Not to distract from the main point of being respectful, but dirty socks crumpled inside out in a ball after an hour long workout, tend to not get cleaned properly. And my son's...downright nasty. Now, the boy...I'll call him in to put them right, but I realize I can't do this for my wife. She wants me to just toss hers back in the hamper and let her know I didn't get to all her stuff.

She has agreed to place them in the hamper right side out since I generally do the laundry, and petty or not, it is an annoying habit. And that is the real issue. Before MB, she always felt I was annoyed by her. In truth, I was, but I was never O&H about it and would generally address the annoying behaviors passive-aggressively. So now that everything is getting in the open, she's working on them and I have become a lot less annoyed.

But I�m having a hard time believing that my resentment is due to sacrificing, her not meeting my EN (because she is), or dirty socks. I think it�s due to the fact that she went to bed with two other men. It�s that simple. She gave away something that I can�t get back and the thought of it absolutely DISGUSTS and HAUNTS me.

You know how Dr. H says couples in love see each other as attractive (regardless of the fact that they may be quite homely to him)? I�m sort of seeing the other side of that coin. I�m noticing things about her I�ve never noticed before. That alien who abducted my wife twice and turned her wayward is so incredibly ugly to me. I can�t help but see her when I look at my W, so I often turn away. It�s an unpleasant feeling not being able to see the same pretty face I�ve looked upon for fifteen years. If our M doesn�t work out, it�s not going to be from Lovebusting or failing to meet emotional needs or another affair (me or her). It�s going to be because I can no longer look at my wife without seeing (or feeling) that awful thing she did to me.

But I�ll keep giving it time. Years, I guess. It pains me to think we could be using this time really living the good life�but no�we are spending it in recovery�hope that's not just one more thing to resent.

I think something must be a little off with what you guys are doing for recovery. While recovery is hard work (because you have to learn new habits), overall it should be something that is very good for you: your wife meets your emotional needs, learns not to engage in abusive love busters, or incompatibility love busters, and together the two of you build a satisfying life that you are both enthusiastic about. In a sense recovery should be living the good life!

What's specifically missing? What about recovery is grueling for you?

You should not be dwelling on her affairs at this point. Recovery would be the same whether there had been affairs or not. Focus on recovery, and make it enjoyable. The affairs are in the past. Leave them there.

An obvious issue is dwelling on mistakes of the past. In recovery, you need to keep your focus on building a better future. So what do you do with those doubts and fears? You cover them with the right EPs. EPs make a repeat of the past mistakes impossible. So when your thoughts turn to something that your spouse did, think about how you have set in place ironclad protections that prevent that from happening again. If, upon reflection, you find holes in those EPs, then fix them. Don't indulge yourself with self pity over a lost past that never really existed in the first place.

I'm not quite sure how to say this, but the solution to this is to build the good life, now. Become fantastic friends with your wife, engage in long conversations with her that you enjoy, do things with her that you enjoy, be affectionate together, give each other sexual fulfillment, and build a life together that you enjoy.

Have the two of you considered moving? Many couples find that moving after an affair is when recovery really begins. Your habits (habits of thought and habits of action) are often associated with your environment. Enter a new environment together, and you start forming all new habits of thought and action, and drop a lot of old ones.

I totally get that. That's exactly what we're working on, and most of the time successful. But some days, it just gets to me. She went off and had the fun of an affair, completely disrespected me, and now she gets a great marriage out of it? I applaud the guys that can swallow that pill whole, because sometimes I have trouble. Today is one of those days.

I can say that we really do need some UA time. These past two weeks have been pretty sad.


Well...we did move. Both her affairs happened right before a big move. We're forming all new habits (of thought and action). There really aren't any old habits we carried forward.

That makes perfect sense and I think everybody here can understand that.

But the question is, do you want to let the trauma that has happened to you rob you of the possibility of a happy life in the present and future?


Yes - don't take this risk any more!

I had to do a quick review here to see where your at... by my guesstimation, you are about 3 months since last contact, correct?

Also, you are having a tendency to give in to angry outbursts and bring up the affair, correct?


It isn't all that out of the ordinary this close in that you vacillate from one extreme to another on a day-to-day basis.

The first year of recovery is hell.


What I can assure you of, is that if you eliminate environmental and behavioral triggers, and train yourself to push past those emotional pangs... it does get better.

Gradually, over time, as you rewire past the betrayal with good marital habits and care... it will fade.


But, for that to happen... you have to allow it to fade. You have to learn to push back those images, and redirect your attention.

3 years is a long way from 3 months, I assure you.

Buckle down, and cage the rage.

MM, did you read that thread I linked for you?

RQ,

Yes, many times. While I have to believe the resentment will fade over time, I don't believe I'll last long enough to see it happen. It's not just resentment that I struggle with. With two sexual affairs (with two OM so foul, its downright EMBARASSING to be in the same club), I have lost all confidence and sense of value. She shredded my "man card".

The second affair really changed me. I'm rotting from the inside. I'm becoming more vile than I ever knew I could be. As an act of mercy, for me and FWW, we'll be starting the process for D after the new year. I'll still be left with the resentment but I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror without seeing a sad sack of a man who's value is so low he has to SHARE his wife sexually with multiple OM, just to take her back each time.

You know, I'll always care for her and probably even let her have a positive balance in my $LB but in light of the emotional injury I suffered, the romantic threshold for love is just too high for her to meet. I can't spend five years recovering something that won't work when I could be reclaiming my lost (stolen) pride by standing up for myself and starting fresh.

In light of this decision I'd like to rescind my earlier post expressing a desire to be a beacon of hope for the BHs of serial cheating (sexual type) WWs. It's not going to be me. All that great stuff in the middle of my thread was CLASSIC hysterical bonding. It was was VERY fun while it lasted at least.

And this...

You have every right to divorce your wife for her adultery. Absolutely. But I want to caution you that, in spite of the reason for the divorce, Dr. Harley says divorce is a very painful process as well and sets up its own problems, like child visitation and custody issues and child support.

My H also had two affairs, so I wondered why the heck would I even consider giving him yet another chance after the 2nd one? The reason is because the first time we didn't truly undergo recovery. We had no Extraordinary Precautions. Our counselors didn't even discuss the conditions for the affair. I mean...???? Why would a good counselor skip a very fundamental part of recovery after an affair? She just didn't know.

The result is that we had a lingering painful recovery that went the way of "Forgive and Forget." The marriage sort of recovered, but it wasn't better than before the affair. It was about the same with traveling and IB and dishonesty. My ENs continued to be mostly unmet. Wasn't really much of a recovery at all, not compared to an MB recovery.

So that's why I gave him a second chance. This time we have MB. This time we have tools that we use and principles to abide by every day.

Now if he has another affair after an MB recovery, he's gone.

Would you be willing to consider this as a reason for you to give your marriage a couple of years of recovery? Your wife seems willing to follow MB.

MM, why didn't you tell us the full truth:


What on earth? How is that appropriate behavior to be going on under the same roof as your children, by their father? And how on earth would your wife deserve this? Abuse does not justify abuse, and an affair does not justify revenge affairs. It sounds like your main intent is simply to torture your wife to punish her. This is disgusting.

And this bit of sarcastic and nasty abuse is also uncalled for:

Have the decency to do this right: if your intent is to torture this woman, just SHUT UP and divorce her, quickly and quietly.

And you'll "probably even let her have a positive balance in" your love bank? What, she can be part of your harem? One of your whores?

Noone will fault you for divorce, but if you think this kind of behavior is going to lead to your happiness, I have to tell you that you are mistaken. And if you think this is healthy for your children, again I have to tell you that you are mistaken. And if you think that we at Marriage Builders will cheer you on while you torture your wife for her affairs, again you are mistaken.

Like she said, "not my exact words" Here are the exact words...HER exact words in one of her numerous ILYBNILWY emails.

"I�ve thought before that we actually make pretty good working partners. You don�t deserve to be screwed over, neither to the kids. In essence, what I am requesting is that you enter into a �working� relationship with me. I will come to VA and help you set up the house. I will stay until the kids are a few years older, say; DD is out of high school. In return I would ask that I could be released to go my own way once DD is done with school and you�re done with the Navy. I will continue to be there for the kids, but I would also like to further my career.....I don�t expect you to take a vow of celibacy for the next four years. I don�t know what the answer is to that problem, but I�m open to ideas."

My words were closer to "you had a plan and I think we should put it into action. And I'm not going to SF myself for the next few years, I'd like to have at least a little fun."

In no way was I implying (or would consider) inviting whores into my home where my kids sleep. But I think it's reasonable to expect if she wants me to maintain a sham marriage so she doesn't look like the bad guy and continues to get all non-intimate needs met by me, I don't have to treat my marriage as anything other than that. It's a stretch to call it a RA when the W has me move into the basement for 4 years while she moves on with her life. And, yes, it was a jab at her too.

I think my post above pretty clearly indicated this is my plan. I've become a rotten person and think it best to do just that.

Again with the whores? No...merely stating that I'll always care for and always have a space in my heart for her. It's a shame it's come to this. We REALLY have good chemistry. There will definitely be a sense of loss on both our parts.


1. Not mistaken. I realize it won't lead to happiness which is why I've kept my distance and separated in home until more appropriate arrangements can be made. My happy day will come eventually.
2. Not mistaken. My children will realize the failed marriage is due to the serial affairs of their mother. Certainly not healthy, I agree.
3. Not mistaken. I haven't asked for, nor do I expect a cheerleader. What gave you the idea I wanted a pat on the back for giving up?

But she doesn't want that now though. And you moved yourself into the basement. Just sayin.

You want to divorce her? Go ahead. But all of this "kick her to the curb" stuff is just going to make your life worse. Besides that, it's dishonorable. I wish I could find the clip for you where Dr. H mentions this phrase. It was this year sometime. Maybe someone else can find it.

Just out of curiosity, since you don't like the "MB way" of dealing with resentment, what's your plan for that? You've mentioned it at least twice now and have cited it as the reason you've decided to quit.

MB doesn't have provisions to allow a BS to wallow in resentment. Resentment is a dead end street. It leads nowhere. Like many of our instinctual responses, it is counterproductive to any resolution, even divorce. Resentment expresses itself as anger, and anger makes you temporarily insane. MM made such an abrupt about face because he chose to cave in to his instincts. Following that path is very foolish. It will hurt you in the end, but it is a very natural thing to do.

I'm not sure about that. That particular statement may have been when she was in the fog, but for the past 15 years she has always made sure I knew she regretted marrying me. And that she only married me because she didn't have the confidence to take care of herself after leaving home, and she only had kids because I wanted them. She�s always dreamed of trying to make it on her own...no kids...no husband...no restrictions. Just because she said this stuff while in a fog as well, doesn't mean she doesn't feel that way actually.

I'm not just blowing smoke here. I truly believe many of her behaviors (including the As) were so that I would finally give her wish of independence. She didn't have the confidence to pull the trigger so she has forced me to do it by crossing an "uncrossable line". After the first PA, I was too weak to pull that trigger. So, in the years following, her IB and SD increased tenfold and had a more brazen affair just to push the envelope...Yes, I think she wants this (D) but still isn�t ready to be the one who does it. Frankly, I'm still struggling with the required intestinal fortitude needed as well.

The only time I ever suggested kicking her to the curb was within the first 20 minutes of discovering the affair. Since then, we've actually discussed how we see dividing assets, who lives where, and CS considerations. There's no kicking anyone anywhere.

Great question but you know I can't answer it here. I've thoroughly accepted every MB concept except handling resentment (I've got mountains). I've read multiple other books. One in particular is overall MB heavy but it handles resentment differently. Again...non-MB so not posting it. Wife doesn't want to do it because it's non-MB. I thought as the BH one of my conditions for repairing the M was for my W to commit to a recovery program of MY choice. I guess that's only if my choice is her choice.

I know I don't have to tell you this, but I think there's some misunderstanding about resentment in the world, particularly on the part of the unfaithful. The resentment is not only about the sex with AP, although it's definitely part. Once a BS finds out about the affair resentment comes from everywhere. I have to move, I have to change jobs, I have to take ADs, I have to spend countless hours reading books I never hoped to need, I have to snoop non-stop, I have to expose and be known as the guy who got shamed AGAIN, I get to lose sleep, I get stress headaches, I get nightmares, I get an STD...you get the point.

Oh, and my favorite thing to be resentful about, the thing Dr. Harley told me on the radio show...There is only one LOGICAL and INTELLEGENT choice when kids are involved (at least in our case), and that is recovery...Although I agree with him, it pisses me off because it's not really a CHOICE if there's only one option, is it? She routinely abused me with IB and sexual affairs but I don't really have a choice to do anything other than R. Here�s the truth�most of the time I WANT to R, but she and MB says I HAVE to (otherwise I'm making a non-intelligent and EMOTIONAL decision). How's that for resentment. She has an affair again and gets to tell me I HAVE to recover or I'm being stupid.

Dr. Harley thinks I may be suffering from some form of obsessive personality disorder. I don�t think I SOUND obsessive. Plus in my line of work I get a full mental workup annually. Granted I haven�t had one since Dday.

That's wayward thinking.

You have a number of choices. You can choose to recover. You can choose to simply and quietly divorce.

What you are choosing to do, instead of either of those, is to punish and abuse your wife. That is not healthy for anybody. Not her, not your kids, and definitely not you.

Any program that would allow you to hang on to your resentment will NOT lead you to recovery. Your wife is right in refusing to go that route.