If you haven't done the steps, how can you claim "I've done all of this"? You didn't write a No Contact letter. You didn't change your contact info. You didn't implement EP's. Saying you are no longer interested in OW doesn't let you off the hook for taking those steps.

Getting defensive and making excuses isn't going to save your marriage. Please read through Dr. Harley's checklist and actually do each of the steps.

Sir have you read Surviving An Affair by Dr Willard Harley?
He is very clear that all of the steps he recommends in the program muat be followed for success in reconciliation.

I encourage you to do the following:

1: Write a No Contact letter to your affair partner. Follow the template provided; usually your betrayed spouse would read and approve the letter prior to sending however your wife probably has a free love attitude and won't care. So I would show her the letter and(1) apologize profusely again and (2) say that you have a plan to create a loving romantic marriage where both of your needs are met.

EXPOSE YOUR AFFAIR AND HER AFFAIR TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

2: Schedule the polygraph and tell her you have it scheduled and ask if there is anything she wants to ask you.

3. Tell her : "it hurts me when you go to the fire station. " you should also demand that she write a No Contact letter to her affair partner.

4. Install a GPS unit on her vehicle and keylogger software on her phone and computer.

5. During this time you should be in Plan A. Please read about Plan A and think of how you can meet your wifes emotional needs.

6. Stop all lovebusting behavior like disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts.

During this time you need to retrain your way of life. I suggest you listen to Dr Harleys radio show daily. It is available on the website or you can download the Marriage Builders app onto your smartphone free of charge. Juat go to the Marriage Builder website and it is in the upper corner.

The Book Surviving an Affair contains detailed plans on how to safeguard your marriage and maintain romantic love forever.
However both affairs must have ended. You must both commit to never seeing or speaking to your affair parter (s) for the rest of your lives.
In your case Dr Harley would probably recommend you move away and start over using his guidelines.

Do you know who the OM is?

What are you doing to clean up your side of the street?

Yes I have confronted the other guy. I have stopped communication completely on my side for the last two months. Two months prior I spoke to her approx 5 times. Did not see her.

I don't believe she has talked or seen him since may.

I had my wife read the posts on this thread over the weekend. We are both against exposing the affairs to our families. I think this does nothing but hurt everyone involved. I understand what the purpose is. She is of the mindset that it would only turn her family against me.

We have had many conversations over the last 7 months and I feel our relationship is in a good place. I still struggle with the facts of her relationship, however, I am more confident than last week in regards to having received them all. Mostly because she was so agreeable to the lie detector and that's very out of character for her.

I may be a fool but I think that a cookie cutter type program that boost one size fits all may not be necessary for us/me.

I want to thank all of you for sharing all of your thoughts and suggestions. They are appreciated.

SurvivingIt,


That is not surprising given you both had As. The shame prevents you from doing what is right.

Your M will survive her family's distain for you. This is your M not your family's.


You couldn't be further from the truth.

Why did you come here? Because you don't believe your W has told you everything. Meaning you don't trust her or her word. You're left to speculate and make assumptions. FYI: Just because she agreed to a poly doesn't mean she's telling the truth. To think it does is taking a chance and chances aren't what it takes to be responsible.

The folks here have been trying to get you to follow this program because it rebuilds the trust that was lost. How to you earn back trust? By being accountable and putting in EPs that make you trustworthy. How can you be accountable? Well for starters you stop hiding the truth and get those that care about you to help you stay accountable.

If your families find out what you're doing to recover your M I'd put good money they'd be on board not turned against you.

Everybody thinks their experience is an exception. Calling the program a "cookie cutter" is a common criticism of those who won't follow it. People who try to go their own way do so at great peril. It is your choice, but know what you are doing. You are choosing a path that usually leads to disaster.

Then why did she have an affair? Oh right, she thought she could do so without your telling anyone.



I have seen few affairs that did not fit a very narrow description. Even the statements made by the spouses involved matched exactly. Yours is one of the more textbook type situations.

Going without exposure to save face sounds like this will always be a deep dark secret you two will always struggle with.