Hello everyone, Im so glad I found this page and people that are dealing or have felt with similar situations.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10 and have two young kids. I found out a week ago that he had a year long affair. You may think I'm naive but in all honestly I thought we were very happy together, thought we were blessed. Clearly I was wrong. This has hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm having a very difficult time. We have always had a great marriage, never any drama. Sure things were not like they were when we didn't have kids but honestly, we got along well.
I suspected something was wrong when he was not looking for sex. I asked him several times and we had lengthy discussions and just attributed to him being tired with his very stressful life. I actually felt sorry for him.
Last week I received an email from his lovers husband telling me about this whole thing and the fact that she is pregnant with my husbands child. I was floored. I confronted him immediately and he admitted without hesitation. He had met this woman at work (she was his junior), and began an innocent flirtation. She later relocated to a different state and they continued their relationship through innocent texts and emails. Until one day they met at a work meeting by chance. That night they had sex for the first time. They never saw each other again for months but continued to communicate. He says it was because he felt awful and the only other person who knew how he felt was her. Then this past June they met up again by chance and ended up together in bed. After that encounter they started planning to meet up and did so several more times. He was traveling an hour and a half each time to meet her. In August, he ended the affair as he knew it was wrong and no longer wanted to do it. He says he was never in love with her nor did he ever want a relationship outside our marriage. He does not know why he did this such awful thing, answers that do not help me. We had a good sex life prior to this happening. In October, he got an email from her telling him she is pregnant with his child. He wanted to tell me everything but was waiting until we went back home so I could have someone for support as I have no one here.
He is incredibly remorseful and wants to work on our marriage and rebuild it piece by piece. He has cried and asked for forgiveness every night. I believe him and I know he is being honest. He met with her In October only to talk about the pregnancy and spoke to her last weekend just for the same purpose.
I don't know where to go from here. Can I just forgive and forget? Im not sure I'm that good of a person. I think I owe it to my children to try and save our marriage but how will I ever trust him again? How will we ever make love again without me picturing him with her?
All these questions are blinding me. I don't know how to move on. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and hurt.

Then there is the issue of the child. He does not want contact with him but has offered child support. Apparently, if there is no relationship between them, she wants neither. I could care less about her� but the mother in me feels sorry for that child that did not ask to be born under these circumstances. I don't want to feel responsible for messing up a kids life!! I don't think I can handle all this and stay sane.

Any insight is welcomed. HELP!!!!

Welcome to MB...things are a little slow over the weekend as all of us attend to are recovered marriages and families.

You've come to the right place. OW won't get any sympathy here and no one is going to tell you you need to suck it up for the sake of that fetus. In fact, Dr. Harley fully supports your position of never seeing or speaking to OW again (including the eventually baby). I'm happy to hear OW won't even bother about seeking support. Hopefully she won't change her mind and rob your family of even more.

You will make it. Does your husband know you are posting here already or is this something you are doing for your own support?


Godspeed,
Mr. Wondering

The best thing would be if OW and her husband raised the child as their own....not involving your husband in the least. If OW's husband doesn't want to do that...she should be encouraged (by her friends and family) to put the kid up for adoption. If she keeps it...it's her responsibility.

How far away from her/them are you? Ever consider moving? Might want to move to a state which would make it even harder for OW to pursue you/him for contact or money. Such a move will also give you some piece of mind. Starting over...even a move across town is helpful in recovery.

Mr. W

Besides the word of the OW, is there any proof that this child is actually you WH's? The child is the responsibility of the OW and her husband in the absence of proof. If they don't force a DNA test, the child is not something for you to worry about. Put all your energy into recovering your marriage.

He does not know I posted but we ave gone through the site together in search for answers and hope. I just ordered 3 books so that we can read together.

She lives 3 hours away. They would both travel an hour and half each way to meet in the middle. This makes me very angry. He had that whole time to think things over and turn around and come back home, but didn't. When I ask him he says it felt like a drug, that he could not escape it. The sex wasn't that great and he felt no emotional fulfillment after they were done. Despite this, he kept going back. He says he felt not worthy of anything else but this horrible reality that had set into his life.
I feel like Ive always been supportive of him and do not deserve to go through this amount of pain.

The OW is going to divorce her husband, so raising the kid in their marriage will not be an option.

Should we ask for DNA testing or should we leave it up to her?

Also, since the affair is over, should we still have to reveal it to the world? I feel humiliated and ashamed enough to have to make it public knowledge. The only people that know so far are his parents (who found out today).

The reason your husband had an affair is simple: he allowed a person of the opposite to meet his emotional needs. Even people in great marriages can have an affair if they don't close their love bank to others and protect their marriages. That's why it's very very important for every married person to institute extraordinary precautions from Day One of the marriage, but most especially after an affair.

Take a look at the linked thread about Extraordinary Precautions Here.

Have you read the thread at the top of this forum?

You should tell your children the source of the tension and heartbreak in your home, if you haven't already.

Dr. Harley doesn't advocate "Forgive and Forget" at all. Instead, MB is about Just Compensation, which will result in a passionate, romantic, and safe marriage that is much better then the pre-A marriage.

The baby that the OW is expecting is not necessarily your H's. The state is likely to treat the child as though it belongs to her husband. So, for the time being, proceed as though this is the case. You should put some money aside just in case, but Dr. Harley's position is as Mr. Wondering has stated. No contact with OW or with the OC. It's for the sake of the marriage.

Does your family know about the affair? You should tell your family and your friends about the affair. This will give your husband much-needed accountability and you will get some support for what will turn out to be one of the worst, most painful times of your life.

If you are depressed, please see your doctor about getting some anti-depressants. They will help even out emotions. They need only be for a few months to help you get through the brunt of the pain.

You should avoid DNA testing unless court-ordered to do so. The affair should still be exposed. Read the Exposure101 thread.

After much talking and reading we see that this happened because of not meeting our emotional needs. He needed admiration and got it from this "junior of his" at work who saw him as god. While I brought him back to reality with diapers, dinners and homework. But after all this, how can I ever show him "admiration" when all I see is a weak and pathetic man who chose to throw his entire life down the drain. And stupid enough to get her pregnant�..

Leave it up to her. For all anyone knows, the child belongs to her husband. Or there could even be another man besides your H. Treat this baby as though it is not your H's until the OW pushes for the DNA test and obtains a court order.


Your closest friends and your family AND your children all need to know. This will really help both you and your husband. About 60% of marriages suffer from infidelity, so you may find more support than you expect.

My kids are 5 and 2, I don't think they would understand anything.
When they saw me crying they asked If I had a boo-boo. I said yes, that it was in my heart and that daddy had made it. They said it was likely an accident and that I would get all better soon. Love them!!

Why not work on just one thing at a time? There is a path to recovery that is best followed in sequence.

First the affair must be dealt with. No Contact for life must be established, then institute EPs for both of you for the rest of your life.

You will work on learning and meeting each others ENs as part of recovering and restoring your marriage. When your H begins to meet your ENs in the way that you like and he lives by the EPs, he will slowly regain your trust. In a couple of years, you will find that you trust him again. It will never again be a blind trust, something we should never have in our marriage. It will be a trust that he has your best interest in mind and that his new behavior will be a way of life. Admiration will come one day.

One thing at a time....

Your five-year-old is old enough to understand that Daddy had another woman in his life and that it hurt you very deeply. She will not completely "get it," but many people here have been surprised by just how much their children grasp. He committed adultery and betrayed them every bit as much as he betrayed you.

Should we talk to a lawyer or just wait it out? The baby will be due in late April.
The husband says its not his because he has not had sex with her in months. So it is very likely my H's.

Do not assume the affair is over just because your H is saying things to make you think it is. Hope and pray that it is over but do not take his word.

Also, do not take his word that she meant and means nothing to him.

Assume that she does.

I say all this so that you do not get complacent and stop following the steps needed to recover the marriage.

You are in good hands here. Please remember that at this time your H is an addict and is going to say whatever you need to hear to keep getting his fix. Listen carefully to what he says and then quietly verify. Do not believe anything unless you have independent confirmation. That especially applies to contact between them. This thread will make you smile things wayards say

1Alone, you are getting great advice here. I would not contact a lawyer or tell anyone about this pregnancy. You have no proof that this is your husbands child and should do nothing unless or until you are forced to respond.

Ideally, you and your husband should have nothing to do with this child, even if it is proven eventually to be his. Please go read this thread, which is a collection of Dr Harley's advice in this situation: here

Hi 1Alone.

I know this won't take the pain away, but what you are describing is a pretty good scenario for recovery.

For one thing it seems your H is being quite honest. And I NEVER say that! In fact I wrote a thread called "Never Take the Word of a Wayward". However your H is describing the usual, text book situation very accurately.

Lots of people think they can indulge in "innocent flirtation" without it leading anywhere. I believe your H's account that he thought so too. Quite simply - you can't. Eventually an emotional affair will always turn physical. The people most at risk are people who think they have self control and want to enjoy some free admiration. That's like smoking and thinking self control will protect you from cancer.

I worry though that this is being blamed on your needs meeting re admiration. Regardless of how much genuine admiration he is earning from you, he shouldn't be seeking cheap worthless admiration from elsewhere.

It is BOUNDARIES around other women that caused the A. Not your needs meeting. Flirting and emails caused this A to go physical and you are not the one who did that. Will he stop having OS friendships and flirtations?



Yes, I was amazed at the wonderful reaction and support I got. Plus you just can't recover without it. Dr H does not know of a single case. Even when the A has been over 20 years he still describes it as a must.



The 5yo probably will. Expose to the younger child when they can understand. Don't let them grow up not knowing, it always comes as a tremendous shock to grown children when the truth comes out. Better to tackle it asap and not to lie.

Hi 1Alone, I hope you are having a better day today.

Regarding exposure to your kids, I totally recomend it. I told the truth to my 6yo and said FWH had a girlfied, just short and to the point. But one of the things I asked FWH was to talk to my daughter. You can imagine the reality check it was for FWH to ask our 6yo for forgiveness. My little girl cried holding his dad, it was very emotional for all.

I have a 4 yo and a 5mos baby, and I made FWH write a letter for them. Again, I think it was very strong to have him realize he was hurting all of us with his careless actions.

Now when FWH and I go out for a coffee or what not, my 6yo is actually very happy to see us together and has verbalized how happy she is we are spending time together.

I also recomend you start taking some sort of antidepressants, I used passion flower.

best,

What an amazing exposure approach Alada!

Also, 1Alone, I find it interesting that he described the A as a 'drug'. That is just how Dr H would describe it. A cheap high which becomes an easy and repetitive behaviour. I think he is trying to describe the A as honestly as he can to you.

Also, the actions of an A are also carried out during a mental 'fog'. The person is not thinking, they are just chasing that high. That makes it difficult to remember and explain things sometimes.