by enabling them. That is what you are doing by telling your husband that you will tolerate anything unconditionally. You are motivating him to be abusive. We are suggesting you give him motivation to become repentant and sincere about fixing his marriage.

God granted this permission a very very long time ago, so you don't have to ask Him for it.


Yes he did. But when I filed, I should have prayed and asked God first. I didn't. When I got really raw in my surrender to Him, he showed me I needed to stay for now. I was NOT a happy camper when i saw what he wanted. He never told me I would get a happy marriage or a healed husband but that HE would be here for me. He has proven that what I heard was correct MANY times since that day. He didn't tell me I had to just tolerate things or I would be stuck here forever - just to trust HIM in this. And I do.

I really do see what you are saying about it affecting my health and my kids. I have been working on fixing things with my children. WH isn't a total jerk still out cheating for the record. I know it's in my future again if things don't change so I'm not totally oblivious. I know he has to face what happened.

I realize what a nut I must sound like but so did Noah when he built an ark in the dessert honestly.

I will admit I had been enabling him in many ways. I am trying to find a way not to do that without a separation or divorce. I have told him it needs to stop and am not dropping it this time. I am not kissing his rear in this. I am calling him out on what he is allowing to happen. I am calling him out on not being the husband God wants him to be.

As hard as it was to read you thinking I am listening to the devil, I appreciate having to defend myself here. I know the changes in my heart in my relationship with God since he told me to not leave. There is no way this is from the devil. I am closer to GOD now than ever. I am becoming a warrior and this is a spiritual battle without a doubt. He has confirmed this so many times through so many people.

That doesn't make sense to me, WP. Why would God order you to forgo the protection He provides?

For the record, I have been a Christian since 1990, and God has never spoken to me in the way you describe. I just read what He's already said to everybody. In my experience, most people who claim God showed them something are contradicting what He already said to everybody, thousands of years ago.

Why?
When my kids come asking me for permission for something I've already given permission for, I find it very annoying.
You know his answer. He already gave it. I suspect you are listening to your fear, instead:

This is fear talking, not God.

God would not require you to stay to be tortured in a marriage of unconditional love with a WH. He has already told you 2000 years ago that you have his blessing to escape that through divorce. Hon, God didn't give every betrayed spouse EXCEPT YOU the right to divorce.

This is fear talking, not God.

You mean Princess Warrior said you can't leave, don't you? You don't WANT to separate. The Bible, which is God's word, gives you an out.

Tst and SMB are in a fully recovered marriage today because she held him fully accountable and would not accept him on any other terms. She pulled him out of the fire and they saved their marriage. I assure you she never enabled him.

I don't think this is hopeless at all. I think you have a chance if you will stop being an enabler.

We are trying to explain to you that millions of people have tried that and found that it DOES NOT WORK. There isn't another way. But you already have what you need - you just need to take it.

Ever heard the story of the guy on his roof in a flood, praying for God to save him while people go by in boats offering to save him?

You are getting messages from the dark, my dear. Messages that tell you to stay in an abusive situation and enable sinful behavior are not of God. It comes from the heart of WarriorPrincess. Yes, you are in a spiritual battle which is why it is so important to verify the messages you are getting. The Bible tells us not to associate with the works of darkness.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.
Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." ( John 3:19-21)

The reason God does not want us to associate with evil is because we can get pulled into the tarpit. That is what has happened here.

SMB held TST's feet to the fire! One of my all time favorite SMB posts:

People lead us astray, which is why God wants us to check what He WROTE, which is what MelodyLane encouraged you to do.

What God WROTE has already been confirmed - many many times, through many many more people than you can imagine.

I have no doubt you are a warrior, but shouldn't that mean taking advantage of the blessing God gave you?

God speaks to us in His Written word - are you skipping that part so that you can just hear what you want to hear?

Here's what God says:
"These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so."
http://biblehub.com/acts/17-11.htm

"Whereby, when ye read, ye may understand my knowledge in the mystery of Christ"
http://biblehub.com/ephesians/3-4.htm

"they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear."
http://biblehub.com/2_timothy/4-3.htm

This part is in red letters. God's Son said it:
"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."
http://biblehub.com/matthew/19-9.htm

God said this in a voice from heaven:
"And a cloud overshadowed them, and a voice came out of the cloud, 'This is my beloved Son; listen to him.'"
http://biblehub.com/mark/9-7.htm

"Calling him out" = enabling. It is just a smoke and mirror term you have applied to enabling. It is still enabling. You are telling him you will accept him under any and all conditions. He knows you will do nothing and he can continue to lie.

Will "calling him out" force him to tell the truth? If so, why hasn't he told the truth?

By hanging around this foggy wayward, his smoke has blinded your eyes. The devil gets a buy one, get one free in this deal!

He never said to forgoe his protection. He said to trust him. That doesnt mean i get what i want or whats easy, it just means to trust him. He hasn't abandoned me in this, he's used it to draw me in. Did God abandon Paul when he was in prison? Or Abraham when he ordered him to kill his son? Did God abandon job? Sometimes what looks crazy in human terms isnt at all through God's lens. Sometimes he has to allow a ton of crap into our lives to build our faith. I do realize I sound crazy. I know I'm not though. I know what I was told. I know my weakest area in my walk with Christ was trust and I know how much more trust I have now - regardless of what WH does or doesn't do. I know his ultimate goal is to make me closer to him, my human life is secondary to my spiritual one. I know I was told to stop fixating on my WH's issues and to fix me and my focus. No that doesn't mean WH gets to walk all over me - that's not what I am doing. I feel like I am not explaining myself well here at all ;(

I don't get how "trust God" means "don't separate from your husband and the harm he is doing to you." Was Paul not trusting God when the saints put him in a basket and lowered him over the wall?

It seems to me that "trust God" first and foremost starts with trusting the red letters. Other people who have done so aren't mistrusting God.

And again, since becoming a Christian in 1990, God has never spoken to me like this. And I've been through some pretty severe trauma (wayward mother, horrendous abusive marriage of my own).


I don't think anybody has called you crazy or suggested that God was abandoning you, so I'm not sure why you keep bringing it up. You don't sound crazy to me, but it does sound to me like you are dismissing a lot of what God has to say. Did you read the words of God in my previous post? Your trust in God sounds to me like it is very much based on feeling and not so much on reading God's authenticated Word which has been verified by so many witnesses. In my experience, feeling tends to lead us astray, and we need to be like those people God commended in truly listening to His words (which are written) to find our way.


Okay - if you go that direction, I'd like to ask: do you listen to God in His written word, daily?


I think you're explaining yourself fine; we just disagree with you and are worried that you are making a mistake that we have seen hundreds of people make before. We'd like to warn you. It's okay if you disagree with us - it doesn't mean we don't understand or you aren't explaining yourself well.

WP, did Paul ignore God's word? Because that is what we see happening here. When you act according to your own will in defiance of God's word, then you should know you are not getting messages from God. *YOU* have allowed a ton of crap into your lives. God did not do that.

Does God tell you to associate yourself with the works of darkness? So who do you think would send you such a "message?" Who benefits from that other than the dark one?

I do believe that God answered your prayers by sending you here to the same people who helped TST save his marriage. But we can't help you if you won't listen. TST's marriage was not saved through enabling.