[quote=MelodyLane See, you are waiting for a magic feeling to attack you against your will. That will never happen because feelings follow actions. Your actions won't allow any feelings to develop. [/quote]



I have feelings, they are just not the ones that prompt me to fill my ww's love bucket. The feelings are anger, disgust, helpless, worry, anxiety, doubt, frustration, disappointment, hurt, sadness, shock, depression, PTSD, humiliation, betrayal.

The question is how do you overcome those feelings to meet your ww's EN's.

Again, my WW didn't leave the affair. The OG was going to loose his business if he continued to pursue her. He walked away from her. She stayed around as long as she could waiting for him to change his mind.

One of the comments that I keep going back to is something that I continue to tell my wife. She asks me - don't I seem different than back then.

My comment is that I must have been drinking a glass of denial each and every day because if I would have thought for one second that she was still pursuing the OG, she would have been out of the house and out of my life.

That is very hard for me. Even the first post in Dec 2010, she is begging to go to this stupid work holiday party and I totally believe why she wants to go. Duhhhh - how could I be so stupid.

I tell her there is no way she is going to work out (post D day) at his unofficial gym in an empty office, yet she turns it on me that I am being controlling. So after a huge argument in the morning I drive her work out gear to the office and drop it off for her. Here you go. Again I trusted her.

Didn't understand why she couldn't wait for me to leave the office, so that I didn't run into the OG.

I guess I just naturally trusted my wife. Even after she betrayed me I trusted her to no end. Now I am having a hard time getting back on that horse or into the fight. Does that make sense?

I'm trying to read this thread and do not have access...it could be because the account I am using is restricted ?

How do I get it fixed ?

Thank you.

THG,

Was there ever a downside for the OM? Please tell me you sued the company.

Did you ever expose the OM widely to his children relatives coworkers at his church?

God Bless
Gamma

THG- I could not relate to you more. I know exactly how you feel. Feb 2014 will be 2years into our R. Feel free to read my thread in the recovery forum here for the details.

What I can tell you is that if you don't use MB like the Bible and incorporate every single step, most likely your R will suffer.

If you don't remove ALL the triggers in your environment, as you know, the feelings will stay at the surface. No one wants those constant reminders thrown in their face.

One way you can overcome those feelings to meet her EN's is by believing that "feelings follow actions". Dr Harley encourages couples to be enthusiastic about meeting EN's. How can you meet them for her in a way that works for both of you? Has she been able to make a list of specific things you can do for her that do meet her needs while at the same time make you feel comfortable?

I really encourage you to practice re-directional thinking. How can you 'change the channel in your mind' when the thoughts start to creep in? I have had to practice this technique. But, I have removed all triggers within my control from our environment and it has been a huge help.

We have even gone as far as not going to my In-Laws because they live in the town that the A took place. This has caused a big strain on our family but I refuse to just 'suck it up'. No way. I might be ready at some point to go back there but not now.

How do you feel about how you both us POJA? How do you feel about the EP's? Are you feeling safer with her yet?

POJA, RH and UA time have made the biggest impact on our R. If you aren't getting your UA time in, you will not R. Honestly, it took me almost 1-1/2 years to start to fall back in love with my FWW.

Remember that the times you feel terrible are just that...1 point in time. That does not define your future. Try to open your Love Bank. I know how hard it is. You don't want to be hurt again. But if you don't, then you will never fall back in love together.

Finally, don't put too much pressure on yourself. This is absolutely a marathon not a race. Take it one step at a time. 2-5 years is the average R. Remember that!

I have feelings, they are just not the ones that prompt me to fill my ww's love bucket. The feelings are anger, disgust, helpless, worry, anxiety, doubt, frustration, disappointment, hurt, sadness, shock, depression, PTSD, humiliation, betrayal.

The question is how do you overcome those feelings to meet your ww's EN's.

[/quote]

You meet her needs just like we told you to do. Feelings follow actions. Stop talking about the affair and start scheduling UA time where you meet each others ENs. This is very basic stuff that you should have been doing a long, long time ago.

You have to actually DO the program in order for it to work.

One other thing that might encourage you.

STOP talking about the past. Everything. Anything. I don't like talking about last weekend, let alone last year. Staying in the NOW has taken a long time to train myself (and I still struggle at times). However, talking about today and planning for tomorrow while being forward thinking, has helped me R.

Get focused on today and tomorrow. Stop telling the story. Stop looking to the past for answers. Just stop.

This is one of the things my wife and I continue to say to each other (I'm the wayward spouse):

"We are moving forward together...moving from the past."

"he past is history, don't dwell on it - just focus on us and out future. That's what is important"

I texted her these messages just today actually - it is really what has helped us more than anything.

I exposed him to his business and to his wife. His father who started the business is elderly and has memory loss issues. My wife went to their lawyers without me the day after I exposed. They convinced her to sign a waiver saying it was consenting.

What I really want to do is send out a mailing to everyone he does business with. I have his photo from the charity children's cancer golf outing he invited her to from work and I want to add a nice caption under the photo and mail it out. I have been fighting that urge for several months now.

This is a link that Brain posted to me on dealing with triggers (I hope it works) perhaps you may find it useful to!


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2764563

Thank you - I appreciate your insights...

Thank you for the radio archive link.

We removed as many triggers as possible short of moving away from the city we live in. I asked her to donate her golf clubs, bicycle, and other things that were associated with the affair. Months later she reluctantly made a trip to Goodwill.

When we are in the car together I suggested she hold my hand while driving past a trigger. She has done that each and every time since then and it has helped.

One of the other big things she did was to go to our church and participate in reconciliation. That was a very positive event for her and me too.

So now after three years the big one is do I simply have to get out the bible when I have down time in my brain and stop thinking about the betrayal or do I have to find a job in another state and move away.

I keep hearing that it would be best to move. Thoughts?

Yes, move and use the program. It works!

We moved from one end of the province to the end, and it's honestly saved our marriage.
It was the BEST decision we made. I say GO FOR IT!!!!

THG,

Has your sex life returned to normal or better than normal?

In spite of your WW signing that paper I would still hand this over to a bottom dwelling attorney with a full page ad in the phone book and let him go after OM and his company.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes. I am with you, but we spoke to a lawyer and there isn't really a case.

Reading how you think and feel, THG, is very much like I used to think, so I think I understand your point of view, your feelings of hurt and betrayal. I needed to find a way forward to get out of my negative thinking, dwelling on the A and digging for more information and you ask about similar help. I'd like to share the way I found helpful to me and hope it might be helpful to you too.

I started by looking at my beliefs. I believed that my H was totally to blame for his EA. I took no responsibility. I did not understand Dr Harley's concept of "just compensation". To me it looked like my H had the enjoyment of an EA and now I was asked to make him happy with a great marriage. It felt like he got away without any punishment and now was even rewarded for his bad behaviour with me fulfilling his EN and giving him a better marriage than before.

I could not stop thinking about the A because doing so seemed like accepting that my H would get away without punishment. So while thinking about it hurt me and made me sad and bitter, it also served to show my sadness and hurt to my husband and remind him of how bad he had been. Bringing up his EA also reminded him, so again it served to punish him. He calls it "rubbing his nose in it".

Can you identify with any of my beliefs and feelings?

The change for me came when I found myself experiencing what it was like to be on his side when my need for SF was sometimes greater than his need now. That situation was a novelty to me. I had spared no thought to what it must have felt for him during the years when he did not get this need met by me.

I started to look at what I had done to cause his love for me to dwindle and that generated empathy in me for him. It softened me. I could then see that he is not totally to blame. I have to take some blame too.

Dr Harley says that we are responsible for how much love our spouse feels for us.

It might be more helpful for you to think about that and how life felt like from your wife's point of view. It might help you to not see her as only the villan and you only the good guy.

If you acknowledge and accept that you didn't fulfill your wife's EN and that she lost her love for you because of that which paved the way to her having an A, it will help you to feel a little sorry for her situation too and that empathy might help you be more open to giving her affection. That has been my experience.

Looking at it this way has helped me change my thinking from laying all the blame on my H so that I can feel blameless. Maybe that is what Steve Harley means when he says that you need to change your channel?

Blaming your wife for everything might keep you stuck in your negative thinking. You need to WANT to stop thinking those thoughts in order to be willing to distract your thoughts away from the A. Maybe by generating some understanding for your wife's side of the story and creating empathy for her, you can open yourself up to be willing to let go of the past and concentrate on making the present great? That has been my way of moving forward. I hope it might be helpful to you too.

Edited for spelling mistake.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I appreciate it. I too struggle to take any responsibility for my wife's infidelity. Yes, I took a job which required 100K miles of travel each year. Yes, that job added allot of stress to our lives. But, that job also allowed us to send our children to private colleges. We looked each other in the eye and agreed.

I had opportunities to be unfaithful while traveling. It must have been something in my Germany heritage because a young, very attractive colleague in Germany was interested in me. I did not pursue her. End of story. A senior business leader was traveling to our hometown on business and she made it very clear that she would like to 'hook up' while she was in town. Following the team dinner I said thank you for the offer to go out for drinks, got into my car and drove home. I could not break my vow with my wife and mess around with someone else. No matter what - I couldn't do it.

That makes it very difficult for me to see it from her perspective. I am not trying to play the I am better than you card, but my Catholic education kicks in or something that I just could not betray my spouse. When I was in high school a girl that I had dated 'went out' with someone else. Once that happened we were done. I never dated her again.

Funny thing is the night I met my wife at a local bar, this other girl had just come back from college for winter break. We talked for a few minutes. I ended the conversation by - I will give you a call. She said 'sure you will'. I never did.

To answer your question, what have I done to cause her love to dwindle? I traveled 100K miles per year. I worked really really hard in a Global Directors role for a Fortune 250 company. I did not meet my wife's EN's. Yes, I get the fact that the door was left open. But, I have to wonder doesn't morality and a belief that even if what we have is flawed I cannot act like a 20 year old again. I vowed to a person that I go to be with every night not to do that.

What I have learned the past few weeks is that I do have an obsessive personality. Heck I spent 5 years on a crusade to create a non-profit to take over city run facilities because they were run so poorly. So in the past few weeks besides working to improve our UA time I have worked hard to stop obsessing. The author of the book that I read believes that the obsessive thoughts are covering up our ability to feel our true feelings. I have to agree because since that time I have tried to think less and feel more. The feeling that has come to the surface is anger. Old fashioned un-abashed anger. Man am I mad.

I believe that before I can forgive my wife, I have to be able to accept what has happened. That is very hard while constantly being surrounded by reminders of the past. Again this weekend I drive down the main East / West highway and count 5 - 6 reminders of the past. The sadness soon follows.

Another author wrote about triggering memories and how our brains are hard wired. He used the dog, bell and food experiment to prove his point. Ring a bell, 30 seconds later feed your dog. Repeat for several days. Now ring the bell, but do not feed the dog. The dog starts to salivate. The dogs brain has been hard wired.

Everyone on the forum believes the right answer to move forward and past the triggers is to get a new job 100's of miles away and move. The only person that hasn't suggested that is Steve Harley. I asked myself why? I think Steve understands that there will be no support system in a new city and that moving will solve one problem and present a new problem. Heck I even gave my father a hard time when he moved to Florida with his new wife a decade ago.

What happened to the saying God, Family, and [enter your favorite NFL team here]?

I will create a list of how I did not meet my wife's ENs and share that list with her tonight. I will also simply enjoy the holidays with my family!

Our young priest shared a story at church on Sunday. An Irish man's father was dying and he traveled home to be with him before he passed. He was too late. When he saw his brother he asked, did Dad have any last words. He said no, Mom was by his side the whole time.

He talked about how Joseph, Jesus' father does not have one quote in the entire bible. A strong quiet man who took in a son that he knew was not his and raised him as if he was his own son. Gave so that his family could have a better life.

If I had been unfaithful to my spouse, what would I ask her to do and what would I expect of myself? That might just be the issue. While I expect my wife to act with humility, remorse, and regret it took 18 months before she started to work on our recovery.