|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
She claims that she doesn't remember everything. Dates she saw him etc. That's a common excuse and she is most likely lying
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 Likes: 1 |
Survivingit,
I believe you mentioned OM was a fireman, is he in a position of authority, you may be able to get him demoted or fire.
It sounds like the OM lives nearby.
God Bless
Gamma
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20 |
I asked her again to tell me the truth. She says she is. She said there isn't anything that I don't know. Also, she's constantly telling me that it was in the past and we need to concentrate on the future.
When I ask for specifics she won't tell me anything more than she already has.
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I really don't think I'm gonna get more out of her at this point or it's just the fact that there isn't anymore.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Hi SI, welcome to Marriage Builders, you are in the right place. Yes, you do need to know the facts about the affair. Do you think there is more? Once all the facts are known the affair should never be brought up again. After the facts are known, all of your focus should be on a) affair proofing your marriage and b) creating a romantic relationship. Please go read the "start here first" thread but in the meantime, Dr Harley gives an overview of how to recover your marriage in Requirements for Recovery: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. So you believe she has not completed the first step. I sugggest a polygraph exam and that you explain to her yk u love her and want to recover but need to know the truth. Have yoyu fullyexposed it? If OM is a city employee expose to his employer also
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20 |
I'm not sure how anyone on here tells there wife that they believe they are lying and want to make sure she isn't, and to take a lie detector to make sure she isn't.
If she said that to me I'd be hurt that she thought I was lying.
Last edited by SURVIVINGIT; 11/22/13 05:08 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I'm not sure how anyone on here tells there wife that they believe they are lying and want to make sure she isn't, and to take a lie detector to make sure she isn't.
If she said that to me I'd be hurt that she thought I was lying. The way you would frame it is to tell her you still have serious questions and in order to move forward, you would appreciate it if she would take a polygraph to validate her story. You are giving her an opportunity to earn your trust. It is in her best interest because it bolsters her story and gives you reassurance. When you tell her this, I would hand her a list of questions and tell her these are the questions I would like answered. I would appreciate it if you would answer these FIRST and then take a polygraph to validate your answers. You don't call your wife a liar but you also don't need to pretend like she is a truthful person. She is untrustworthy and the polygraph is an opportunity for her to EARN you trust.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20 |
Surprisingly. I asked if she would take a lie detector test and she said sure she has nothing to hide. It was a emotional conversation because she still cries as if she is ashamed of the affair. I think she thinks I look at her differently now. I assured her that I forgive her and also brought up what I did wrong, as if to say I understand.
I may not go through with the lie detector only because she was so quick to answer.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Surprisingly. I asked if she would take a lie detector test and she said sure she has nothing to hide. It was a emotional conversation because she still cries as if she is ashamed of the affair. I think she thinks I look at her differently now. I assured her that I forgive her and also brought up what I did wrong, as if to say I understand.
I may not go through with the lie detector only because she was so quick to answer. Well I encourage you to do it. Many spouses have said no problem and then spilled their guts a couple days before the test. Anyone who watches the Steve Wilkos show or The Test knows that people lie up to theactual test.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20 |
Just one more question for everyone on here. I think I know the answer already but don't know how to deal with it.
My wife wants to goto the firehall for bingo. Her affair partner is there every three weeks. I have asked her not to go and over the last 7 months she's only gone 2 times on her own. These times he wasn't up there witnessed by me.
She is stating that she does nothing now and that she stays home, cooks, cleans does laundry, and watches the kids. The main complaint is her having no time to herself according to her. However, the only thing she wants is to goto bingo. It's not really time to herself, it's going to be with her friends up there.
What is the proper course of action?
How do I make her feel as if she isn't in prison??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
You had an affair that lasted well over a year, and your wife had an affair that lasted a few months at most. Correct? Yet you are complaining that she can't remember enough detail to give you a day-by-day account of her sexual contact with OM. At risk of stating the obvious, you had extramarital sex infinitely more times than your wife did. You couldn't possibly give your wife a day-by-day account of your sexual contact with OW because your affair began 2 years ago and you were still in contact with OW until a few months ago! Why are you grilling your wife for details and acting like her parole officer when you haven't even begun to provide your wife with just compensation and implement precautions for yourself? Given the current circumstances, the odds of you cheating are exponentially higher than the odds of your wife cheating. I suggest you stop pointing the finger at your wife and take a good long look in the mirror...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20 |
Jessica,
Every point that you have is valid. I agree that I am more at risk of having an affair again. That being said, I'm just floored by the whole thing. The saying, it's good for me, but not for you is kinda where I am.
I look at myself and I know what I did. I know the places I've went with the affair person, sex, etc. I sometimes have played the victim forgetting those things.
That all said, I can't get out of my head her sexual encounter with someone else. I can't stop thinking about it. I know what I've done is 50 times worse what she did in every aspect. I just am having a real problem with it and needed help dealing with it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
You had an affair that lasted well over a year, and your wife had an affair that lasted a few months at most. Correct? Yet you are complaining that she can't remember enough detail to give you a day-by-day account of her sexual contact with OM. At risk of stating the obvious, you had extramarital sex infinitely more times than your wife did. You couldn't possibly give your wife a day-by-day account of your sexual contact with OW because your affair began 2 years ago and you were still in contact with OW until a few months ago! Why are you grilling your wife for details and acting like her parole officer when you haven't even begun to provide your wife with just compensation and implement precautions for yourself? Given the current circumstances, the odds of you cheating are exponentially higher than the odds of your wife cheating. I suggest you stop pointing the finger at your wife and take a good long look in the mirror... He has a right to know the details of the affair and a polygraph is completely justified
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Just one more question for everyone on here. I think I know the answer already but don't know how to deal with it.
My wife wants to goto the firehall for bingo. Her affair partner is there every three weeks. I have asked her not to go and over the last 7 months she's only gone 2 times on her own. These times he wasn't up there witnessed by me.
She is stating that she does nothing now and that she stays home, cooks, cleans does laundry, and watches the kids. The main complaint is her having no time to herself according to her. However, the only thing she wants is to goto bingo. It's not really time to herself, it's going to be with her friends up there.
What is the proper course of action?
How do I make her feel as if she isn't in prison?? Sir she isn't in prison. The problem is that she isn't in live with you and is using this as opportunity to hopefully see her affair partner or get a high off of being in the environment that made the affair possible. At this point you a should focus on exposure of the affair
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
He has a right to know the details of the affair and a polygraph is completely justified. Obviously, he has a right to information and a polygraph is justified. However, that misses my point. My point is that his attitude is more than a little hypocritical. He is requiring her to disclose highly detailed information about her affair, but he isn't disclosing the same level of detail regarding his affair. He is requiring her to pay just compensation for her affair, but he isn't paying just compensation for his affair. He is making sure that her affair is completely exposed, but he isn't completely exposing his own affair. He is requiring her to implement extraordinary precautions, but he isn't implementing extraordinary precautions. How do you figure that double standard is going to be effective, Jedi?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20 |
Jessica,
You keep insinuating that I kept her in the dark about everything. Whatever questions she has asked I have answered truthfully. With her I didn't get the same in return. She tried to cover up every major point of her affair. I kept digging and that's the only reason I am where I am. This trickle truth has messed with my head to the point that her trustworthiness is worse than when I originally discovered the affair.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
If you haven't completed Dr. Harley's checklist of "to do's" for ending your own affair, I suggest you take a break from listing your wife's transgressions and start making amends for your own:
_____Reveal information about your affair to your betrayed wife.
_____Make a commitment to your betrayed wife to never see or talk to OW again.
_____Write a letter to the OW ending the relationship and send it with the approval of your betrayed wife.
_____Take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the OW.
_____Block potential communication with the OW (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by your betrayed wife).
_____Account for time (betrayed wife and you give each other a 24-hr daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed wife and you give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Please have enough integrity to take these steps regarding your own affair before complaining that your wife hasn't taken them regarding her affair. You've put yourself in a position of authority by requiring her to take steps that you refuse to take. As long as your double standard continues, you should expect her to continue viewing herself as if she were a prisoner and you were the jailer. Remember, your goal is to restore her love for you, not make her resent you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Sir I'm confused.
Are you also having an affair?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20 |
I was having an affair yes. We both were.
Jessica,
Ur demeaning nature to me isn't what I need at this point. I'm on here for what I've determined as something I'm having a hard time handling. You keep saying in hiding details from her or denying her information. That's not the case and it doesn't seem like I can b more clear.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
When I point out your "Do as I say, not as I do" attitude, you take offense. Why haven't you written a No Contact letter to the OW? Why haven't you changed your contact information? Why haven't you implemented EP's? How do you figure your marriage can be restored by holding your wife accountable, while you continue avoiding accountability? You seem to think the steps to recovery are appropriate for your wife, but too demeaning for you. Why is that?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 20 |
I've done all of this. No contact in two months now. Not in the specified steps above but the bottom line is I have no interest in her and it's been over for 7 months.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
273
guests, and
28
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,613
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
